Need help dealing with husband

[Nbpw34]

I have been married to my husband for 34 years and over the past year realized I was dealing with mental health issues. I started researching and found he has 5 out of the 9 traits in the DSMV manual. I’ve gone through the stages of grief with this realization, but starting to really absorb the fact that I can not change him and I have to learn how to set limits and quit being a sponge. This relationship has affected my mental health and I have been dealing with depression. I set my first limit with him this morning when I woke up with an abcrssed tooth and went to him for comfort and support and he yelled at me, asking me what was he supposed to do, I should know how to take care of myself -etc.  I told him I just wanted comfort and support and he couldn’t treat me kindly I would not speak to him until he could be kind.  I know it wasn’t a perfect limit but it’s a start. We are not speaking now. I could use all the help and recommendations on asserting my needs and setting limits. I am contemplating leaving the relationship but he is not working and he could not survive I don’t think, and guilt and obligation keep me here, besides financial issues. Thanks in advance for any input!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi Nbpw34:
Welcome!

I told him I just wanted comfort and support and he couldn’t treat me kindly I would not speak to him until he could be kind.  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) I know it wasn’t a perfect limit but it’s a start. We are not speaking now.

Everyone came here to learn how to interact better with a disordered partner.  They generally learn that they have to change some of their own actions and improve their strategy to make thing better for themselves.  We all can learn about better communication and become more emotionally intelligent.

"The Silent Treatment" is something most often practiced by the disordered individual in the relationship.  It's not a productive tactic.  

Unfortunately, if your husband hasn't been someone to offer comfort and compassion, he isn't likely to suddenly become a warm and fuzzy person.  If you don't want him to use "The Silent Treatment" on you, don't use it on him.

A better approach would be to use an "I" statement, and then proceed with giving yourself some TLC for the day and letting him know you are out of service for the day.  Maybe call a friend or relative for some compassion.
"I'"STATEMENTS:
"I" Statement can be a tool for you to use. Avoid using "You" Statements and focus on either "I" Statements or "We" Statements The 19-minute video at the link below, is a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason for your feelings (what happened)
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
(identify)__________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

I feel __________when __________Because_____I would like __________ .

Sample:  I feel Angry when I want comfort & support and don't get it, because a little TLC makes me feel better.  I would like to get a hug or have you snuggle with me for awhile.

[Nbpw34]

I have been with my husband with BPD traits for 34 years. I have recently been reading “stop caretaking the borderline narcissist.” I became so depressed that I have endured this relationship for so long. How could I have let this go on for so long?  I have come to the realization finally that he is never going to change, and so I must. I know that the first step is to set Boundaries, then  to let go and rebuild. I guess I am looking for some words of encouragement and support on this journey. It’s hard for me to stay positive because for years I have tried and failed. I’ve left him and come back over and over again. I have assumed almost all of the responsibilities (I am the only one working, shopping, paying bills, etc). He has become so ill he barely leaves the house. Please pray for me and any words of encouragement are appreciated. I don’t want to reach the end of my life never having lived it.