hive mind

[ProfDaddy]

I have been struggling lately with the hive mind, or what our T calls the "undifferentiated ego mass." DD17 turned the hive mind in my family against me and her stepmother. My family of origin is too unhealthy to understand and enforce natural consequences. They fell for DD17's manipulation, they have undone every limit I set as a parent, then blamed me for being abusive. She was expelled from high school, lost her computer, didn't contribute to the cost of her car, kept a secret second phone, and did not follow through to enroll in college this fall. After many second chances, I didn't replace her computer, took her phone, sold the car, and let her move in with her aunt, in another state.  My father and my sister have undone all these consequences. She has a new phone, a new computer, is getting a car, has moved back to our town and lives with my ex (who she didn't talk to for 4 years). I now don't talk to anyone in my family, have been disinherited, etc. Of course, this is all my fault for being "abusive." DD17 turned the family, in the drama triangle they are now the savior, DD17 is the victim, and me and the stepmother are the abusers. DS14, who lives with the two of them now, has his own manipulations and difficulties. The whole situation makes me doubt my own reality. The whole thing is very frustrating and depressing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Hi So sorry to hear this , Its amazing to me how people (mostly Family) can fall for this time and time again  Especially if they know us very well and have for years .  I wish I had some good advice but I don't . Just wanted you to know we understand your feelings and keep your chin up and don't let the others (family) get you down  Pretty soon they will all find out how hard it has been for you and wife  Sending positive thoughts  hang in there

[FaithHopeLove]

Well that sucks. How frustrating to be trying to set some healthy limits with your teenage daughter just to have the rest of the family undermine them! It's good you are in therapy and taking care of your own needs. The word that keeps coming to my mind is patience. There are a bunch of unhealthy triangles going on. Best to stay as far away from the drama as possible.You have done all you can for your children for now. Time to focus on you. Besides therapy, what else are you doing for yourself?

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Profdad, what you did is what I did, and noone rescued my DD20, who then grew up...and is working on herself in ways that would boggle other's minds.  She enrolled herself in college and is attending.  She lives in a halfway house and is actively learning how to better function with others (actively talks about it, etc).  She and I are doing swimmingly well and have for quite a little run now...She is growing up and being a person I never would have EVER imagined she'd become...and it all started when she did literally everything you said yours did, and I did everything literally you said you'de do.
Don't back down. Her mom may reap what she's sowing, and you will still need to make choices and decisions...dont rescue her or "forgive" because you want to "see if" ...(which Im not saying you would ever do).
Stay the course and reap the rewards.
Perhaps figure out where she might go in your area if she isn't permitted to come to your house and your ex says she has to leave.  This, as in this day and time, it literally is a safety issue.  Other than that, make her learn about real life.  She can't afford to behave like "that" anymore...time is ticking away and it's getting serious.
I applaud you.

[livednlearned]

The whole situation makes me doubt my own reality.

In what way?

[ProfDaddy]

Since nobody in the family backs me, are they all correct, I'm too strict, and need to save this child yet again? That's the doubt...it isn't rational. The whole thing sounds unreal -- my almost 18 year old daughter has convinced my family that I'm too strict, they all agree with her (my father, stepmother, both sisters), and I'm a neglectful father because I won't let my daughter move back in instead of getting her life together and going to college.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Do you think your requests are unreasonable?

If they think she needs to be rescued, why do they expect you to do what they want instead of them rescuing her?

In your best judgment, if you rescue your daughter again, will you get new results?  (The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results is where this question comes from.  I've been asking myself this question a lot lately!)

[ProfDaddy]

Great question LOTR, if I rescue her again, the results will be the same, and she won't learn. I'm just feeling selfish, as this is the first time I really held to taking care of myself and my wife first. DD17 is  just a few days short of 18, she has lots of resources and needs to do for herself.

[livednlearned]

My stepdaughter defines any boundary as someone being mean.

If I say no, that's for Thursday's dinner, she asks if I'm mad at her. 

It's tough if the whole family is saying you're strict (when all you're doing is setting a boundary...) and I can see why it would make you feel like your reality is distorted.

But it sounds more like the family is freaking out that you are changing the fixed role they have in mind for you. My T said that dysfunctional families rely on fixed roles because they lack the psychological and emotional skills to adapt fluidly to ambiguity and uncertainty, which increases anxiety, a feeling that is too painful to tolerate.

Also, it sounds like classic triangulation. They are off the hook as the bad guys if there is someone volunteering for the role.

[nonbordermom11]

Profdad...hang in there...my DD27 also poisoned the minds of my brothers and sisters, then fled to her biodad who left her at age 4 with salacious stories of abuse and neglect, I made an attempt to contact them but they would not take my call...after 10days they started to see a pattern, then I got a message needing guidance because she was being disrespectful and defiant, stories were changing and not adding up...they ended up kicking her out of their home. I have to admit that when she left my house after a series of horrible rages to go there, I actually had peace in my house that I haven't had in a long time. I knew she was safe when she was there even though I was painted as the bad guy. Unfortunately now she is on her own in an apt 13 hrs away, and she continues to blame me for this. My message to you is take care of yourself and family, take this time to learn all you can. If she gets better then find joy in that even though you pay a price, but odds are history will repeat itself and you will get that "call". My brothers and sisters know me and her, they don't take sides, just are tying to help a bad situation.

[nonbordermom11]

Profdad...just re read another one of your posts...I too can't have my DD live back in my house, her last rage involved threats of calling the police and saying saying things that never happened, my DH was so upset he had to take 2 Xanax and thought he was having a stroke, I can' t put him through this...We walked on eggshells and anytime we tried to create a boundary, she came back with defiance and rages, sat in her room and smoked weed all day, no job, demanding things from us cuz we owed her this bc she believed we caused this. She was raised in a loving home, we came from 2 very close and loving families. Both my other kids are doing very well, 1 is 24 with a Masters degree, the other in college and wonderful kid. During their lives we had to set boundaries and rules. Nothing harsh just everyday stuff, be home at this time, attend school, be respectful. My BPDD constantly pushed those boundaries, so we had consequences...no car, grounded, etc. there was no violence. Her claims are we neglected and rejected her and she was abandoned by her biodad. I lost count of all the times we had to drop and save her. I too am struggling with my next move and what is the right thing, I'm encouraged by some replies where parents let their adult children "figure it out" the way society dictates...get a job, learn to live within your means, get along with others, find happiness.  Your not being too strict, your teaching her life lessons, bosses and co workers won't be so understanding, if a BP can't control emotions in the home, they won't in the real world, we are setting them up for failure. How to do this? Still trying to figure it out...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders