Does she choose to behave this way.

[1315]

I'm new to this, not in experience but in knowledge. I am in the middle of a hurried divorce, pushed by my undiagnosed BPDw. This online resource has brought me some comfort as I knew nothing about BPD prior to a few weeks ago. I am profoundly heartbroken over the end of my relationship as I still totally love my wife. She dropped the divorce on me out of nowhere. I am devastated. I guess my question is, do they have a choice or are they destined to behave this way. Because I was unaware of BPD, my wife is unaware too as far as I know. If she doesn't know she may be suffering from this insidious disorder, is she choosing to drive away the people in her life? I know she is an adult and is successful in her job. From outsiders she is a dynamic, awesome person. But when you get to see behind the curtain, it is totally different. Part of me wonders if I should just say something to her. She already hates me and is divorcing me. But, if she is unaware of what I believe is behind much of her suffering, should I tell her. I have been telling myself it would absolutely not make a difference and it would blow up in my face. I'm just so confused by all this and I feel forever heartbroken. I cannot find solace from this situation. Even with the uncertainty and sometimes horror of BPD, I love and miss my wife terribly.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, 1315. That sounds so painful.

Tell her or no? Generally, we advise people "No." Even if it's well-meant and delivered in the best way possible, it rarely — if ever — goes over well. As you suspect, the chances are better that it would blow up in your face. Given the current state of your relationship and the fact that she has most likely painted you black (for now, at least), it's unlikely she'd take the news well at all.

What are you doing for yourself during all of this? Are you practicing self-care? Doing things you enjoy? Seeing a therapist?

[1315]

I am trying to see a therapist. I saw one several weeks ago but that did not work out mostly due to expense. I am in the process of getting one via my insurance but that is taking quite a long time. She has definitely put me in the black column. I have mostly ignored my own needs for many years in lieu of maintaining peace. I have also allowed other relationships to take a back seat to ours because my wife's happiness was my number one priority. As far as doing things that I enjoy, they all remind me of her. I have been so depressed and sad for going on 8 weeks. It occupies all my thoughts. I can't concentrate on my work. I'm just tortured. I feel totally hopeless. I must find a way to dig myself out of this pit but so far I have not been successful.

[once removed]

I have also allowed other relationships to take a back seat to ours
...
I have been so depressed and sad for going on 8 weeks.

reach out to them.

you may find that some of them are distant, and the connection may have died. it happens, unfortunately. i think you will find many of them just happy to reconnect with you, to know how you are doing, and to support you.

you need to build a strong support system in this time. it will go a long way.