looking for advice

[ander19]

I am new to this group and hoping to get some advice or input on how to deal with my wife who my has BPD.  Here is my long story short...  When we 1st met 5 years ago, she was amazing! She loved me exactly how I wanted to be loved.  We were happy and traveled and loved life.  We got married January 2017.  Best day of my life!  Then almost exactly one year after... everything changed.  Literally... like a light switch!  She turned into this mean, short, angry person that I didn't know.  She started getting SUPER mad at me for the little things.  She said that I never helped around the house, never helped pay for bills, and she did everything and I did nothing.  Which is not true at all.  She would get mad at me if I looked at her a certain way.  In every case, I had no idea what she was talking about.  I try and defend myself in every situation, but it only made things worse.  She would find MORE stuff to be angry at.  Then I found myself apologizing over and over again which only allowed her to stay upset with me.  This makes me feel like I am totally worthless.  I realize that I am not perfect, but I do not do any of the stuff she says I do.  I have a kind heart and never disrespect her. I have stopped telling her anything really good (like a job promotion) because she has no excitement for me.  I have stopped telling her anything bad (like I got a flat tire or my best friends mom is very sick) because she has absolutely NO empathy.  I have started to just keep conversations very surfacy to avoid my own disappointment.  Since the day she changed (January 2018) we have not been intimate.  We don't hold hands.  We don't hold hands.  We don't kiss.  We don't hug.  We just live together.  She says she loves me, but I don't see nor do I feel it.  I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water.  I miss her so much but I don't know how much more I can take.  We have been seeing a therapist but as of recent, she has decided to stop.  I really don't know what to do.  I have only talked with a couple friends because I don't want to talk bad of her, but she can be an awful person sometimes.  I feel so alone and confused.  She is an amazing person, but not the same woman I married. 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi ander19, and

how confusing and lonely things must be for you. im glad you reached out.

We have been seeing a therapist but as of recent, she has decided to stop.

what happened in therapy, and how long were you attending together?

[ander19]

Thank you Once Removed... We have been going to therapy once a week for the past 4 months.  We have learned a lot about each other and how we have a circle of miscommunication, but when I talk about my feelings she gets upset and defensive.  When we talk about her feelings, we tend to make progress.  But this isn't all about her.  The last session we attended, she got upset with me and right before the next appt. she said she didn't want to go anymore. I am not giving up just yet, but running out of gas.   

[Ecan]

Hello ander19,

I'm new here and still twisted all up from a brake up from a pwBPD. As i read your post I feel your pain and confusion of it all and I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I have no advice to give what I can do is relate. When you said when y'all talk about her feelings everything is fine and when you talk about yours its a whole different ball game. Yes. I had the same experience with my exBPDgf she would punish me when I talked about my feelings and I began to lie and started with holding a lot from her.

For one, I valued honesty and when I started to lie to protect myself I slowly lost a part of me that now I'm not sure if I will recover back. When I started with holding I slowly lost the ability to know what the hell I was feeling and she saw that and used it against me saying she didn't want to be with someone who was dead inside.

With my reading of a lot of post boundaries seem to be so important.

I can hear your determination to make things better and I hope you can. I will be routing for you.


 

[once removed]

but when I talk about my feelings she gets upset and defensive.

thats not easy!

people with BPD traits struggle with feelings in general...theirs, and others. it may be difficult for her to listen to your feelings in an objective way, without taking them as a reflection of her as a person, or something shes required to defend against.

can you give us an example of the back and forth, when you try to talk about your feelings and she gets upset and defensive?

[Chosen]

Hi ander19,

I can so relate to your post, especially this:

I have stopped telling her anything really good (like a job promotion) because she has no excitement for me.  I have stopped telling her anything bad (like I got a flat tire or my best friends mom is very sick) because she has absolutely NO empathy.  I have started to just keep conversations very surfacy to avoid my own disappointment. 

I think that when my uBPDh sense my excitement about something, he somehow subconsciously wrecks it for me.  Like once I had a teeny online business, and I was quite happy about it (not earning much but I like to share stuff I've created with others).  He initially seemed supportive, but then in moments of rage he would say I have put all my time in the business (which is not true.  I barely put in any time.  I promoted it on Facebook with my phone when I was commuting.) and have ignored his stuff.  So now I have resorted to doing certain hobbies in private, and not sharing anything with him.  It's sad because I would've like his input, but I also know that if I had shared it with him, the project would promptly end.

As for empathy, I think that it fluctuates A LOT for him.  When he's Dr. Jekyll, he's very empathatic.  When he's Mr. Hyde, not at all to the point it's scary. I remember he was mad at me once when we're out, many years ago.  A pervert dude basically deliberately ran into me so he could feel me up.  H (bf then) was walking next to me and he could see that I was shocked and absolutely disgusted, but he ignored it and continued raging at me.  It was almost like he felt that I deserve the harassment and was happy that somebody else was also attacking me.  That made me really sad because aren't you supposed to protect somebody you love?

I can't talk feelings with H as well.  He would just get defensive and immediately start attacking me.  Whatever slightly negative feeling I convey (even stuff completely unrelated to him) he would attack me by saying "So I do everything for you perfectly and still it's not enough for you?  You still can't be happy?"  So yeah, I end up feeling even worse than before I share it, because now I've got to deal with him as well.

On the plus side, I've gotten awesome at self-soothing, I must say...