How do I get back to myself? I don’t recognize myself anymore.
From age 12 to 36, I was a positive, cheerful father, husband, family man and international business leader.
Depression was something I never imagined I’d experience, nor anyone around me. During the devaluation stage, I’ve fallen into major deep depression and nearly committed suicide by swallowing a bottle of prescription meds a year ago to end the pain of rejection.
In my pre-BPD relationship, I was described as “positively infectious”. Yes, I was a people pleaser, I loved helping anyone I could to improve. I would respectfully challenge people to grow.
I’ve been sought after to judge business plan competitions at IVY league schools, scaled a company into an international franchise system into 30+ countries.
I hosted my family, extended family and friends 2 to 3 times per week at my home to play sports, bbq, enjoy each other’s company and fill the home or experience with joy.
I was very popular due to my nature of being kind and welcoming to all people from any background. I saw the good in everyone.
I thought I’d defeated my battles with growing up with high conflict parents in a very tough neighborhood run by gangs. I got in trouble when I was a teen but rapidly turned my life around and married at the age of 20 to my first wife. (Looking back, she was a pwbpd traits, but I never fell head over heels for her - so I was able to let the irrational behavior bounce off me and i continued being myself. She reached a point where the negativity and disrespectful behavior was too much, so I divorced her at age 23. We had a child together who is now 16 and facing some struggles emotionally himself.
After the first divorce, I focused on scaling an international business and met and loved a wonderful woman. She was six years my senior, the relationship was turmoil free. It just flowed easily. However, we disagreed on having children and cultural issues were not ideal. We broke off this 4 year relationship as adults and continue to have high levels of respect for one another.
I dated a few more women with an interest in getting married. No sex, courtship style dating where I’d get the families involved early on to see if things were a right fit.
Around this time of seeking a spouse, as a young wealthy man, it was hard to decipher who wanted me for me or who wanted the international luxury lifestyle I could provide.
At a gathering with friends, I met “the one”. She was so sweet, so kind, beautiful and the second I lay eyes on her, I was in love. She took care of me, dished my plates and attended to my needs.
I thought little of the fact that I was told she was married. At that point, I was thinking “I’d like to find a single woman like her”.
She offered to help identify potential spouses. This was refreshing as I figured she’d likely be around people like her.
She was recently married but her husband was in another state. I asked if he’s ok with her helping me out and she said it’s fine.
We would talk on the phone for quite sometime. Being i want to get married, I disclosed intimate details and aspirations of my life. She introduced me to a few women to talk to. The ones I met on my own, I’d share my experience with her, what I like, dislike, etc.
Over a couple of months, we became very close friends. Her husband being away all the time, she and I would go out regularly, 2x per week at first. Then 3, and next thing I know we’re seeing each other daily.
I’m not feeling comfortable about meeting like this, she’s married, even though it’s long distance and he comes in and goes on the weekends from time to time, that’s her husband.
I’d make statements regularly that I’d never disrespect her or her husband or their marriage. That I enjoyed greatly spending time with her, but this is getting beyond just friendship - we obviously care for each other and miss one another.
Out comes the damsel in distress stories. How her husband neglects her, doesn’t care, is emotionally abusive. She painted him out to be a horrible man.
When I met him, he seemed cordial, pious, a good guy. I just blew that off as maybe with everyone else he’s good - but between the both of them, they have major relationship issues. Cursing, yelling, insults towards him - towards his family and how they were bad.
She brought up stories about her father that made him look mean as well. As well as her siblings.
She played the “damsel in distress” card.
I bought it hook, line and sinker.
She told me their marriage is over, they both want an amicable divorce, however the texts between them told a different story - she would insult him, his family, play the victim role very well. He would hold his ground and seem non caring (later I learned those are boundaries).
We became intimate during their breakup period. A period that lasted over a year with her going to him, then leaving him to come to me. Telling me she’s confused on what to do.
By this time, I am in love with her in ways I never imagined possible. She took care of me Better than I could imagine. Her charm and charisma towards me was magical. (Now I know it’s the Idealization stage). I witnessed the devaluation stage and how mean she could be to her soon to be ex husband but due to her stories about the way she was treated by him and his family, red flags were not firing off in my head to run away - that this will soon be me going through the devaluation stage.
We got married. Her ex husband was very happy to have me as her new husband because he looked up to my character. He wanted me to be the step father of their 2 year old child. I felt so guilty all this was happening. I felt torn apart. How could I possibly have gone from one Xtreme of dating women through a no sex, no physical touch honorable process through the families to now being insanely in love with my BPD lover who sleeps with me and her husband.
I justified things by buying into her story that behind closed doors, he was miserable to her - I couldn’t see how he could - given that she was practically an angel with me.
Since she knew exactly what I wanted in a woman, and didn’t want - she molded into the perfect woman for me that I never knew I needed.
We were attached together (or at least I thought I was) like superglue. She had my entire heart.
We got married and the honeymoon phase lasted for years. I took care of all her needs, took her around the world on exotic trips, we spent all free time together.
I disconnected from my friends and family to be with her. At first it was just a desire from myself. Later on, I noticed a pattern where she would pick out all the faults of my family and friends and it would just be more peaceful to further disconnect.
We had a daughter together. I tested our step daughter as my own. Life was wonderful.
She earned a high income in the medical field, but would spend 10% on our household bills which didn’t bother me much since I made a very large income. (Now I know better - both working adults need to contribute equitably)
Then I struggled some financial difficulties. Not devastating out in the street style difficulties, but the businesses I got involved in took a lot of cash.
The business took so much of my time - but the payoff was worth it - a little sacrifice now, for lifelong financial freedom in just a few years.
I buried my head into hard work because I had no other choice. I neglected my family due to work, but told them be patient, this is just a heavy workload period that should pass in 2 to 3 years and the future should be amazing with the freedom we’ll have.
When we first got married, we agreed that if I ever need assistance with the household financials, she would help. She said absolutely. After 7 years of me carrying 90% of the weight - I needed some help from her.
This started the “devaluation” stage. I was called a coward, a loser, not a man for asking her for money (even though she earns 100k plus a year and rent was only $1800 a month, Power, food, etc - maybe $3,500 a month).
She changed completely. I did not recognize her anymore. I would be cursed out, humiliated, disrespected. Every day all day she’d bad mouth me and my family members.
She then would just disappear. Go stay at her mother’s for weeks. We went from being intimate 2x per day to 5 times an entire year.
She turned off her GPS. Wouldn’t tell me when she’s coming nor going.
Every sign of infidelity was present. She admitted to infidelity then said she was lying.
I lost it. I was desperate to restore the incredible love we had for 7 years.
I became clingy. I started apologizing to her for whatever she wanted. I totally lost my self respect.
Right at the time I was to launch the platform I built that cost close to a million and a year to develop - I found all types of evidence pointing towards infidelity. Changed passwords, hiding bank account records. Lies after lies about where she’s been and where she’s going. She was living the life of a single woman.
I felt like someone suddenly ripped my soul out of my body. We were so enmeshed - we were truly one when the good times were great. All of a sudden, some financial difficulties come and it’s as if I’ve NEVER done anything for her.
The child support she received from her ex husband went into an account for the daughter and was never used for household bills. $70,000 in that account alone. Her 401k has $250,000. Her personal bank accounts have more than $125k in them. Her fancy new SUV - I paid cash for it. Her 3 carat ring (lots of dough). Each trip we took was at least 5k and I’d take her and the kids on two per year. She saved all her cash.
When it was time to honor her agreement and assist financially with just a few thousand dollars per month when she has access to 200k in cash - she told me I wasn’t a man, a loser.
She was working at the time part time. 2 days per week. I was working 36 hour shifts regularly. She’d go out with her friends and who knows where as she pleases. I trusted her until I found out she was lying about her whereabouts and she went from the perfect loving wife to nonstop negative nagging, insulting, raging, cursing, intense rebellion.
She abandoned me at the lowest point in my life and literally left me homeless by tricking me into looking at. New apartment we can move into together - I canceled our lease and we had 2 weeks left - thereafter she told me she signed the lease to an apartment by herself and I’m not welcome.
At this point, I’m in deep depression. The push pull she does with me daily is driving me crazy. The gaslighting and lies - I don’t know how to handle any of it.
I gave away almost everything in my home, furniture, kitchenware, living room sets - stuff that’s worth 200k+ - I kept my clothes and sporting goods and computers and fled to my sisters home 5 hours away.
I knew I had to run away or else the push pull would never stop.
I filed divorce. I told her I’m going to start seeing other women.
4 months pass since I’ve last seen her. She finds out there’s another woman in my life I’m talking seriously to and have met their parents.
She intercepts by sending the brother a bunch of non truth statements that I’m this horrible guy - a day before I’m supposed to come back into town to see the new woman again for the second time with her family.
The new woman falls for the trap. She calls me as I’m on my way to town to see her and also meet my children by myself and tells me we need to stop the relationship for now. I feel dumped. Had no clue what’s going on in the background.
I end up back in town, thinking I got dumped, haven’t been intimate with anyone for 4 months, my soon tone ex-wife invites me to her place to see my daughter. She pays for my loaner car. I get there and within 5 minutes of walking in, she’s seducing me and I can’t resist. In my mind, oh well - the other gal dumped me - why not have some fun.
Then I find out my wife set everything up to make new gal go away so she could intercept me.
Relationship with new gal is pretty much shot at this point. Recovering from her taking the bait instead of telling me and me sleeping with my soon to be ex-wife - that’s not a good way to start something.
Somehow, a weekend trip turns into 5 months of me staying with my wife. At first, she’s amazing again. Super nice and no raging. Then the raging spurs up but this time - I handle things way differently. I disengage. I set clear boundaries. I leave.
She started taking DBT - once a week - she goes to about half. I’m seeing progress.
We dropped the lawsuit.
She got pregnant. She had a miscarriage 4 weeks later (second one - year and a half earlier, miscarried too) I don’t know for sure if it’s a miscarriage or abortion. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Things are getting better, slowly - she admits fault now - she apologizes. She tries. But the chaos is still there.
I’m barely functional.
I’m obsessed with where she’s going and coming. She tells me now. Gives me piece of mind - but the past is unresolved. Did something happen? The mountain of data points to it. Will it happen again?
I’m back to a more financially secure position. Is this just about money? Will she abandon me again when things get tough
Will she cheat on me too? Turns out she did on husband one with 2, now 3 with 2. Overlapping relationships in 3 marriages?
I don’t want to see people. I’m a hermit. I’m consumed with what to do. I have a daughter, step daughter, son.
There’s so much damage. I acted foolishly and let out a bunch of counterclaims to her smear campaign when I wish I kept my mouth shut.
I love her so much because she has such amazing qualities. Great work ethic, hygiene is great, very responsible with kids (although the way she talks to them is emotionally disturbing many times). She’s fun to be with when she’s happy. Cooks great food.
But the drama - it saps the energy out of me. I’m just waiting to die. I have lost my ambition. My positivity is still there - but realistically- I know there’s more explosions coming - issues that will suck up entire days.
I’m at home now working less but able to give her attention and monitor her better. I don’t want to do that. I need to trust her that as I leave for business meetings and can’t monitor her all day - that she won’t jump into some new fling, or cause chaos that affects my business.
I don’t think she has control over it.
I’ve lost myself.
I’m committed - but is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
I don’t expect the idealization stage to return. I just want trust, respect, peace, harmony and positivity and I’ll be happy.
What do I do?
What have you done?
I’ve grown a lot. I don’t argue, I disengage. Don’t triangulate with family members. Don’t care who’s right and wrong, don’t back bite and
PLEASE READ down any negative conversations. But it’s soo hard.
I love her soo much. I just want us to get along in peace.
She’s now saying she wants to stop DBT - that’s a deal breaker for me - I saw the positive outcomes.
I can’t stand the thought of abandoning my daughter or even my wife - but at the same time - it terrifies me to go back to being myself, growing businesses - not giving her 100% attention and she finds some other guy to fill that role.
Do I grow my life? Or do I sacrifice it to be there to take care of my wife and child?
I’ve failed at the first marriage. I don’t want to fail this one, and lose my daughter to Bordeline like her mother is and her grandmother is.
