Withholding details

[All_Out_of_Sync]

So my uBPDw has been demanding details of my conversations with other people.  Instead of getting drawn in, I simply refuse to engage.  In return, she has been actively refusing to give me details about our kids activities, events & even her work schedule.

When I asked her to put her work on our family calendar, she said, "No, they are on MY calendar."  I thought about asking her to share her calendar with me but decided against that. Instead,  I asked her to text me the dates so I could add them to my own calendar, she refused.

I was FLOODED.  Instead of getting drawn in, I left it alone and went for a run!   

The thing is, if we are both at work I want the kids to know they can reach out to me if something comes up.  Obviously this isn't normal but it is a first for me.   Has anyone else experienced something like this?

Part of the push/pull?

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[Birddog]

Struggled with this one with spouse. Went with “family” calendar on our iPhones to solve as practical measure, then we both had a neutral space to share and make updates. My spouse has delusional paranoia issues with technology and  phone so Took some nuancing and encouragement to share the space and contribute. I think it’s okay she has her own calendar and sets boundaries for her own space. I still occasional have to hound her for dates. Sometimes her experiencing natural consequences of not sharing, rather than constantly chasing.

Example: I would really like to be at kids event, I know that would be important, I’ll need some way of knowing the time, we do have shared calendar.

Example sorry I wasn’t able to cover for your appointment, that must be frustrating, to be able support you can you please send me information on the time.

My spouse has insecurity and control issues about knowing everything, So, yeah kind of frustrating the demand for a different standard.  Usually I am generally open unless know what is being shared is going to be weaponized and used in an abusive manor against me or others.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Thanks birddog,
Your last line hit me

Usually I am generally open unless know what is being shared is going to be weaponized and used in an abusive manor against me or others.

This is very much my life, everything is weaponized.   For example, surprisingly, my uBPDw asked for forgiveness tonight for withholding the details of her schedule yesterday in such a reactive manner...but even the apology was weaponized and backhanded.  She told me she had "acted out of her feelings because everything has been so secretive lately." 

Nothing has been secretive, I just have more firm boundaries than previously.  I guess this was her ill informed approach at setting her own boundary in a dysregulated state? 

[Birddog]

This is very much my life, everything is weaponized.   For example, surprisingly, my uBPDw asked for forgiveness tonight for withholding the details of her schedule yesterday in such a reactive manner...but even the apology was weaponized and backhanded.

Probably some perceived persecutory elements and she went into protective self mode. When my spouse goes their she has strong need to hyper control and punish. It’s hard on all relations. I think in your case here, need for her own calendar is acceptable. Using it to manipulate and punish is not so healthy.

[MidLifCrysis1]

I get similar treatment pretty consistently in certain states.

When my spouse is feeling like I'm being villainous, she retracts herself and only communicates highly essential family-related info. All other is kept from me - which is absolutely the opposite of how we operate normally.

Of course, when she says things to me how I would never know what it's like, since she doesn't ever do things to me like I do to her...*sigh* what can we do?

In fact, today I am getting the total silent treatment to the point that I am really concerned.
For more details, see my post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339124.0

Good luck, Sync.

[once removed]

Instead of getting drawn in, I simply refuse to engage.

there are some things you dont want to engage in. some bait you dont want to take.

for example, if your wife calls you a stupid idiot, you dont want to get in an argument about why you arent a stupid idiot.

but stonewalling and avoidance just breed resentment and tit for tat. she feels dismissed, and she hears that her concerns arent important. so shes giving it back.

So my uBPDw has been demanding details of my conversations with other people

tell us more. what details does she want, and about whom?