Not quite sure how to not be involved with all her weekly financial issues

[PeaceMom]

Mod note: This discussion was split from the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338393.0

Excellent advice Probiotic. What type of work does your DD do? Does she live on her own and pay her own way? My 19DD lives at home so I’m not quite sure how to not be involved with all her weekly financial issues. It’s a fine line between treating her like a competent adult and her freaking out about her acct getting low asking for help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Probiotic]

None of this is easy, is it? It took me a decade to learn that I can’t change our daughter; the decade of thinking if we just do this, if we just help her do that, maybe something will click and she’ll change. None of our financial help changed the way she handled money. She never asked for financial help, but we did it anyway because we lived in fear of her getting severely in debt, becoming homeless,  and then killing herself. Like many of you, we lived with the fear of suicide and experienced numerous close-calls with her attempts. Honestly, I don’t know if we’ll ever feel completely free from that fear. 

After reading posts on this board daily for more than I year, we were able to get the courage to let her be an adult. That included the harsh acceptance that things could go very, very badly, including death. We realized since we couldn’t change her, we were looking at a possible lifetime of us supporting her and being enmeshed with her with nobody being better off. 

She always has had bf’s,  who are always nice people but who have their own baggage. Even if the two of them have been homeless for short periods, she has a bf to rely on. If she didn’t have a bf,  I’m sure it would’ve taken us longer to detach with love because we would’ve been still so fearful.

She works periodically from home.  She’s lost numerous temp jobs because she feels like she can’t handle the anxiety.  She has an extremely long road ahead of her.

Like so many wise parents here, my advice is to read all you can and take what works for you from the families on this board. One tiny change can lead you to feel more confident to make another. The posters on this board empowered me to make changes in myself which in turn made my relationship with our daughter so much better.

[Probiotic]

Oops—I didn’t clarify that she has not lived in our home since she graduated from high school. That was/is a boundary. She has never asked to move home. 

[PeaceMom]

Tazmania,
Have you made any decisions yet? This thread is very interesting to me and I am learning from the input here. Seems a lot of us keep coming back to the money and boundaries issue.

A dear friend has a DD27 ubpd and the daughter stopped and started a very expensive cosmetology school at least two times because of poor attendance and low motivation. She would never have tried the third time if the parents didn’t pay. She finished the 3rd time, got her license and has been self sufficient and off their payroll now for 4 years.

I recall all the “advice” given to the parents about this being an enabling, waste of money and a foolish investment, but they deeply felt it was critical she obtain job skills. Hindsight in this case is 20/20, but they are so very thankful they followed their gut and disregarded therapists advice.

[Swimmy55]

I am wondering if the answer is somewhere in between.  We can help our BPD children with education but with no expectation of payback.  Like look at it as a gift ( if we can afford to).  I'm just musing aloud here. 

[Swimmy55]

In my own particular case, DS does have a college degree . His Grandfather and myself paid his student loans for attending an in -state college.  Currently DS is in the wind doing hard drugs and who knows what else.  However, I see it as taking a chance on him at the time. I don't have regrets on paying.  If you can afford to help your child better herself as you are able, without any expectation , that may be the way to go? 

[PeaceMom]

Swimmy,
My DS24 BP1 got his associates degree and is registered for college starting in 3 weeks. We’ve made no plans bc im feeling so unsure for him. He’s had a BP cycle every Fall for the past 3 years which has caused him to drop out of school and has landed him in Residential treatment. He is desperate for me to help him -we haven’t secured an apartment, he has no car, no job. He was able to secure a Student loan but that seems incredibly risky for someone w/MH issues. I’m literally frozen and unable to help him. Maybe he needed a life coach bc I’m too fearful and overwhelmed to assist. He needs help.
Thoughts? ideas?

[Swimmy55]

Hi Peacemom,

1. First of all you are helping him/ have helped him. I know you are afraid of " one false move" mentality and it all goes sideways.  That is very true, it could very well go sideways regardless of what we do/ don't do.  Even being  frozen and doing nothing, your DS's disease  will follow its own path.
2. Life coach in this instance would be therapists and it seems you have/ are handling that ( he goes to Residential every Fall) , so you have a system in place that catches him when he falls.  In addition he is willing to go -that is a huge plus.  
3. He managed to get an Associates, which is an accomplishment.  
4. He  secured a student loan ( on his own , I'm guessing?  Does he want you to help him with this loan? Or he wants help with housing/ text books?).   Does he also go to school in the Spring semesters as well? Summer?  Could waiting until Spring be an option since he has hard times in the Autumn?  

[PeaceMom]

Swimmy,
Tears came to my eyes here reading your summary of my situation. It feels so terrifying and paralyzing that I in 100% avoidance mode. Thank you for reminding me that BP has a mind of its own independent of all my thought, preparation and concern. Also, why should my smart, sweet, willing son not be able to try to better his life by getting an Advertising degree just bc he lives with this beast of a MH disease.
We read every single day about healthy kids graduating from college with excessive debt from squandering and misusing government funds, why should I discourage him taking loans bc he has a disease.
I think your words freed me to take a step forward here and offer my assistance to help him find an apartment and maybe a cash car. It’s terrifying but he takes his meds, stays off drugs and is trying his best.

I’m truly sorry to hijack this thread. Please forgive me.