Husband seems to have amnesia for issues he’s caused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333433.0

So this is just a quick update of sorts:  There is a new wrinkle just lately and I don't know what to make of it.  I almost feel like I'm losing my mind and I half-way suspect I'm being gas-lit, but I'm not entirely sure.  I feel depressed and despondent - more so than usual:

I posted this on a PTSD Trauma board - but I realized the folks here would know what I'm talking about more than some random person with PTSD (though I'm sure they have excellent insight into what I'm feeling)

***

What is your take on someone (long time partner) who has a history with rage episodes, verbal, emotional abuse and threats of suicide or financial ruination — claiming that he does not *remember” specifics of any given event?

Bizarro land? Up is down and down is up?

It may be that he is Borderline (one of his doctors said as much). He has depression, ADHD and possibly mildly autistic — then again, so is our daughter — so makes sense (she has ADHD and is mildly autistic and also has other issues — but lots of that can be with her mirroring her dad)

So what the heck do I make of this new partial amnesia thing?

I feel like I’m loosing my mind.

***

Someone asked about the finances.  It would be easier to ask about Schrodinger's Cat.  He has control of the finances.  Have I been able to squirrel any away?  In a word, no.  Why?  Because there always seems to be some *new* financial crisis that would make my doing that impossible without negatively impacting our kids.  Just recently - I discovered that he may be guilty of tax evasion - or just sloppiness - I'm not sure.  But we got a letter about how our accounts are supposedly going to be frozen.  My "partner" oscillates between whether this was due to an accounting error or negligence.  In any case - it's a $7000 tax bill from 2016!  I have no idea what other things were "missed".  I've had my freedom restricted like this (limited access to finances and always on the verge of disaster) since I was 34 years old.  I'm now 50 years old, have two autistic kids and have not been in the working world since entering this nightmare.  Some days I despair on what I'm going to do.  It becomes overwhelming even knowing there to start.

[Eleven011]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333433.0

So this is just a quick update of sorts:  There is a new wrinkle just lately and I don't know what to make of it.  I almost feel like I'm losing my mind and I half-way suspect I'm being gas-lit, but I'm not entirely sure.  I feel depressed and despondent - more so than usual:

I posted this on a PTSD Trauma board - but I realized the folks here would know what I'm talking about more than some random person with PTSD (though I'm sure they have excellent insight into what I'm feeling)

***

What is your take on someone (long time partner) who has a history with rage episodes, verbal, emotional abuse and threats of suicide or financial ruination — claiming that he does not *remember” specifics of any given event?

Bizarro land? Up is down and down is up?

It may be that he is Borderline (one of his doctors said as much). He has depression, ADHD and possibly mildly autistic — then again, so is our daughter — so makes sense (she has ADHD and is mildly autistic and also has other issues — but lots of that can be with her mirroring her dad)

So what the heck do I make of this new partial amnesia thing?

I feel like I’m loosing my mind.

***

Someone asked about the finances.  It would be easier to ask about Schrodinger's Cat.  He has control of the finances.  Have I been able to squirrel any away?  In a word, no.  Why?  Because there always seems to be some *new* financial crisis that would make my doing that impossible without negatively impacting our kids.  Just recently - I discovered that he may be guilty of tax evasion - or just sloppiness - I'm not sure.  But we got a letter about how our accounts are supposedly going to be frozen.  My "partner" oscillates between whether this was due to an accounting error or negligence.  In any case - it's a $7000 tax bill from 2016!  I have no idea what other things were "missed".  I've had my freedom restricted like this (limited access to finances and always on the verge of disaster) since I was 34 years old.  I'm now 50 years old, have two autistic kids and have not been in the working world since entering this nightmare.  Some days I despair on what I'm going to do.  It becomes overwhelming even knowing there to start.

[Eleven011]

Why not minimize your and your children's stress in the meantime?

I walk on eggshells all the time to minimize stress for my children.  But that doesn't work - because he only becomes more aggressive and has more rage episodes - which he says he doesn't remember later.  I feel it's a non-starter really - or at least became that way.

As far as your husband choosing to use you or your children as "pawns or outlets for his own frustrations or inability to cope with his own mood swings", perhaps you can fill us in on more details of what you mean by that.

I thought I already had...

He yells at them - rages at them - screams in their face. (This happens whenever he is stressed out about time, stressed out about work or anything else that bothers him - and he will say as much later and doesn't seem to understand that our kids don't deserve to be his emotional punching bag)

There are plenty of examples I've already spoken about in these posts.

There are times when he does this directly after he was unhappy with me for some reason and made it very well known that "that's what you get" -- that our kids being unhappy was a direct result of my making *him* unhappy.

In fact - that was the primary reasoning he had for moving out the way he did when we did separate - to punish the kids in order to get to me.  It was their favorite holiday.  So he made a point of creating this huge scene of raging and storming out the day before Halloween and disappearing for a month while refusing to see our children - the oldest one, who has special needs.  He made a point of saying that our kids' pain was my fault because of "ruining our anniversary".

He threatens to withdraw financial support for our children (if I ever talk of our living separately)

He threatened to leave the country (rather than pay child support)

He actually has shown he is willing and able to ignore the kids for long periods of time in order to punish me - I don't want our kids to suffer through all that again.  
(he demonstrated this during our first separation - when he ignored our children for a full month after he moved out - despite the fact that our older kid is a special needs kid - he purposefully gave his new girlfriend first preference on how he spent his time such that he never had time to spend with our kids - and told me that he didn't see how I could see his treating me and the kids like that was anything other than what I deserved)

He threatens suicide -- literally - if I ever suggest that we live separately or after I consult with a divorce lawyer or often - if there is a conflict in any way, shape or form - and if he commits suicide, it most definitely will hurt our kids.  I'm also worried about how he often made his suicide threats in front of our impressionable autistic daughter who mimics his suicide ideation now and it scares me that if he takes his own life, that she may make the attempt as well or worse.  (I've obviously stopped talking about living separately at all in the face of all that - as it's not worth risking our autistic daughter mirroring her father's suicidal ideation when he insists on making such statements in front of her.  One time, he handed her a pair of scissors and asked her to kill him!)

He moved back in against my wishes and when I asked him to leave, he only said, "I can't" - and then the abuse ramped up even more.  If I walk on eggshells - he's (slightly) nicer - but I feel as if I'm losing my mind and losing my soul.  And the kids *still* suffer.

Of course you're doing everything you can possibly do and no one expects you to do more.

As you've already mentioned, what you're doing isn't working. So perhaps you can tell us specifically just exactly what's not working so that we can figure out alternative strategies.

I'm certainly not suggesting that you become more codependent. I'm looking back at my previous post and I suggested telling your friends and family that you're separated, but living together for financial reasons. I asked why you don't bring up differences in child rearing during your therapy sessions. I also thought that challenging your husband's idea that he is a "victim" of your daughter would be helpful during therapy. None of these suggestions would lead to more codependency.

Perhaps you can elaborate on this. What sort of situations does he set up that could hurt your family?

Ok - if I sound frustrated - it's only because I'm seriously doing all these things already (telling others that we live together for financial reasons, stand up for my daughter's and advocate for them - and yes, I definitely challenge my husband's "victim" bit in therapy environments).  And while all that doesn't cause me to be *more* codependent.  What it does - is - that it keeps eating up more and more precious time in effectively care-taking this man who seems to be holding me back from living a more authentic life - and also with him pathologicalizing my children because he doesn't cope well with kids (example - his trying to get a counselor to say that our older autistic daughter has other dual diagnoses when she responds negatively to his invalidating her feelings, blame-placing, yelling at her, etc.)  

To give you an idea of how frustrated I am - all this has gone on now for years since he moved back in.  years!  

I do feel that I need to do something differently - but when someone asks me to repeat examples I've already given - I don't know -- just feels frustratingly like others who aren't in my shoes who can't possibly know how difficult this has been and how my partner, who as bright as he is, is clearly able to manipulate things around me such that I never get back out.  He calls it "crab-bucketing" - by pulling me back in - and he's exceptionally good at it.  Watch him deny he even said or admitted as much tomorrow!




What I think most folks don't realize is that the reason why I feel so discouraged is because I've most definitely stood up for myself and my children - but standing up for myself and my children has been this endless and seemingly nearly futile battle that has gone on for well over 15 years and well-meaning people ask me to provide examples - it makes me feel as if I'm not believed again.  Frustrating.  And I don't have time for that really.  No one is *required* to believe me.  But I also am not *required* to list every single instance of when all this stuff happened.  That would only be useful *maybe* to a lawyer.  

A couple concrete examples of how my husband engineers situations where kids would be disappointed - is his purposefully messing up finances right before Christmas (too much of a repeated pattern to ignore) - or his leaving the house when we first separated the day before Halloween - just to leave the kids crying on the front porch.  

The kids from the previous marriage didn't fare much better (his biological children - who he flat-out abandoned).  When one of his older teens was going to graduation ceremony from high school - he was very non-committal about his even going.  He had no other plans at all.  These are kids I helped to raise and they are my daughter's half-siblings.  In the end, after he ignored requests from my younger step-daugther - I decided something *had* to be done and that she couldn't just be ignored for her graduation.  My younger daughters and I bought gifts for their older half-sister and when he finally worked out that I was going after all and our younger kids were going with me, he turned his back on me and started texting the my younger step-daugther -  that we were going to celebrate her graduation with her - and acted like it was his idea all along, when he previously had no intention of even showing up.  That's what I mean on engineering things.  He got to look like he was involved - and I got to basically feel like an idiot for his pretending to be "the good guy" who was always going to be there - when he had no intention of going and told me as much.

Other times -  was when his parents were coming over to visit from Florida.  They were very sick - their health was failing.  But it was as if I had no choice in the matter whether they were showing up or not.  Also, when we were split up - he would invite them out to our house and I ended up playing along in his charade or risk having to tell family members we were separated *on Christmas* or *on a holiday* or *when a relative was sick*, etc. in front of our kids. 

At a recent IEP for our autistic daughter, he showed up to the event - and he had his hands all over me and groping me - even though we have a non-sexual relationship and he has nothing to do with me at home.  That's the sort of mind-___ I end up having to deal with.  And if I say something or try to get another chair or try to get away from him - it's me who ends up looking "crazy" or "causing a scene".  I did tell our educational advocate what was going on and she commented on his "playing the doting husband to the hilt".  That night and all weekend - he didn't go anywhere near me.  I should say that he was not involved in any of the IEP process going up to the event - he didn't gather documents or anything else.

The only times he seems involved in our daughter's care seems to have strange ulterior motives... like he suddenly switched our autistic daughter's doctor to a new local one - and then portrayed her as "out of control" and didn't mention his triggering behavior or his own rage episodes and did a lot of minimizing of his own behavior.  He was also pulling the IEP act of sort of groping me during the sessions.  I get away from that by sitting in a separate chair entirely during "family sessions" (thank goodness" - but if he has any opportunity at all to sit next to me in public - then he's stroking my back and everything else and making a big show of how great we are - even if he's yelling at me at home.

I feel like I'm under siege

[Cat Familiar]

Have you sought legal advice about his financial obligations to the family?

It's probably something you've thought about and possibly are afraid of risking the suicide threats should you separate.

But it's good to know what your rights are, no matter what.

[Eleven011]

Have you sought legal advice about his financial obligations to the family?

It's probably something you've thought about and possibly are afraid of risking the suicide threats should you separate.

But it's good to know what your rights are, no matter what.

 I *should* be able to get an "easy" divorce (ha!) - but it's not so easy in practice really.

I've seen probably a half dozen different lawyers and had my case refused by two of them because of how "dysfunctional" the local county court system is - I take that to mean that they tend to favor the prima-dona software engineer sorts over any care-givers and/or SAHM (I'm a reluctant SAHM in my case - as I was on the path towards a career when I met my husband and truly had no intention of staying home)  

Let's see... three lawyers I contacted either refused my case or said they "retired".  Several others claimed they could not guarantee either mine or my children's safety - which was a deal-breaker to me.  The last resort was collaborative law -- but a case with LOTS and LOTS of oversight.  This system is supposed to work with the maximum amount of hand-holding and supervision and the least amount of guess work and also the least amount of litigation and in-fighting.  It wouldn't be mediation or the sort where we have one common lawyer - because there are clear and well documented incidents of abuse against my husband.  (and I'm still smacking my forehead for why that in of itself doesn't just add up to my being *free* - but it's not that simple apparently) - in any case, due to my husband's apparent mental illness, they would assign him a divorce coach and separate attorney to be his divorce team - and they would do the same for my side... a divorce coach and an attorney assigned to me as well.  And since there was a past history of my children being abandoned or neglected by my husband -- a separate child advocate would be assigned to my children to look out for their best interests and also an independent financial forensic accountant would be assigned to look over our finances (good thing too!).  We got part-way through this process, but my husband kept blowing up - or I would fall back into the FOG of codependency (Fear Obligation Guilt) -- and then later on, my partner would be sure to either spend whatever available money we had on hand or tie it up in knots in other ways, such that I could not obtain the funds for the retainer for my team and also the child advocate.  (I need roughly $6,000 for that).  So that's the impasse where things have stood while my partner becomes more and more and more and more avoidant about things concerning finances and more and more and more and more controlling concerning finances (i.e. - I'm not "allowed" to see what is going on).  

Now, if I were to move nearby- then I might have more of a fighting chance, higher caliber lawyers and also incidentally more access to childcare and more working opportunities.  But we have a house in the mountains and a couple of wasteful storage lockers that need to be emptied out - and in the meantime, my partner seems to be actively messing things up as fast as I can fix things or as fast as I can get things cleaner --- and then there are my regular duties of taking care of the kids, etc. - and the stuff I do for my special needs kid, etc. etc. - and you get the picture.

Things have stood at this impasse for almost three years now - with things getting steadily worse over time.

Just lately, my partner claims to have no memory of events where he hurt either me or our kids.  I don't know what to make of that at all.
 

[Eleven011]

Incidentally - I'm often reminded that I don't have to pay for the retainer myself by California law - but I think California law ignores the pragmatics of someone who is technically rich - but who has tangled up finances so badly that they are literally living paycheck to paycheck and running up credit-card debt.  We have no wiggle room any more and the interest rates on the cards alone is killing us.  I'm having to quit my personal therapist and therapy groups because they're simply too expensive and cutting back on all other expenses just to trim sails (and obviously empty out those storage lockers!) - it's driving me crazy (not literally - its just frustrating).  My "husband's" income is in the upper level - he's technically -- on paper -- wealthy.  But we've had to declare bankruptcy once due to how he has mismanaged finances and I fear we will need to again unless I do everything I can to prevent it... Certainly all the signs are there.  He took out a 401k loan that I didn't know about and only came to light when I needed a copy of his pay stub for support services for my autistic daughter.  He also got a debt consolidation loan and then ran up debt again instead of paying that off!  In terms of financial savvy - my husband is a "hot mess" - and that's putting things mildly!  

I don't have a savings or anything significant in my personal bank account.  I do *have* a personal bank account - but it has precious little in it.  Everyone in the local area seems to be downsizing as well - so I have little hope that anything in our two storage lockers is going to be somehow the magical thing that will prevent financial disaster.  

So yeah - with financial concerns being front and center just now - it adds and already explosive situation and adds gasoline to it and sets it on fire!  To make matters worse - I was about to take classes again - and I guess I can kiss "goodbye" to that idea!  I'm discouraged and frustrated.  My husband got all angry and said, "fine - just take the classes!" - but I know better than to do that when we are already stretched to our limits financially.  Last time I tried that - we ended up losing our home.

[Perdita]

I can relate so well to the things you wrote. We aren't married, but have been living together although I haven't stayed there the last 9 days. Just visited. No kids.

I hear you about having a bank account but far too little in it to feel secure.

He also does the rages, suicide threats, emotional abuse. Then he turns around and denies it. I too am left feeling and looking insane. I feel he sets me up to look that way.

As for the disappointments. He does it with me. I am embarrassed that I keep falling for it. The weekend before last he invited me to the coffee shop he goes to every day but has never taken me with in 6 years. On this particular day he had already been there that morning and was heading back in the afternoon.  I couldn't believe that he invited me - finally! Then, as I was walking to the bathroom to take a shower to start getting ready - towel around me and hair tied up- he looked at me and asked why I was going to shower.  I told him that he asked me an hour ago to go with him to the coffee shop. He looked me right in the eyes up close, smiled and said "I prefer being just with the boys".  He knew what he was doing.

As for giving examples to other people,  I think most won't think it's a big deal. That's the sad and crazy making thing about this illness. People can always find ways to explain all their bizarre actions away. In turn we are left feeling extremely isolated. That's probably the worst part for me. I feel so alone.

I have lost people close to me over the years, but I swear being in a r/s with a BPD person is more painful than death.

[Eleven011]

I hear you about having a bank account but far too little in it to feel secure.

I feel as if we should start some erm... startup or something to help people like us escape from dysfunctional and/or abusive relationships or have resources available to help people get back on their feet when they've been trapped in a codependent and/or dependent relationship with little or no financial resources.  It's horrible to feel as if you don't have choices and don't have options - and even worse to feel as if you're a hostage to such pragmatics as finances.  What I've found so far - as that resources for people who need to rebuild their lives later on are shockingly few.  It has gotten to the point where I feel the absence of resources so keenly, I'm tempted to build the tools I need myself and then share them out with others.  There has to be a way! 

He also does the rages, suicide threats, emotional abuse. Then he turns around and denies it. I too am left feeling and looking insane. I feel he sets me up to look that way.

Yes - I hear you on that last bit especially: "I feel he sets me up to look that way"   

Whether he *means* to set you up to feel that way or not - the result is the same either way.  If your partner wears a *mask* for others to see that conceals what he is like and then in private treats you entirely differently - that's going to be very crazy-making in-of-itself (and is technically gas-lighting) -- but you add on top of all that, the fact that others in the community end up believing the false image portrayed is nothing short of madness.  When something happens like that once - and a partner is self-aware enough to *know* they gave a false impression and makes amends - that's one thing.  But if it's a pattern - then it's abuse - plain and simple.

As for the disappointments. He does it with me. I am embarrassed that I keep falling for it. The weekend before last he invited me to the coffee shop he goes to every day but has never taken me with in 6 years. On this particular day he had already been there that morning and was heading back in the afternoon.  I couldn't believe that he invited me - finally! Then, as I was walking to the bathroom to take a shower to start getting ready - towel around me and hair tied up- he looked at me and asked why I was going to shower.  I told him that he asked me an hour ago to go with him to the coffee shop. He looked me right in the eyes up close, smiled and said "I prefer being just with the boys".  He knew what he was doing.

I'm always on the fence - whether my partner "knows what he's doing" or not.  I used to get *really* hung up on WHY - and drive myself nuts trying to work out if he *meant* to do that or not.  Eventually, my therapist was able to work with me enough for me to understand that whether he means to hurt you or not - that if this is a repeated pattern and you've tried to stand up for yourself before and set clear expectations and boundaries and it fell on deaf ears - then there's not a lot you can do! 

As for giving examples to other people,  I think most won't think it's a big deal. That's the sad and crazy making thing about this illness. People can always find ways to explain all their bizarre actions away. In turn we are left feeling extremely isolated. That's probably the worst part for me. I feel so alone.

I often feel very isolated.  It's a LOT worse since my husband moved back in.  Before that, I was actually making friends and actually saw a glimmer of hope and a glimmer of happiness.  I feel I need to hang on to that glimmer and decide what I really want and just steadily work towards a better and healthier future.  Even though well-meaning people try to persuade me to "stay for the kids" - I feel that I'm doing a disservice for both my kids *and* myself for doing so.  As near as I can tell, it's not likely to get better really.  I can grieve for what I wish I had and all that I lost.  I can grieve for the fantasy and the friendship I used to have with my partner.  I can grieve for my children for the fact that they have had such a troubled relationship with their biological father and that I'm very uncertain of whether he will ever improve his relationship with our children.  But beyond grieving - I think I just need to let go of what is not possible.  I can't expect him to be magically mentally well.  I can't expect him to be different towards me or towards our kids.  I can try to make sure there is some oversight and accountability to protect my children's best interests and that's what I'm trying to do now.  But I think that's probably the best I can do really.   (I know I can't speak for you on this an our situations are a bit different...)

I have lost people close to me over the years, but I swear being in a r/s with a BPD person is more painful than death.

I felt that way as well sometimes.  But I remember that glimmer of hope and that glimmer of happiness I once had when I was free (temporarily) of my partner and I was able to start building friendships and rebuilding a life... I know I have to hang on to that glimmer while I make sure that I put in safety nets for my children's safety, financial security and well-being.  Their needs come first obviously.  But that doesn't mean that I should discount that I matter.  I think that's the big thing that many of us do - we end up believing that we don't matter in all this... but we do matter!  All of us do! 

[Eleven011]

Also wanted to thank you for the reply Perdita (erm - is that a reference to Terry Pratchett?  I love Terry Pratchett!)

And I wanted to say that the bit where others can "explain away" everything - I've had that for years - for nearly 16 years really!  And yes, it's very invalidating and yes, it's very painful and yes, it makes me feel very alone too.  It makes me feel as if I'm invisible at times and also makes me question my own sanity.  I talked with my therapist about this just *today* really - both his denial of events and other people "explaining away" things. 

In the end - it doesn't matter if someone suddenly develops amnesia and doesn't "remember" being abusive.  You know that it happened.  You remember it happened.  And it's important to be able to validate ourselves and say to ourselves: "I believe me!"  - I can't stress how important that is. 

One thing that really helped me a lot is journalling.  If my partner does something seriously crazy-making or abusive, then I write it down in a journal - and that way, I have a record of the event.  It helps in many ways.  For one, I "get it all out" and stop bottling it up.  And I also organize my thoughts too that way. 

Occasionally, I'll send an abbreviated recap of events to my partner via text or email -- I don't really expect a response and usually if he responds at all, it will be something like, "I don't disagree with what you're saying here" - (which seems a bit ambiguous) - but I'm not really writing it *for* him - as I don't really expect him to magically be able to connect with me and understand me now after all these years of his minimizing and denying abuse.  I send that little recap-message as a way to make sure that he doesn't try to claim that whatever happened didn't happen later on.  It's in writing and in black and white and if he tries to deny it later - it's all there.  I don't know if that will be helpful or not on a legal basis.  I can only hope it is!

When you said that you've lost people in the past - but that being in a relationship with a BPD partner is worse than death - I think I misunderstood you.  Did you mean - that losing someone bit-by-bit to this condition was worse than losing someone to death?   (and if you meant that - then I do agree in many ways... because there is no closure and no ability to grieve and then heal!) - but if you simply meant that you're in extreme pain, I do hope that you are able to find other resources and others who can help you - or maybe we should start that startup for those who are struggling, eh?  I don't know... I end up being way-more optimistic towards others who are struggling with similar situations than I am about my own situation.  Maybe that's how I can work out a path forward - by imagining I'm helping a friend get beyond this and to a far healthier path!  (trying to think optimistically and think outside the box - and also beyond the FOG of codependency - the FOG standing for Fear Obligation and Guilt!)

[AskingWhy]

Here is an article on male BPD that might be of interest.  It discusses dissociation as a reason for forgetfulness/memory recall.

My uBPD H has no real sense of history or chronology.  His childhood is split as "all happy" when I know it was less than that as his F is likely NPD or BPD.  He had trouble recalling gifts he has given people, even to his adult children with whom he is enmeshed, and also trouble recalling who gave him gifts.  

Please scroll down to the end of this article for a comment on the partners of male BPDs.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/02/an-interesting-mix-male-borderline-personality-disorder/  

[AskingWhy]

A couple concrete examples of how my husband engineers situations where kids would be disappointed - is his purposefully messing up finances right before Christmas (too much of a repeated pattern to ignore) - or his leaving the house when we first separated the day before Halloween - just to leave the kids crying on the front porch.  

The comment above appears to be an NPD manifestation of BPD.  If you read the Eggshells book, it notes that the more functional a BPD man is, the more NPD aspects he tends to have.

pwBPD thrive on drama.

[formflier]

I would suggest you consider far less "talking" or "discussing" things with your hubby and far more "doing" things that create space for you and your children.
 
It's important that when you  make these changes that you are consistent, so for now I only ask that you consider and learn about these changes. 

Can you make a quick list of the top three issues you argue about?  Perhaps the top three things that are sure to cause a rage?

From that we can develop a plan.

Note:  While it's frustrating that he "doesn't remember", it's far more important that YOU remember and YOU make changes to what you bring to the relationship.  That may not "feel" fair...but I assure you it will have more of an impact that discussing with him. 

Best,

FF

[Eleven011]

Well one of the main things we “argue” about is parenting issues — and how he responds to our autistic daughter — who he often scapegoats and rages at.  I don’t feel there is a way to *avoid* the subject as we are all in the same house.  I end up having to play peacekeeper a LOT!  It’s frustrating and very draining.  But I don’t feel this is something I can “compromise” on as I feel the way my BPD husband treats our autistic daughter is verbally and emotionally abusive and invalidating. 

Just earlier today — my BPD husband was ramping up strangely and looked like he was going into another rage episode when things were *calm*!  I didn’t understand that at *all*.  I had to intervene so he didn’t explode and rage at our 11-year old autistic daughter again and she’s already having a difficult time of things this weekend on regulating her own emotions — but when her dad’s emotions are so out-of-control — I don’t feel it’s reasonable to expect her to be able to manage her mood swings better than she sees her own dad managing things.

I’m not concerned about what is fair.  I just want to keep everyone safe and I’m also very emotionally exhausted with feeling like the only adult in the room - especially concerning parenting issues. 

There are some interventions that counselors for our family had recently suggested (both our 11-autistic kid’s psychiatrist and our family therapist) — but I only just found out a couple days ago that my husband ran up about $100k in combined credit card debt, a consolidation loan and other loans all without my knowledge and consent.  He only just last week signed a form to allow me to have equal access to our joint accounts. 

I no longer even talk about finances as I know it won’t do any good — but at the rate we are going, we may have to file bankruptcy soon.

I am applying to the state for respite care for our autistic daughter and trying to get more services for our autistic daughter without putting a further strain on already stretched finances. 

I also looked up all sorts of resources for how to rebuild my credit and rebuild my own financial independence - separate from my husband — but that’s only baby steps and won’t help with the current crisis.  It might help me avoid this scenario a third time!  (All of this happened before)

I’m having trouble connecting the dots for what will help right now though.  I think I’m still in shock over the financial situation — especially since my husband claimed that part of why it was so messed up was because he “wanted to assert his independence from me” — which made no sense to me, as he had always had all the money and all the control over finances and I learned not to question him out of fear of his rage episodes and because trying to talk with him on such matters usually feels kind of futile and a waste of time and energy.  I’m making very slow progress on finally discovering what is going on — but it’s a very confused mess.  I’m trying to just “radically accept” the situation as it is — as I know we can’t go back in time and undo what has been done.  And maybe it’s just as well that I had this wake-up call really — as I can clearly see that my being excluded from knowing about our financial picture just leads to a lot of extra stress and also our family spending on what we truly didn’t need.  I’m seriously searching for anything and everything I can personally sell to make up for the shortfall. 

But yeah — it’s the parenting issues mainly.  And the fact that all of us — both of our biological kids - our 11-year old autistic kid and our 6-year old — and myself — and I’m sure my husband as well — all of us are suffering from physical symptoms of extreme stress - as my kids and I struggle to keep the peace. 

Even my youngest kid has developed nervous habits just lately and complains of her dad stressing her out when he gets angry and just earlier - he was near a boiling point again — and our youngest kid was the one who was trying to get her dad to calm down:  My main convern is that this is a highly dysfunctional and toxic environment for our children and all of us seem to be suffering from sleep disturbances, frazzled nerves and just — argh!  Things are not right.  I don’t think that there is a simple list for that.  There are work-arounds I do every day to keep the peace.  But I’m at a loss for what can be done really.  Maybe I’ll be able to think more straight next week.  I need more of a plan to tackle the financial issues and just now - that seems like a far simpler issue than the parenting problems.  The parenting problems just seem really deeply ingrained and also getting worse really with my BPD husband sometimes riding our 11-year-old’s case ‘till she has a meltdown.  I can de-escalate these situations and I do every day!  But I feel that unless and until we get that special counselor for my BPD husband to repair his relationship with our 11-year old daughter — and ‘till my BPD husband gets more into the DBT program he only just started — I don’t think things will get much better and some of that can’t happen ‘till I can find a sensible work-around for the financial disaster. 

 

[Cat Familiar]

Your situation is certainly convoluted and there are no easy fixes, but you are taking things one step at a time, applying for respite care and finding out how to rebuild your credit apart from your husband.    Hope the DBT class helps.

[Eleven011]

New wrinkle — I’ll explain in a new post.  BPD became abusice to a level where we are now in a hotel room — me and the kids.  Not sure if I feel safe returning “home”

[formflier]

Solid work getting yourself and family space to feel safe.

I would recommend calling local women's shelters to discuss this supporting you guys living apart for a bit.  Also they may offer in person counseling.


Switching gears:

I know exactly what you mean when you say parenting is exhausting and you feel like you are the only adult in the room.

I have 8 kids with my wife (we were at 6 when BPDish stuff showed up).  Anyway...it exhausted me trying to keep everyone safe.  That goal was also part of the problem.  (pause..very important to hang with me here.)

I had an erroneous goal of a child never getting yelled at...never experiencing weirdness. 

So I was always intervening and we constantly argued about parenting.  Constantly...

My interventions were ineffective and really added to instability in the home, rather than contributed to stability.

Once I understood that chaos was going to be part of my kids lives and I would be more effective with more limited but focused interventions the amount of conflict went way down and I started "winning" my arguments (the ones that really mattered)

Such as:  I really don't react when my wife yells and the kids about nonsense.  It burns itself out pretty quickly.  I think the kids see the contrast of my calm and her (whatever you want to call it)

I DO intervene when my wife is about to go against doctors orders.  For instance...D13 is recovering from a pretty bad concussion.  I was prepared to call 911 to stop my wife from doing things with my daughter that were "opposite" of what doctor had ordered.

My wife realized I wouldn't back down and "let" our doctor being cared for as doctor had said.

We can talk more later about parenting.

Again..solid work on getting you and your family space.

FF

[AskingWhy]

Men with BPD have dissociation issues that cause gaps in memory.  My uBPD H has a horrid memory about his life events.  Small details slip through the cracks, even things she should remember such as gifts his adult children gave him, etc.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/02/an-interesting-mix-male-borderline-personality-disorder/

[Perdita]

[quote author=Eleven011 link=topic=334791.msg13041346#msg13041346 date=1552439064

When you said that you've lost people in the past - but that being in a relationship with a BPD partner is worse than death - I think I misunderstood you.  Did you mean - that losing someone bit-by-bit to this condition was worse than losing someone to death?   (and if you meant that - then I do agree in many ways... because there is no closure and no ability to grieve and then heal!) - but if you simply meant that you're in extreme pain, I do hope that you are able to find other resources and others who can help you - or maybe we should start that startup for those who are struggling, eh?  I don't know... I end up being way-more optimistic towards others who are struggling with similar situations than I am about my own situation.  Maybe that's how I can work out a path forward - by imagining I'm helping a friend get beyond this and to a far healthier path!  (trying to think optimistically and think outside the box - and also beyond the FOG of codependency - the FOG standing for Fear Obligation and Guilt!

[/quote]

I meant that when someone dies they at least aren't playing some cruel mind game.  Their death isn't some sort of hostile act meant to cause pain. I can and have dealt with intense grieve.  It's different being with a BPD person.  There's no end to the pain. It keeps coming in big and small waves.

[Perdita]

Sorry, I struggle with quotes from my phone.

[formflier]

What is the update on the hotel situation and living apart?

I may need to go look for another thread.

I quickly reviewed the entire thread and wanted to point out something about lawyers.

They were "right" to say they can't guarantee your safety.  Nobody can do that.  I hope they explained the laws and procedures to "help" guarantee your safety. 

Bottom line...only you are the one that can take action, such as moving out to hotel room...to keep things safe.  I applaud you for doing that!

Best,

FF

[WornOutWife]

New wrinkle — I’ll explain in a new post.  BPD became abusice to a level where we are now in a hotel room — me and the kids.  Not sure if I feel safe returning “home”

I pray and hope you and your family made it to safe and secure housing after all of this. I followed your thread because your situation seems very similar to mine. My uBPDh has imploded our lives. He is also (he and I suspect) mildly autistic. Our son is severely autistic and our two daughters have autism on various spots along the spectrum. My husband has turned me into the focus of his rage and have *spared* the children though I can't be sure about my daughters as he is taken them from me and alleged abuse. Too much to say now.

I say all of that for you to know I can relate to your particular, unique concerns as autism adds a special layer of anxiety to the dysfunction that BPD already creates. It's the perfect storm. As the target of all things from him and his mother (who has a secret mental health diagnosis she is not sharing but I suspect BPD) I have developed reactions to the abuse from them that plays out in my body.

The best thing is doing what you did. Get to safety. I hope you are still safe, you and your children.