Let's talk about sex...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Have you tried to talk with her about how this makes you feel?  If you have, how did it go?

Yes RC, we have talked about it for years and even with our T.  She says she just can't do it, even hand holding, because it hurts her too much.  She claims that in every romantic relationship she's ever had, she's never been able to "get back to" the "in love" feelings she had the first few months.  Our T tried explaining that those early feelings aren't love, they are more infatuation and that deep love grows over time.  She claims I have hurt her too much with things I've said to ever be able to get "back there".  She has outright told me that she will never be able to give me what I need when it comes to intimacy and romance.  But she did in the beginning...oh did she ever!  Mind you this is the girl that's cheated on me several times and I have never once even looked at another THAT WAY, but yet she can't get back there?  My T has emphasized to me several times that it's definitely NOT ME.  It's just so hard to not be desired by someone I love so much.  It's sad.

SH4

[Stillhopeful4]

Have you tried to talk with her about how this makes you feel?  If you have, how did it go?

Yes RC, we have talked about it for years and even with our T.  She says she just can't do it, even hand holding, because it hurts her too much.  She claims that in every romantic relationship she's ever had, she's never been able to "get back to" the "in love" feelings she had the first few months.  Our T tried explaining that those early feelings aren't love, they are more infatuation and that deep love grows over time.  She claims I have hurt her too much with things I've said to ever be able to get "back there".  She has outright told me that she will never be able to give me what I need when it comes to intimacy and romance.  But she did in the beginning...oh did she ever!  Mind you this is the girl that's cheated on me several times and I have never once even looked at another THAT WAY, but yet she can't get back there?  My T has emphasized to me several times that it's definitely NOT ME.  It's just so hard to not be desired by someone I love so much.  It's sad.

SH4

[Radcliff]

It is incredibly hard.  It sounds hard for both of you.

With a big gap in meeting our relationship needs like this, the two things that seem to work are reaching a place of genuine acceptance, or moving on.  What doesn't seem to work is burying our needs and feeling the pain again and again.  Finding "genuine acceptance" is a pretty tough goal, and "moving on" is gut wrenching.  The alternative, doing nothing, is less scary in the short term, so many of us keep doing it for years or decades, but it eats at us.

I'm really sorry you're in such a painful situation.  There are no easy answers here.

Are there areas where the relationship meets your needs?  Can you describe some moments when you feel filled with love for her?

RC

[Stillhopeful4]

Are there areas where the relationship meets your needs?  Can you describe some moments when you feel filled with love for her?

She can be very caring.  She will help me do things around the house.  She's amazing at organizing (and I'm not so much).  She likes to go for walks as do I.  For the most part she's helpful with the kids. She's great at planning things. But those aren't moments.  In 10 years she bought me flowers once because her friend told her to.  That was 8 years ago.  She said she hates flowers because "they just die."  She knows I love them, but because she holds this "value" on flowers, she can't bring herself to waste money on them for me.  Needless to say, that moment 8 years ago I felt filled with love!  I would also feel filled with love when she would randomly text me during the day just with a cute pic or to say hi.  But with her, it's hard to feel love, she rarely smiles and she doesn't talk to me much, especially since our falling out 3 months ago.

SH4

[Bittlecat]

Hey SH4,
Was just reading your post, and all those that replied. Wow!
At first she couldn't get enough!
Then went through phases of 'don't touch' then complain later of why I wasn't intimate'?
Went 4 months of ' don't touch'.
Now think I was suckered in by intimacy, only for her to use a control issue later.
Best of luck!
-BC

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you've still got some of what John Gottman calls "fondness and admiration" going for her.  That's important to a relationship.

If things never improved on the intimacy front, is that something you could come to accept?  Could you be OK with it in 10 more years?  (There's no right answer here; it's OK whatever answer you give, or if you're not sure).

RC

[Stillhopeful4]

It sounds like you've still got some of what John Gottman calls "fondness and admiration" going for her.  That's important to a relationship.

If things never improved on the intimacy front, is that something you could come to accept?  Could you be OK with it in 10 more years?  (There's no right answer here; it's OK whatever answer you give, or if you're not sure).

RC

Yes, I was ok with it.  It's not something we ever fought about.  It would just be nice if she could figure out why she couldn't give that piece of herself to me anymore.  It's not that I needed it.  I was happy with her companionship.

SH4

[Radcliff]

Got it.  It sounds like you're in touch with your feelings and what you can live with, which is good.

I've got two minds on this one.  On the one hand, it's important for us to understand what we can't change and accept it.  On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of our needs consistently not being met, and part of me says to never give up.  If we don't try, nothing will change.  Perhaps there's a good balance between those two principles.

RC

[Stillhopeful4]

I've got two minds on this one.  On the one hand, it's important for us to understand what we can't change and accept it.  On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of our needs consistently not being met, and part of me says to never give up.  If we don't try, nothing will change.  Perhaps there's a good balance between those two principles.

RC I agree with this completely!

[Harri]

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Thank you.