I believe my ex has BPD and wonder what it all meant

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

our relationship became a struggle shortly after we got together. It all moved very fast and I had a lot invested in it. I always knew something wasn’t right but was never able to figure it out until it ended and I was out of the emotional turmoil.
It ended very badly, he threw me and my young daughter out of he house based on false accusations. He has lied to all of his family and all of our friends about what really happened. I had threatened leaving several times, he always begged and convinced me to stay and I finally made the commitment to make it work... .then it all blew up in my face.
Volatile moods, anger, irrational thought processes, self mutilation in the form of scratching till he bleeds... .he has it all!
I guess I’m here because I’m left with so many questions... .although I will never go back to that I feel like I still love him despite how horrible he has treated me. Do I love him or who I thought he was?
Did he love me?
Could I have done anything differently?
Is he hurting like I am?
Should I try to help him?

[Aqua6896]

our relationship became a struggle shortly after we got together. It all moved very fast and I had a lot invested in it. I always knew something wasn’t right but was never able to figure it out until it ended and I was out of the emotional turmoil.
It ended very badly, he threw me and my young daughter out of he house based on false accusations. He has lied to all of his family and all of our friends about what really happened. I had threatened leaving several times, he always begged and convinced me to stay and I finally made the commitment to make it work... .then it all blew up in my face.
Volatile moods, anger, irrational thought processes, self mutilation in the form of scratching till he bleeds... .he has it all!
I guess I’m here because I’m left with so many questions... .although I will never go back to that I feel like I still love him despite how horrible he has treated me. Do I love him or who I thought he was?
Did he love me?
Could I have done anything differently?
Is he hurting like I am?
Should I try to help him?

[once removed]

hi Aqua6896 and

youve really been through the wringer. im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you have found us, and you will find many of us here can relate to what youve been through.

your questions are very familiar to the ones i had when i was left... .the answers are really unique to us, our partners, our relationship, and can be complicated. things can be so raw at this time, but things will become clearer.

now is a really good time to lean into a good support group, get acquainted with the lessons to the right of the board, share with us, and treat yourself gently and kindly. additionally, id recommend finding a good therapist to help support you.

how did you come to learn about BPD and make the connection?

[Aqua6896]

Thank you Once removed.

It really has been a very difficult time.
I had been wanting out of te relationship for a while. It was extremely toxic and I knew the best thing was leaving him but I could never bring myself to do it once he begged me to stay because I loved/live him.

I knew there was something wrong early on but could never put my finger on it. I realized he was very insecure and I guess attributed a lot of our fights to that. He was irrational to the point I felt we were having two very distinct and seperate arguments when we caught, very confusing.

When he kicks me out of his house (where my daughter and I had live the past year and a half) I was dumbfounded. He accused me of abusing his daughters and that was a complete lie. He told my family, his family and all our friends the same story to try and justify his actions... .that he had thrown a six year old girl into the street with no where to go!

It wasn’t until I was able to get back to my home country and out of that environment that I was able to look at the past 1.5 years with clarity. In the 3 weeks since this all happened I have learned that he has been lying to my friends and family about so much, me, our relationship, his past etc. Nothing but lies and what seems to be useless lies with no purpose.

I have a degree in psychology and my knowledge along with just pure common sense that someone who is healthy does not behave in this manner. I started to do research on all of his symptoms and it was appereant that he suffers from BPD.

He is not a young man. How does he not know? Or does he and he chooses to hide it? How did I not see it before?
So many questions! How could he do this to me, to my daughter? Does he feel any remorse?

His accusations are so severe and although my first instinct is to defend myself, I have chosen to just disappear and put him behind me knowing that he can only bring pain to those around him, but I feel like I need closure. I want an opportunity to yell at him, tell him what he did was wrong, that it hurt that he’s sick and needs help. At the same time I feel like my disappearance is his worst punishment.
I have written him  emails that I never send because I know that I will never get the truth.
Why do we torture ourselves this way

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Aqua6896,

I'd like to join Once Removed in welcoming you to the board.  I'm so glad you found us.  What you've been through is so difficult and it's no wonder you have all the questions.  I was the same way, wanting answers.  Unfortunately, he isn't the person to give them.  Only we can reach that closure for ourselves.  There is a great deal of information here, so do take a look around at the articles to the right of the screen and I'm sure you'll find comfort in reading others' posts and knowing you're not alone in this.  I think I can safely say that we've all come out dazed and confused by what we've experienced.  I know it's cliche, but time is a great healer and things do get better.  I'd also encourage you to involve yourself in others' discussions as there is much to be said for having community support whilst we heal. 

Love and light x 

[wellwellwell]

Welcome, Aqua6896. You referred to getting back to your home country. I moved country (and continent) to marry my now ex-partner, and I wanted to say that I understand the complexity that that can add. I found the first few years alienating, and it took me a long time (many, many years) to understand that a lot of the pain I experienced then was caused by the marriage to my BPD partner, not the relocation. My experience was that it was difficult to really identify anything 'wrong' until things got so bad that I was trapped in an extremely difficult situation. A lot of what I thought were common marriage challenges were actually pretty extreme behavior. I have found this board to be a good source of rational and open-minded advice about how to process these experiences. Good luck.

[ColdKnight]

Wrong thread, sorry