Advice on texting weirdness

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I am texting with this guy I matched with on Tinder. We have decided to meet but he is currently away on a business trip so we are keeping the convo going until he is back. The odd thing is that most of the time he doesn't comment on things I tell him about myself, my day etc, even when he has first asked me "how was your day?" I comment on his stuff, as you do, bc that is how you converse with another human. My last text to him was a list of things I have done today to give him a variety of things to choose from, and I made one comment on something about him. His response was something about my comment about him and nothing about anything that I had written about me!

I have had this experience with other men, but this man is worse than anybody I have texted with in the past. My copying style is usually to ignore it until I can no longer stand it and then just not write anymore. Or I stop commenting on their stuff and the convo dies anyway. I need to learn to confront this in a non-threatening way, except I have no idea how to do so without causing him to feel shame and withdraw.

I would appreciate any ideas as to what I can write him to confront this. Many thanks in advance.

PS. Also I wonder if this is a  that I should worry about? He may not be aware and therefore able to change or he is not, in which case I want to pull out now.

[mitti]

Hi all,

I am texting with this guy I matched with on Tinder. We have decided to meet but he is currently away on a business trip so we are keeping the convo going until he is back. The odd thing is that most of the time he doesn't comment on things I tell him about myself, my day etc, even when he has first asked me "how was your day?" I comment on his stuff, as you do, bc that is how you converse with another human. My last text to him was a list of things I have done today to give him a variety of things to choose from, and I made one comment on something about him. His response was something about my comment about him and nothing about anything that I had written about me!

I have had this experience with other men, but this man is worse than anybody I have texted with in the past. My copying style is usually to ignore it until I can no longer stand it and then just not write anymore. Or I stop commenting on their stuff and the convo dies anyway. I need to learn to confront this in a non-threatening way, except I have no idea how to do so without causing him to feel shame and withdraw.

I would appreciate any ideas as to what I can write him to confront this. Many thanks in advance.

PS. Also I wonder if this is a  that I should worry about? He may not be aware and therefore able to change or he is not, in which case I want to pull out now.

[Longterm]

Imo if he's not showing interest in what your getting up to then he has no real interest in you.

Dating involves getting to know one another but tinder is notorious for simply 'hookups'. He may have no interest other than sex.

[totheflow]

I agree with Longterm.

Seems to be all about himself, and who cares what's going on in your life. I've had similar experience with matching with woman on dating sites where I'm just asking questions and they never ask anything about me or make it a conversation. Could also just be that people no longer know how to communicate these days...  

Gotta trust yourself.. also can't see the harm in meeting up and see what kind of feeling you get about this guy. Public place of course.

[OutOfEgypt]

When I started dating, looking for a potential wife for getting re-married, I had a bunch of criteria in mind.  I went through a lot of one-time dates that I told, "Thanks for getting together.  I had fun, but I don't think this is specifically what I'm looking for, so I don't want to waste your time.  Good luck out there!"  There were also some that never made it to a first date.  In my mind, pulling the plug when you see red flags is better earlier than later.  No hard feelings at that point, and you don't even really need to explain why.

Nobody wants to be unrealistically picky, but I think most of us here tend to be the opposite :D.  Be picky.  You owe no explanation for your choices here.  If you see something that concerns you, you're right to listen to it.

[mitti]

Imo if he's not showing interest in what your getting up to then he has no real interest in you.

Dating involves getting to know one another but tinder is notorious for simply 'hookups'. He may have no interest other than sex.

It is possible, though hookups has not been my experience with Tinder. I mean it is obviously there but I notice pretty quickly when they are only after sex, and I don't really get that vibe from this guy. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt in case he is just lacking in social skills but you might be right.

[mitti]

I agree with Longterm.

Seems to be all about himself, and who cares what's going on in your life. I've had similar experience with matching with woman on dating sites where I'm just asking questions and they never ask anything about me or make it a conversation. Could also just be that people no longer know how to communicate these days...  

Gotta trust yourself.. also can't see the harm in meeting up and see what kind of feeling you get about this guy. Public place of course.

I am not really getting that feeling about this guy though I could absolutely be wrong of course. I definitely agree with you that people don't seem to know how to communicate any longer.

He is going to be away for a whole week so not sure I can put up with this for that long, not only bc he shows little interest in me but it gets tiresome showing interest in his stuff when I get no response back about what is going on with me.

I also just want to try something totally new for me, telling somebody that I don't like something that they are doing, or in this case not doing, I just don't know how to.

[mitti]

When I started dating, looking for a potential wife for getting re-married, I had a bunch of criteria in mind.  I went through a lot of one-time dates that I told, "Thanks for getting together.  I had fun, but I don't think this is specifically what I'm looking for, so I don't want to waste your time.  Good luck out there!"  There were also some that never made it to a first date.  In my mind, pulling the plug when you see red flags is better earlier than later.  No hard feelings at that point, and you don't even really need to explain why.

Nobody wants to be unrealistically picky, but I think most of us here tend to be the opposite :D.  Be picky.  You owe no explanation for your choices here.  If you see something that concerns you, you're right to listen to it.

I agree with you and I have had a lot of one-time dates too, or even not getting to a first date. And there's been a lot of guys that never made it that far. I don't want to be wasting my time. I had a good feeling about this man. I mean there is just nothing else that feels off, in what he likes, how he expresses himself etc.

So I am learning I don't have to explain myself or justify what I want, but I would like to learn to tell somebody what I like and don't like. The more I think about it I think this would be a good opportunity for me to practice expressing this. I have never done that before, not until it is has got to a point where it lead to a serious conflict. I just don't know how.

[Leonis]

Yeah, he's probably only there for the booty.

Do not engage. Unless, that's what you want too, of course.

[itsmeSnap]

It's definitely easier to talk about ourselves and get excited/feel good about it, not so much when that is ignored/disregarded by the other person.

To me it might be a , not red. maybe his head is just somewhere else atm (business trips are usually extra packed with work/stress) though that depends on what his comment about your comment was or how the conversation went from mutual attraction to me-me-me 

Care to share?

[totheflow]

He is going to be away for a whole week so not sure I can put up with this for that long, not only bc he shows little interest in me but it gets tiresome showing interest in his stuff when I get no response back about what is going on with me.

What if you message him asking that he reach out when he gets back from the trip and don't communicate until then? Once you meet in person I think you will be able to get a much better read on it. I think 30 minutes over coffee will tell you all you need to know.

[mitti]

Yeah, he's probably only there for the booty.

Do not engage. Unless, that's what you want too, of course.

I have matched with men before on Tinder where this was the case, but this guy didn't give me that feeling, and also we live about 6 hrs drive away from each other. I wonder if he is lacking in conversational skills or if he is just self-absorbed.

[Longterm]

I wonder if he is lacking in conversational skills or if he is just self-absorbed.


Either way, is that what you are looking for in a potential partner?

[mitti]

It's definitely easier to talk about ourselves and get excited/feel good about it, not so much when that is ignored/disregarded by the other person.

So true, it makes me feel kind of stupid and after that sharing things about yourself becomes difficult.

To me it might be a , not red. maybe his head is just somewhere else atm (business trips are usually extra packed with work/stress) though that depends on what his comment about your comment was or how the conversation went from mutual attraction to me-me-me  

Care to share?

You might be right about his head being elsewhere.

In the beginning we talked about both of our things. Then he told me about a particular sports interest of his and asked if I would wear their team T-shirt (of course I would  ), and after that he just seemed to get stuck on that subject, and once we ended up there I didn't know how to move onto something else.

He was going away for this trip the day after but suggested we keep the conversation going until things become clearer between us and he would try to come to my city when back from his trip.

Checking back through our convo it just seems to have gradually become more and more about him. I was telling him things about me also but he responded and added to the thing about himself, but asked me less about me. A lot of this was while he was traveling so I suppose it could be that he kept getting distracted. After he arrived there he wrote me a lot about what it was like, sights, cultural differences, what happened.

He was writing to me about getting into this restaurant, kind of telling me an anecdote as it was happening. I commented on it and shared my complications of that day, organizing a birthday party and sending off an important work assignment. He then wrote me the longest story about a waiter in the restaurant but no comment on my thing. I didn't respond to that bc it bothered me so much. The next day he asked me how my day had been and something about a present he was getting for his son. I commented on the present thing and told him my day had been crazy, mentioning at least 5 different things I had had on that day, which I did deliberately to see if he would at least pick one to comment on or ask about. He didn't. He responded to my comment about the present for his son, and said he was going to sleep.

After this we have written some, a couple of comments and questions about me. Same from me about him. Anyway, if and when this happens again, him totally ignoring things I write about me, I want to address that but everything I can come up with just makes me think he will cut contact bc he will feel criticised or embarrassed.

[mitti]

I wonder if he is lacking in conversational skills or if he is just self-absorbed.


Either way, is that what you are looking for in a potential partner?

Not really, but at the same time, some people aren't good at texting but they are great when you meet them in real life.

And most of all I want to learn to confront something like this, and not have cutting contact be the only strategy to deal with something like this

[mitti]

What if you message him asking that he reach out when he gets back from the trip and don't communicate until then? Once you meet in person I think you will be able to get a much better read on it. I think 30 minutes over coffee will tell you all you need to know.

Only he specifically suggested we keep the convo going while he is away. Also in my experience once you take a "break" in your contact with a Tinder match, it will never happen.

Yes 30 mins is all you need, sometimes less.

[totheflow]

It's hard to tell over text how someone is. I'd give it a proceed with caution stamp and see how you feel after you meet. Maybe review what you are looking for and your deal breakers before the date just so they are fresh in your mind?

[itsmeSnap]

shared my complications of that day...
He then wrote me the longest story about a waiter in the restaurant but no comment on my thing. I didn't respond to that bc it bothered me so much...
The next day he asked me how my day had been [...] told him my day had been crazy, mentioning at least 5 different things I had had on that day...

The thing about not responding to "bad things happening" is to keep the conversation upbeat and happy, maybe he's trying to distract you from your troubles.

Was his waiter story also a tale of woes? The sightseeing and present thing seems to like an attempt at redirecting to a positive/neutral topic.

I know you might be looking for sympathy/support by talking about your problems. It really seems to me like this is something of a mismatch of expectations, him focusing on his passions is probably to seem exciting and attractive and not so much about not caring, but who knows 

when you engaged and seemed excited about the sports thing he may have latched on because its something "positive" he "knows" (from so little you've talked/texted) gets you both in a good mood.

Have you tried talking about your own passions? if he bites then all is good, he gets to know you and gets interested in your life   if not then you can draw your own conclusions with extra info on hand.

[insideoutside]

Hi all,

I am texting with this guy I matched with on Tinder. We have decided to meet but he is currently away on a business trip so we are keeping the convo going until he is back. The odd thing is that most of the time he doesn't comment on things I tell him about myself, my day etc, even when he has first asked me "how was your day?" I comment on his stuff, as you do, bc that is how you converse with another human. My last text to him was a list of things I have done today to give him a variety of things to choose from, and I made one comment on something about him. His response was something about my comment about him and nothing about anything that I had written about me!

I have had this experience with other men, but this man is worse than anybody I have texted with in the past. My copying style is usually to ignore it until I can no longer stand it and then just not write anymore. Or I stop commenting on their stuff and the convo dies anyway. I need to learn to confront this in a non-threatening way, except I have no idea how to do so without causing him to feel shame and withdraw.

I would appreciate any ideas as to what I can write him to confront this. Many thanks in advance.

PS. Also I wonder if this is a  that I should worry about? He may not be aware and therefore able to change or he is not, in which case I want to pull out now.

My friend is a bit like this.  He will ask me how I am etc., but he never responds back when I tell him.  Drives me insane.  I ask him about himself and he respond back with answers so I respond back again.. but it always falls to silence when I say anything about myself.

Not sure if its a red flag, but I would say it shows he's not into you as much as you are in to him.  When my friend needed a supportive ear, he was very interested in my life.  Now he is better, not so much. 

[Starfire]

Personally, I wouldn't pursue anything with someone like this.  However, to give him the benefit of the doubt...

At work I have learned that a lot of people do not manage multiple topics very well via email or text.  If I have 6 questions I need to ask, I know that I can only send 2 in writing because that's the most I'll get answered, sometimes only 1.  If I send all 6, I might not get any answers at all.  This seems to be true of most men and certain women, but is always true of people who are very busy.  They just do not have the time to sort through a lot of written communication and distill what is essential.  

The best alternative is to have an actual conversation, whether by phone or in person doesn't matter. If I get the response I need this way, then I know for sure that person is just one of those folks that can't manage their load of written communication effectively.

Edited to add:  Of course, this raises the question of how many text message threads he has ongoing at any given time. With online dating, there is a certain amount of that you should expect.  He may be chatting up several women at once.  No judgment about that.  Just sayin'.

[insideoutside]

Just to share following my earlier post.  I text my friend yesterday at just gone 11.30am asking him about two important things going on (or not as the case may be) in his life and said I hoped he was doing good.  7.5 hours later (who literally doesn't look at their phone in all that time if they aren't working) he eventually responded.  He asked how I was so I responded this morning with 'I'm good' which was 5 hours ago.  So far no response.  Doubt I will get one for a week or so now.  I'm guessing he has a female friend on the go and I am not important enough to him at the moment... I always think if somebody doesn't respond back within a certain timeframe, you are just not important enough or they have other things going on.  Maybe I just won't respond next time...