Friendship breaking down

[MariannaR]

I'm making a first post here... I've been reading for awhile.  I have a very close friend who is uBPD, or at least I have suspected for a long time.  I've had therapy which seems to confirm this.  It seems like it's time for me to get out.  I'm increasingly becoming depressed, questioning of myself "if I had just been more patient, not had this or that reaction, my needs are wrong or too much," questioning whether I'm even a good friend or person.  We have been friends for 5 years, and it's been a rocky road the whole time, and there have been situations where she's taken advantage of me in different ways.  But we always seem to make up, and she does apologize.  We had so much affection for each other, so much in common, and work we do together that it held us together.  And it seems at times that she really does need me.  But now, the communication difficulties seem insurmountable.  The fights seem quick and explosive.  She's demeaning and yells - rages at me.  But she says I do the same thing!  I try to examine what I'm doing to make her think that but get confused and can't think clearly.  My needs or hurt feelings seem to offend her.  I want to leave the friendship so I can start to heal, but I know she cares about me and it feels selfish and irresponsible to just leave...  I don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry that you're in such a tough situation, but am glad you've found us.  The self-doubt and confusion you feel is totally normal for someone close to a person with BPD. 

There's an alternative to staying or leaving.  That alternative is to work here to learn coping tools for relationships with pwBPD.  That's not to say that we need to take on the responsibility for making everything work, but we need to figure out how not to make things worse and how to protect ourselves, keep conflict down, and keep ourselves strong and happy.

Can you tell us a bit about the rest of your support system?  Do you have other relationships in your life that give you strong support, or is this friend an outsized part of your "relationship pie?"

Can you tell us about the most common source of conflict or pain in this friendship?

RC

[MariannaR]

Thanks for the response! Unfortunately yes, this friendship seems to have a big part of the pie in my relationships.  It grew that way due to her need, and I enjoyed feeling needed in that way, but she required a lot - much attention, texts, calls.  Some of these seemed very inconvenient to me, but I liked our friendship so much, and I just liked giving that to her.  But then over time, she'd suddenly be distant and seems to find a different friend, leaving me confused and even jealous.  I keep trying to adjust myself to what will make her happy and bring us back to the "good times" but as I've been reading about BPD, this seems typical.  I've been trying to pour into my other friendships - and I do have them but with less intensity - but as soon as she is "back" and needs me, I automatically make her a priority.  I'm at a point where most of the time I'm angry or discouraged.  Our friendship will never be what I hoped it would be.  We completely lack trust.  If I don't text/call her enough she gets angry, and if I need something or want to try to review and discuss our issues, she's hugely defensive and can't deal with my "accusations."  One minute I'm "ignoring" her, and the next minute I'm "in her hair" all the time.  I can see how she feels these things, but I'm really at a loss.  I'm constantly catching up with where she is.  I'm drained emotionally.  Nothing I do works for very long.  I do need to learn more coping skills!

[Radcliff]

A healthy relationship has a balance between the needs of each person.  When a caretaker is paired with a pwBPD, this can be hard to achieve.

There are a lot of coping tools, but a good one to start with is validation.  Validation is a coping skill that can help support the pwBPD and reduce hurt feelings and conflict. To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.  Does that look like something that could help you?

Another issue is boundaries.  Are there times when you feel like you're going too far, giving too much?

RC

[MariannaR]

Thanks for your response!  Over the course of our friendship, I have let her violate so many boundaries, it's countless!  Things I hugely regret and things that  have hurt me.  She's a really hard person for me to say "no" to - because I have a belief that I "need" her emotionally. When I try to say no, she pushes, then withdraws or punishes me and I can't stand it so I give in.  My T said this is her pattern - to draw me in, then boom - test the boundary.  And that if I let her violate a boundary she she knows I have, she might feel more cared for and more loved.  I do see this now, and how I enable this dysfunction.  I am getting a little better, but I think it's making her become more distant.

And the validation - yes I haven't done the best job of it all the time.  Thanks for sending the page about it. I am successful validating her when she calls complaining about other friends, work, etc, and even me.  But when I'm in a weak phase (she's pushing/pulling, I don't know where I stand, we are fighting, etc.), I don't do a great job.  I've been successful removing myself at times during bad fights, and at other times I just feel like I get mad, or go crazy and cry from frustration and sadness, and then she starts yelling about how she doesn't feel cared for, that she's "emotionally exhausted," that she doesn't have any "freedom" or "trust" with me.  5 years in and I still think that the "reality" is the sweetness, validation, closeness, and encouragement we share, and that the rest of this is just something in between.  I need to accept the pattern and that this - constant change, eggshells, push, pull - is the reality.

[Radcliff]

That's a great insight, that the pattern is the reality.  It includes good times and bad times.  You are also starting to see that you can have a huge influence on things by how you behave.  But you're also seeing that it's not easy!  Be patient and forgiving with yourself.  Getting good at this instantly would be kind of like reading a description of how to do a gymnastics tumbling pass and then going out and doing it the next week.  Celebrate even your small successes at boundaries or managing your emotional distress.  It can help to have the support of folks here on the board as you start to work on boundaries and experience the successes and setbacks of that.  What are one or two boundaries you'd like to try to implement with her first?

RC

[MariannaR]

Really distressed emotionally today.  I reached out last night after not hearing from her for a while (normally she seems to need contact all the time but she's in a distant phase) and what I said - I "missed her texting me all the time" - set her off.  I recognize that those are invalidating words to her, putting the blame on her.  She said she felt attacked and criticized by that and I should have used different words.  I was so discouraged and it delved into a bad fight, nearly a "breakup" (we are just best friends, but very emotionally close)  I did a horrible job of validating her because I was missing her and had been so empty.  And then just to get scolded...it felt bad.

So, I need to manage my emotional distress.  I called a friend, who was encouraging, and I'm trying to focus on work.  There's not much else to do.  I need to figure out how to feel better about myself and not like a complete failure to manage this.

Boundaries - I will think on this more, but for now I need to remove myself from these horrible fights/conversations sooner. 

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry you're feeling down.  It must have been so upsetting to reach out with good feelings, and then to have things be misinterpreted and end up with hurtful conflict.  It's good to recognize how what you said might have felt to her, but don't forget to acknowledge that you're dealing with a very challenging person who's behaviors can be tough on you (in other words, don't be too critical of yourself, and acknowledge how hard you're working to maintain the relationship).  You said you wanted to learn how to exit from bad situations sooner.  When you're ready, perhaps tell us a bit about how things went sideways, who said what, etc.  Were you texting, talking on the phone, or in person?

RC