co-parenting with Mr. Irresponsible

[LoneRanger307]

I've been listening to I Love You But I Don't Trust You and the chapter on having a chronically irresponsible partner ("Mr. Irresponsible") fits to a T. Today I am feeling disappointed about my BPDh missing about almost half of the scheduled swim lessons we agreed to for our kid (2.5yrs). I am now feeling pressured to try to make up two classes in the next week vs. leave it to him to make it (and accept that they might not get done). The classes are fairly expensive and our kiddo really likes them.

I struggle with codependency, so I'm trying to view this through that lens. It's unproductive to get mired in resentment. I'm disappointed that he's let our kid down on this responsibility. He believes himself to be a good parent, wants to be a good parent, but tends to go with the path of least resistance more often than not--i.e. let's just sit home, watch cartoons, eat junk food. I feel like I'm often the one taking her out places more often, turning off the TV, pushing her to eat healthy foods, etc. He's good about the basics--keeping her clean, fed, helping with the established daily tasks.. He's a positive caring parent. But this sort of thing where he says he can take on a specific task that happens at a specific day and time--he has a hard time with keeping up with these tasks.

I know I'm catastrophizing when I think about a future when he constantly lets her down by getting her to activities late or missing them all together. Constantly promising to do things he doesn't follow through on. Or the opposite, a future where I'm the only one who ever schedules and takes her to activities.  But I do need to figure out a way to rationally plan for him to be irresponsible about things. Every week there's a reason--and I understand missing things because she is sick--but several times its just been because he was tired or disorganized.

Has anyone else worked through a problem like this? Sometimes I'm able to accept the role of acting like a single parent, but we're trying to improve our relationship and looking toward living together again.

[SadtimesAZ]

Parenting style is generational. I tried to explain how my ex wife does that to our son constantly, making promises that don't get kept. Everyone says "oh well" and it's extremely frustrating. I started doing all the things she said she was going to do but never did then I get called Disneyland dad.

[Panda39]

My partner had issues around this with his uBPDxw. She had the same type of unreliable behavior as your husband. My partner began to use a parallel parenting model.  He did what he did with the kids at his house and let the wife do what she was going to do at her house.   This sadly did make the kids miss out on somethings (but not all).  My partner had majority custody weekdays M-F and one weekend a month.  So his daughters were able to participate in extra curricular activities around school.  But weekly weekend activities didn't work because mom was unreliable.   

One time mom wanted to sign their younger daughter up to dance lessons...the implication being that my partner pay for it and get their daughter there.  So it was the ex's bright idea but she wanted him to implement it.  He put this one back on mom...he gave his permission for the dance class but she had to pay for it and get her there.  Daughter went to 1 class and that was the end of it. Daughter never complained about not going.

I know your situation is different because you are not divorced but if it were me I would just do things with your daughter that you don't have to rely on your husband for.  Because for me it would be about doing what is best for my daughter, giving her those experiences and showing up consistently for her since her dad can't.  You can only control you and what you do not what your husband does or does not do.

Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

I have a husband without a personality disorder.  He does this to a certain extent, too. He is quick to agree to help when I ask for it...but I can't always rely on him to follow through.  It's incredibly frustrating for me because I carry 98% of the emotional labor in our marriage. I don't want to let the kids down and I don't want to create a life that excludes him.

My solution was to find a therapist for me.

My husband works in a job that requires him to fix problems all day.  There's no long-term planning or projects, so, IMO, that part of his brain has atrophied. ;)

My T suggest I give my husband a day that is his.  One night a week, he's in charge of dinner and homework/bedtime.  He gets to do it his way and I don't get to complain.  If he orders pizza, fine.  Because he's in charge, and he gets to do things his way and not mine.

We are starting that next week.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, it's not uncommon with intact families to have one pulling more weight on parenting and the other just going along. It takes conscious effort for both parents to remain involved. No matter how much one partner tries to keep the other one involved, you can't force someone to do that.

In the end, I think you have to focus on your own parenting and let things fall as they may. Certainly you should communicate and offer opportunities, but you aren't responsible his lack of effort.

Sadly, he may even blame you in the end for the distance he feels from a kid that he didn't invest in.

[LoneRanger307]

Thanks for the feedback. So I think for now if I want her to have extra activities I need to plan that on my own time. We already have a split up schedule where one of us has her and the other has an evening off. He does ok on his days, its adding any new activities that has been a problem. He has a lot of problems with planning and organizing and I just need to accept that for a fact right now. I need to think of it maybe less as "he's irresponsible" as "he cannot adjust to schedule changes."

[MeandThee29]

He does ok on his days, its adding any new activities that has been a problem. He has a lot of problems with planning and organizing and I just need to accept that for a fact right now. I need to think of it maybe less as "he's irresponsible" as "he cannot adjust to schedule changes."

The rosy picture of both parents being very involved just doesn't happen sometimes. And often the kids turn out just fine. Even if one partner is disordered, the kids will be fine if the other parent is engaged in a healthy way.