Well... I'm no longer in the dark/limbo with my BPD SO wife (gone 5 months now)

[gadget]

She came over at 2:45pm today and helped me bathe our special needs son.  Then we talked.  She has never told me why she left other than she was unhappy for the last year and the Therapist said Compassion Fatigue.  I wrote down some of the things she said to me during that conversation.

She'd been trying to tell me for the last 1 year she wasn't happy.  She felt I wasn't listening.  I did try
We are now like business partners
we have grown apart
We are different people
We can stay separated, not legal, divorced.  Whatever I want.  She will keep me on her insurance
Would never force me to sell the house so we could split assets
Doesn't want to come back
Avoids Facebook, texting me, avoids almost everything.  She knows she avoids, is working on it
Wants me happy, She wants to be happy
It will be ok.  Just a new reality.  We can still be civil.
I told her how in the dark she has kept me.  She knows and is sorry for that
It wasn't me (Gadget) at all
Doesn't respond to my texts like Anniversary/Chicago trip.  Doesn't want to get my hopes up.
She will always be here for me

So... I have my answers now.  I'm no longer in the dark.  It's so hard to hear that she just doesn't want to be married anymore after 30 years of marriage.  She doesn't want to come back.  I shed many tears today.

Gadget

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m so sorry, Gadget.  I know your heart is hurting.  I know you hoped...

Sometimes relationships change, end, become different.  It seems she still holds respect and love for you, which is good.  There’s no blame.  But still, I know this was not what you’d hoped to hear. 

I don’t know how your marriage was while you were together in the home.  But maybe in time this will be better for both of you and your son?  I don’t want to be presumptuous, so please excuse me if this comes across that way.

I am truly sorry for your pain.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[gadget]

Hi Gemsforeyes,

I’m so sorry, Gadget.  I know your heart is hurting.  I know you hoped...

Thank you for your kind words and support.  It does hurt.  I'm an eternal optimist.  I had hoped we still had a chance.  Wished we could have talked earlier.  Went to therapy together when this first started.

Sometimes relationships change, end, become different.  It seems she still holds respect and love for you, which is good.  There’s no blame.  But still, I know this was not what you’d hoped to hear. 

I know relationships change, and maybe we got a bit stale.  But life itself is hard.  Even more so when you have a special needs child.  I did so much to make her happy.  Even more than I did for myself.  I feel I have failed her in some way.  But never thought it would be enough for her to leave.  She does still love and respect me.  It's just hard to see her and know that is my wife, but not my wife.

I don’t know how your marriage was while you were together in the home.  But maybe in time this will be better for both of you and your son?  I don’t want to be presumptuous, so please excuse me if this comes across that way.

Our marriage was good as far as I could tell, until 1 year ago when her mother passed.  The she changed.  Was unhappy.  Didn't know who she was anymore.  Said for 30 years she was a wife, mother, cook, maid, but never herself.  We married when she was 19 and I was 20.  But even in that last year we had SO many good times.  Intimacy ramped up to unreal levels.  So confusing.  Not sure if this will be better for my son and I.  I don't want to be alone.  I want a companion.  I miss my companion.

Thanks for writing me.  It really does help. Your kindness heals my heart.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Gadget,

I'm so sorry.  I know this isn't what you wanted to hear.  ((Hugs) Our situation is very similar and I know that pain, although me and my W have only been together 1/3 of the time you guys have.  Who knows maybe it time she will change her mind and realize what she has in you.

I'm always here to listen if you ever need an ear.

 

SH4

[gadget]

Thank you SH4!

This for sure is news I didn't want.  Maybe she will realize in the future.  Now, I'm no longer waiting on that nor counting on that.  All my hope for us is gone.  I'm no longer in the dark...

I'm sure I will need an ear here and there.  I'm here for you too.  I'm sorry for your situation as well.

 

Gadget

[MidLifCrysis1]

There are a lot of us in this position, more or less.

Mine hasn't technically full-on ended/left, but we're right there.

26 years for us.

I completely mirror these statements - even though my SO isn't physically gone (yet):

• I don't want to be alone.  I want a companion.  I miss my companion.
• I did so much to make her happy.  Even more than I did for myself.  I feel I have failed her in some way (It is very likely that you did the best that you possibly could, but really had no chance at success. Black holes simply do not fill up. It is not your fault.) But never thought it would be enough for her to leave.
• She does still love and respect me.  It's just hard to see her and know that is my wife, but not my wife.

I'm shedding tears for you, me, and the rest of us - and them.

Please continue to share.

 - MLC

[gadget]

Thank you MLC for the kind words 

I will continue to post.  You all have helped me SO much and now are a very special part of my life.  You all have given me understanding into BPD where all the logic in the world I knew failed.  Still it is hard doing the most you can do and still losing to BPD.  I never had a chance, never had a say in it at all.

Thank you

Gadget

[MidLifCrysis1]

Still it is hard doing the most you can do and still losing to BPD.  I never had a chance, never had a say in it at all.

I am currently working to find the personal strength to swallow this particular pill myself - and not having much success thusfar, may I add.

There are many different aspects with this. Any one of them would be SO hard to handle/accept. But the truth of the matter is, they are all in play - and have been probably for far longer than we are aware.

It does make it seem like a hopeless endeavor, sometimes.

You have our  - a tiny bright spot in a sea of dark, but a bright spot nonetheless.

 - MLC

[gadget]

Thanks MLC!

I'll take all the  I can get.  You all are a bright spot in my life. You all get me, will listen, and can understand because many of you are going through the exact same thing.  I still will attend therapy too.  I think that helps a ton.

Wife just texted me "You ok?"  I answered "I'm ok.  Trying to heal", she said "I'm sorry".  I said "I know".  hard for me to understand (and I know it probably is mostly BPD) how after 30 years, 4 kids, and now a 7 month old grandson she can just walk away from it all, live with almost not enough money to get by, and be all alone.  She still does stop over 3x a week to help with my son.  I wish some logic could/would apply here.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Gadget,

Maybe give her a little more space.  Maybe now that she's said her peace and the "pressure" is off, maybe she can think more clearly...it might take sometime but she might miss it.  Maybe not, but maybe.  As you can tell by my "name" I always have hope and try to see the good in people.

((HUGS)

SH4

[gadget]

Thanks SH4! 

 

I am.  I really request nothing of her.  Just respond when she texts me.  I do have hope, though now it is less and not in my main thoughts anymore.

Gadget

[gadget]

Another update after a text exchange I just had with my wife.

Wife   You doing ok?
Gadget   I'm managing
Wife   Wow ok.  Sorry it wasn't the response I wanted.  I hope you do get better
Gadget   I want to be better.  Very hard when you left and I didn't get to fight to keep you
Wife   I'm very sorry it went down that way, but what's done is done.
                I don't want to fight with you I promise.  I won't ask again if it upsets you
Gadget   It doesn't upset me if you ask how I am.  And I know you don't want to fight.  Neither
           do I.  You can always ask.  I'm just being honest about how I'm feeling
Wife   Fair enough

How can she just turn off 30 years of being married to me just like that?  And it's not me she says.  Zero emotions.  It is what it is and all that crapola?

So hard.  So not fair.

Gadget