My sister is destroying our family. Help

[SadToo]

I have a sister who has BPD, untreated. She is also an active alcoholic, who is addicted to pain medication. She’s a complete train wreck.
She has completely rewritten our family history. She has made outrageous claims of abuse, which are completely untrue. She has been making allegations of childhood rape, by a neighbor, which also never happened. She has attacked (viciously) every member of our family because they didn’t “protect her” and because we “don’t believe her”.
This has been going on for over 20 years. And frankly, we are all exhausted. Sometimes, it feels like it may be better to just agree with her and say “yes, we agree, this happened and we’re sorry.” However, several of these allegations involve other family members, including myself. And we fear some sort of legal liability.
Our parents are in their 80’s at this point, and as you can imagine, this has been heartbreaking for them. They are also not in the best health any longer. And they are beginning to slip mentally. So when my sister continues to pound her delusions about her version of life events, it brings on confusion to both my parents and causes them to question reality.
My solution has been to remove myself from any contact from my sister. I have had absolutely no contact with her for almost 20 years because of her unpredictable behavior. But because she is causing my parents to question their own reality, I feel I’m back to defending my own place in our family.
Any help or suggestions would be most appreciated.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome SadToo, 

This is such a difficult and sad situation, and with aging parents, it just adds to the immense sadness, fear, and anger that you may be feeling. Often when someone has BPD or symptoms of BPD, we are faced with the reality of recognizing that they don't have a clear grasp of reality. How frustrating that is! I expect that they are 'normal' and experience life as I do, but they do not.

One of the skills that I am still working on is Learning How to Validate. This might be helpful or at least educational for you in helping you as you communicate, not only with your sister, but also with your parents and those around you. Growing up near a pwBPD doesn't help us learn how to walk through the rough waters that they stir up.

What types of things have you discovered to help you in walking this road in addition to finding our site? I'm so glad you joined us!

 
Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi SadToo

It's very difficult dealing with what you believe are false accusations. There is a lot going on with your sisters, (untreated) BPD, alcoholism and addiction to pain medication. How long has she been an alcoholic and addicted to the pain medication?

Her BPD is untreated, but has she ever had any kind of professional help in her life for any of her issues?

She has been making allegations of childhood rape, by a neighbor, which also never happened.

This is quite a serious allegation indeed. To whom did she make these allegations? Did she inform the police, and if she did, were the allegations ever investigated by them?

But because she is causing my parents to question their own reality, I feel I’m back to defending my own place in our family.

I understand your concerns for your aging parents and how your sister's behavior is affecting them. It's not pleasant at all realizing the toll this is taking on them. Where does your sister currently live? Does she often have contact with your parents?

The Board Parrot

[SadToo]

Hello, thank you both for the replies and the warm welcomes.

I know I’m not very sympathetic. But I have been the target of the majority of her rage, so sympathy is difficult.

How long has she been an alcoholic and addicted to the pain medication?

Her BPD is untreated, but has she ever had any kind of professional help in her life for any of her issues?

The drinking has been an issue for probably the last 20-25 years. The meds over the last 10-15 years. Yes, she has gone for therapy, at the insistence of her husband. But she only goes for one or two sessions then quits. She makes statements that the therapists are “idiots”. She knows more than they do, she can do better helping herself, etc.

She lives with her husband. He is abused too. He’s not allowed to speak to anyone in our family. She has accused me of sleeping with him. (ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE) And accuses anyone else who talks to him of trying to “conspire against her”.

My sister is a highly educated woman. She has had high level positions with good companies. But they don’t last much longer than a year.

This is quite a serious allegation indeed. To whom did she make these allegations? Did she inform the police, and if she did, were the allegations ever investigated by them?

Yes. I agree. These are EXTREMELY serious allegations. She first brought this up to our parents when she was about 40 years old. Her claim was that she was at this neighbors house babysitting his children when she was 12 years old. She also claims that I was there AND INVOLVED in the rape. She claims that I held her down while the neighbor raped her. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE.

No. The police were never called. There was never any investigation. None of this was ever brought up until some 30 years after it supposedly happened.

(Additional background info) I am 10 years older than my sister and also a female. When she was 12, I would have been 22. At that time, I lived in another state. And I had (at that time) NEVER EVEN BEEN AT THIS NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE!

My mother says that she DID babysit for this neighbor. For him & his wife. Mom & Dad always had a rule that we had to be at least 16 years old to babysit and have a drivers license.

And some years later, like after she graduated from high school,  this neighbor and his wife had divorced. I had moved back to the area. My sister was in college at this time. She was home visiting. My sister & I had gotten together for lunch. She told me at that time that she and this neighbor were DATING. I was a bit shocked by this news, but only because there was a huge age difference. Probably 15-17 years. She asked me not to tell our parents because she didn’t know where it was going. And this neighbor had business affiliations with our dad. This was long before any of these allegations, so I didn’t give it another thought.

It wasn’t until years later that all of these allegations came out. The neighbor had re-married. The lady he married is someone I knew prior to their marriage. And we have a common business. So we have shared our work and traded favors.

This is what triggered my sister to bring up these allegations. This is when she made the claims about this neighbor being a pedophile. She claims I am a pedophile and the neighbor’s new wife and I are working together to lure children for her husband through our common business. Ridiculous.

She mostly brings this up to our parents, several times a week. She wants them to cut off all contact with me. She demands that they “believe her”. And if they “really did believe her, they would do this.” She wants them to inform/warn the rest of our extended family that I am a pedophile, stop including me in family events, etc. But the most important thing is to make this announcement, publicly. If they don’t do this, it “proves” they don’t love her. And if they refuse, she threatens to commit suicide.

Something probably DID happen between her and this neighbor. But it’s not what she’s claiming. (The following is just a guess) She has become extremely religious over the last many years. So I wonder if she may have been involved with the neighbor when he and his first wife got their divorce? Adultery would be a big no-no. And her personality is such that she would never take responsibility. She would rewrite the history, making herself out to be the victim.

She has claimed that many, if not all of her former sexual contacts before marriage were rapes. But she’s not as consumed with these events as she is with this neighbor.

What I don’t understand is her seething hatred toward me. I have never been anything but kind to her. When she graduated from high school, I gave her my old car. Not a great car, but a good car. When she went to college, I gave her money to help pay for school and never asked to be repaid. I sent her airfare to come home for weekends and holidays. I bought her a living room set when she first graduated. I don’t get it!

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Im not a therapist, just a lay person.  I would at least consider suing her for defamation of character. Maybe call her and let her know if this doesn't stop, it's actively going on the table.
My family just watched a horrible event on the sidelines.  My 3 cousins (1 bro/2sis)...Our entire family knows my uncle would roll over in his grave, but here's what happened.  Uncle died first, then aunt got sick (to include mind issues such as dementia or similar?). Male cousin drives trucks cross country, female cousin has family and kids still at home.  Other sister is alcoholic and all kinds of dysfunction, imo. She hasn't had ANYTHING to do with our entire family since we were kids, all the rest did.  Anyway, after my aunt died, we all find out at the funeral that my cousin who drank and lived with/took care of my aunt had my aunt rewrite the will...literally left everything to her less a few small items to my other 2 cousins.  Somehow, this got held up in court, but literally everyone in our family knows it would not have been either parents wish, even my aunt, had she still been "all there."  None of us knew.  All of us did know that my cousin was turning her mom against her sister (brother not so much, but he was never really there anyway)...
So, take this messy situation seriously from even a legal standpoint, as it literally just happened in our family and it hurt us all. 
Karma's tough, tho.  One year ago this happened. My "bad behavior" cousin found out 3 weeks ago that her drinking has gotten her into trouble. A week after that, she passed away. 
That said...the brother and sister stopped talking to the other sister after finding out this dastardly thing had happened...and now she passes away, in a week, and no fences got mended (if they could)...and still, people all the way around are left hurting by this all.

[SadToo]

I would at least consider suing her for defamation of character. Maybe call her and let her know if this doesn't stop, it's actively going on the table.

I have thought about that, believe me. But it would only cause more grief for my parents. And they don’t need it.

I DO, however, worry that this allegation will get back to this neighbor. And he likely WOULD take legal action. This would also be a horrible situation.

Our family, extended included, are well aware of my sister’s problems. She hasn’t attended any family events for YEARS. She doesn’t come to Christmas, funerals, weddings, etc. And she doesn’t hesitate to tell people why. And she comes off looking completely insane.

I’m not aware of anyone actually believing any of her allegations about me. The stories have evolved and changed over the years. They are so outrageous, it’s difficult for anyone to believe her. It is very obvious she’s an addict. Yet, she makes claims that I am “selling OxyContin out of the back of my car in the parking lot of Walmart.” It’s like she takes a part of what’s going on with her, then makes up some ridiculous story involving me.

Outrageous.

If other family members challenge her information, or question the authenticity, she attacks them (verbally) accusing them of being in “cahoots” with me. This has included her former favorite aunt, her former favorite uncle, and several other family members who she once held in high regard. Then this person is also HATED. And she expects our parents to hate them too.

In the past when she has threatened to commit suicide, my mom & dad have gotten into their car and driven to her house (a 45 minute drive) and begged her not to do it. I told my mom not to do that again. I suggested to hang up the phone and dial 911 and report her. This way the authorities would be under obligation to commit her for 36 hours for observation. This might result in her getting the help she needs. Unfortunately, my mother informed my sister this was her intention, so my sister hasn’t made the threat again.

I don’t know if she’s pressuring our parents to cut me out of the will or not. It wouldn’t surprise me. But this seems to be more about getting people to “HATE” me. I don’t know if this is just full blown delusional thinking, jealousy, or what.

I could go on & on about wild accusations she’s made against me over the years. None of them are true, or even CLOSE to being true.

If I had done any of these things, I would accept responsibility and apologize. But they aren’t even CLOSE to being true. The one time I had a chance to speak to her husband, he was trying to convince me that our parents had “abused her”. I told him it NEVER HAPPENED. He went on to tell me how “honest” my sister is and how she would “never make up false allegations”. I said, “Well, what about her accusing us of having sex right under her nose? And how I tricked you into bed? Did that happen? Is that her being HONEST?” He just stared at me.

When I’ve tried to talk to her (years ago) she becomes completely irrational and hostile. She screams and yells at me, calls me horrible names, spits at me, swears at me, calls me an f’ing liar and threatens to call the police.

So it’s a hopeless situation.