Broken

[TwoFriendsDown]

I am trying to sort through the aftermath of a 4.5-year romantic relationship with someone who was a long-time friend (25 years), and I am devastated.

It was an affair.  She was married and we turned to each other after some emotional turmoil in our lives.  But I have always loved her and I'm ashamed to say I didn't even think twice.  We carried on, hiding in plain sight.. and then things turned.

She was always one of my biggest cheerleaders but her behavior began to turn bizarre.  We had agreed that we needed to be monogamous for this to work, but she began sleeping with others.  She admitted to sleeping with other women, but I would have to be a fool not to see it was men as well.  Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  She also started to lash out at me, especially when she was drinking (which was pretty much every night).  The first time it happened, it was shocking.  I remember mumbling apologies and feeling extremely guilty and remorseful, even though I didn't know what I had done.  Her infidelity supposedly stopped three years ago when I gave her an ultimatum... but the splitting did not.  So every week was a few good days and then a couple of terrible ones, as I learned to stand up to her... first with anger, and then logic, and then just walking away.  But she would always come back and so of course, I did as well.

Her husband was often absent, and he had pretty much checked out anyway.  He is a lovely guy who is extremely successful, but he had lived with her for twenty years, and he had nothing left for her.

Finally she was diagnosed with BPD in the late winter of this year.  By now, her husband told her he was leaving her.  Now it was her turn to be devastated and then lay that on my doorstep.  She had loved him all along but couldn't communicate with him properly.  So after telling me that no one loved her the way I did, that I loved her the way she had always wanted... now I was a reminder of failure.  I was leftovers.

I had lost my job during this time, and she is a woman of considerable wealth.  So now I became a burden to her... but honestly, I was afraid to get a job because I was afraid she would sleep with someone while I was at work.  I had become paranoid.  Codependency anyone?

She was seeing a therapist who told her (according to her) that being with me wasn't letting her move on with her life, and that she needed to be alone.  Yet this still wasn't the final straw, because she would tell me that she wanted me to come with her on her "journey".  I responded that it needed to be about both of us, but that was met with claims of selfishness on my part, and how could I do this to her and her kids and she had huge demands on her life (she hadn't worked in 10 years and didn't need the money but ok).

I had kept all of this a secret in order to protect her.  But I was coming apart at the seams.  No one who knew her well could understand why her best friend was putting up with her behavior; why someone who had taken her to numerous medical appointments, and who looked after her children over those five years would then subject himself to her barrage of white-hot anger and abuse when things went off the rails.

It's because I loved her and always had.  Nevertheless... when someone who I had finally confided in told me about my partner's latest indiscretion, I had enough.  I texted her angrily that it was done, I blocked her on my phone and social media... and then I had a complete breakdown.  A large man racked with big, unrepentant sobs.

I've started telling my friends about the relationship... telling them why I've been absent in their lives.  It's worth noting that I had sought solace with this woman because my best friend whom I had grown up with also turned on me in almost the same way.  So, for almost a decade, I have spent my life caring for two best friends through their time of crises, just to have them turn on me because of their mental illness.  What does that say about me?

I am seeing a therapist next week and she has experience with BPD and abuse, but my God, I am a broken man.

[ColdKnight]

We are here for you. We are listening. After I was first discarded I told my story to all my friends who would listen until I could tell they were tired of listening. They would say just move one. You will get over it in time. Well if I could of moved on that easily I would have. It is like telling a heroin addict to just quit.

I spent a year researching and came to the conclusion she is uBPD. Armed with that I came back for another try. I thought I had all the answers and thought i could navigate her. It lasted four months and it was a rocky four months.

I am in a much better place now because after this second go around I realize it was not me. I tried all I could to help this girl and she turned her back to me. This time I realized that I did my best and can move on knowing that. It still hurts but a lot less now.

Talk, read, watch, reach out, absorb all you can about BPD and you will eventually come to the conclusion that it’s not you, it’s them and yes as cliche as it sounds, time does heal all wounds...eventually

Stay strong brother...

[TwoFriendsDown]

Thanks ColdKnight... right now it's just one foot in front of the other...

[Mutt]

Hi TwoFriendsDown,



I'd lke to join Cold Knight and welcome you to the family. As Cold Knight stated you are not alone, by sharing your experience with people that have similar experiences, it will help you on your path to healing.

I am glad to hear that you're also seeing a T.

You said that you called your ex and told her that you were done, have you heard from her since?

PS Cool username!

[TwoFriendsDown]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for the welcome and the support.

Actually, I didn't call her... I sent some angry texts and then blocked her.  From everything.  Phone, social media... the works.  The problem is that we have a lot of mutual friends so sometimes I'll see a "like" or a comment and it hurts.  But no, I've not heard a peep from her.

Today was hard, other days have been easier... I imagine it will be like that for awhile.  But she will move on quicker than I will.  Most people don't realize she is BPD because she is so much fun in a social setting, and everyone wants to hang out with this smart, beautiful, funny woman.  She was a television host for almost a decade, and she was really, really good at it.  That's her level of charisma.  I used to be considered charming and witty as well... now some days I feel like a worn-down pencil nub.

Tomorrow is brand new day.