What is real and what is not?

[bated]

The hardest thing for me when dealing with a pwBPD is knowing what is real and what is not.  For example I am dealing with my ex girlfriend telling me that she does not find me attractive and never found me attractive.  Is she lying or is this the truth?

Would be interested in how others deal with this?

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[SadtimesAZ]

This is where it gets into psychopathic traits with bpd. They will attack everything from your looks to intelligence family etc. The belittling is a self defense mechanism or a shame and blame. They are mad at themselves but have to take it out on you. It's not real. My ex talked so much crap but it is projecting all the things they hate about themselves onto you. When that starts you need to cut off communication immediately, unless you are seriously committed to keeping a relationship then you need a therapist who understands bpd immediately. It can literally drive you insane trying to understand why your partner will attack you so viciously then claim to love you 2 minutes later, it goes against every natural thought process. Trust me.

[expatblue]

  And what about the other side when they are idealizing us ?  should we disbelieve that also?  What Can we believe?

[SadtimesAZ]

I hate to say it but there is no real love. It's just affect emotion that changes in a millisecond. That brain is wired differently and no two are exactly the same yet they act the same way all over the world, it's truly mind boggling. That's why the book is called "I hate you don't leave me". I love you but you're going to abandon me so I hate you for doing it before it happens. The codependency is off the charts and depending on comorbid symptoms there could be a multitude of reasons for the behavior. I've kind of considered the thought of bpd women being like predators, they groom you until they get what they want then ditch you. And men are embarrassed to feel like you have been abused or used by a woman and they thrive on it.

[bated]

I think that there is love in pwBPD.  The hard part is knowing when they really mean something vs when they are letting their emotions get the better of them.  The reason I say this is I have seen my gfBPD open up every now and again.  It doesn't happen often but it does feel real when she does it.  She is clearly very vulnerable when she does this, and normally has an overreaction after it happens.

[itsmeSnap]

I think that there is love in pwBPD.  The hard part is knowing when they really mean something vs when they are letting their emotions get the better of them.

The love is/was real.

The hate is/was real.

It's what they feel at the time that colors their whole reality, and so past events are "rationalized" using current emotions: I never found you attractive, He's (a new partner after a breakup, a recycled ex, you) perfect and I will forever love him.

My bpdex tried to belittle me by telling me I was not attractive, that I wasn't man enough. I knew that wasn't true, so it never really got to me, but she kept looking. She found I don't like cheating/cheaters, so she often tried to get to me by talking about a flirty guy at work or something similar.

It can literally drive you insane trying to understand why your partner will attack you so viciously then claim to love you 2 minutes later

Not really. I think of it as overshooting: They can't stand you right now, they need distance, so they push too hard. Now they realize you're about to be gone, they fear being alone, so they try to win you back hard, "I love you so much".

I am dealing with my ex girlfriend telling me that she does not find me attractive and never found me attractive.

It's easier to read it as "she doesn't find me attractive right now", she's not in the mood for romance, and rationalizes she never was.

The reason I say this is I have seen my gfBPD open up every now and again.

What happens around the time she "usually" opens up? what do/did you talk about when it happened?

[bated]

What happens around the time she "usually" opens up? what do/did you talk about when it happened?

I honestly can't remember what happened around most times she has opened up.  The most recent time we went out and I think it was alcohol induced.  That is not always the case.  She does not drink regularly.

If she comes back I will keep an eye out on the events which lead her to open up to me.

[Catan]

I can so relate to this post as well and other comments made.

My partner (soon to be ex) is the master of projection.  He will say the most awful, belittling things to me - which make no sense, or are based on no evidence.  I've learnt just to ignore, as I almost always find its actually himself projecting on to me.  Its a really strange concept, but it makes absolute sense in the situation I am.

Ive struggled with knowing what is real or not.  I think every relationship is different, so there will be no one answer here.  My partner says he really loves me, but I have my doubts - I think it the fear of being alone, which drives him to attach himself to me...its less about love in the true sense of the word.