Recorded while sleeping

[paintedpebble]

My partner has been experiencing a lot of paranoia for months, and believes I've cheated on him, although I haven't and have no desire to do so. I love him deeply and am working hard to validate his feelings, no matter how difficult it is when the accusations come fast and furious; are extremely hurtful; and are so far outside of anything I would ever do that I am often stunned by them. He told me yesterday that he recorded me while I was sleeping, something that I honestly was hoping he WOULD do, even though I don't think that's something that a partner SHOULD do, because he has become so convinced that I am waking up in the night and having sex with someone in our house while he sleeps, and I thought that if he recorded me while I was asleep it might prove to him that I wasn't. Unfortunately, he believes he hears the sounds of me and someone else having sex on the recording, while he snores nearby. I haven't heard the recording yet, and I cannot imagine what it is that he's caught on it, because it certainly isn't me having sex with anyone other than him, but how in the world am I going to validate his feelings in this situation that feels completely crazy to me, especially if he's convinced that what he hears is what's going on when I know it's not? I'm so sad (for him and for myself), frustrated, and I feel like I'm going insane. I can't believe this is what our life has turned into. Everyone I know would say to leave, that this is abusive, and I'd probably advise someone the same if they were in my shoes, but when he isn't in the grip of this awful paranoia he is the man I wanted to spend my life with. I've been committed to learning as much as I can about BPD and finding ways to take care of myself, but at this point I'm just exhausted, physically and emotionally. I don't get as much sleep as I need because he frequently wakes up multiple times at night and rages for hours, or does so in the morning, or when I get home from work. I validate, validate, validate, but any slip up on my part and he pounces on it - accusing me of not caring, of lying, of treating him like s***, of acting guilty, etc. I know I need to draw boundaries, and enforce them, but everything I read says it'll get worse when I do before getting better, and I'm terrified of what "worse" will look like.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[itsmeSnap]

I think its most likely not about you actually having sex with anyone or even the possibility/opportunity since material evidence, the recording (you mentioned you haven't heard it, does it even exist really or is it a "bait" to get you to "confess"?), is being twisted to fit the narrative.

Its about a feeling of abandonment "materialized" into a cheating delusion. It's self defeating as a re-engaging tactic since it drives you away with the accusations instead of bringing you and him closer as you would expect someone feeling lonely/abandoned would do.

Now, I'm no expert or anything so here's my unqualified view of the situation: it seems that reassuring him of the superficial (I'm not cheating on you) is not getting at the core of the issue, which is why it keeps bubbling back up.

The "validation target" should probably be closer to his core sense of self, which is often eroded or negative in people with bpd (part family history, part predisposition).

Care to write a bit more about the situation? How did this whole cheating paranoia thing start, any other "shenanigans" besides the recordings? what happened around the time it got worse (Job stress, major life event, family of origin problems, something else)?

[paintedpebble]

Thanks, ItsmeSnap, I think you're right about it being about a feeling of abandonment, and yes, it is self-defeating as a tactic. You're absolutely correct that reassuring him of the fact that I'm not cheating on him doesn't get at the core or offer him much relief. The truth is that I'm a highly sensitive person and I have tended to shut down or withdraw when he rages or accuses, or I've gotten defensive, or offered explanation...basically all of the things that you're not supposed to do! I now know about not JADEing, and am applying that to our conflicts and it helps, but he really believes I'm not capable of being honest with him because of the times I have not shared things with him, whether out of fear of judgement or out of not understanding the question or including all of the information. Honesty and integrity are really important to me, so it's been especially hurtful to be accused of being a liar, but I can understand the deep desire for nothing but the truth however ugly or painful it may be. I'm working now to understand the core issue and identify the feelings underneath the accusations...it does help.

[Light_walker]

@Paintedpebble, you describe nearly my EXACT situation with the man I love. I hope that you won't mind if I 'tag along' on the guidance and advice you may receive. And know you are not alone - I'm in the same situation and am here if you want to share notes and ideas.