How to handle when he's in pre-rage mode

[Chosen]

When uBPDh gets irritable, start swearing a lot, gets offended by everything, and when everything I do is wrong, I know that he's in pre-rage mode and could easily get there if I'm not careful.

How do I handle?  Say, if he's swearing in every sentence, do I just ignore and answer his questions like it's all normal, or do I address it?  Because if I address it he may take it as I'm complaining about him (which may lead to rage). 

Say if every sentence in his texts to me include foul words, do I try to validate and write back "You seem to be angry.  Are you bothered by something?"  or just read between the lines and get on with life as though he isn't swearing.  Can anyone give me some advise on what worked for you in these situations?

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[Ozzie101]

I'm still working on this one myself so I don't have any tried-and-true methods. I usually do what you've done: just ignore the rage side of it and respond calmly. If I don't argue back or address his profanity or anger, he usually brings himself back to baseline. If I do get upset or complain about his behavior, he tends to get scared (that I'll leave him) and then it just ramps up.

That said, we don't want to let them become abusive or go too far. That's where boundaries come in. Where are our boundaries? And what do we do when they're crossed. Maybe it's a good idea to have those really set in our minds and, during calm times, work through how we'll handle it if the boundary is breached?

[MidLifCrysis1]

Hello Chosen.

I immediately identified with your request, because I, too, look for rules, strategies, and conditionals with which to guide my interactions with my uBPDw.

Unfortunately, what I have found is that the more you try to pin down some kind of algorithm for handling the situation that your BPD-radar senses is dangerously close and/or revving up, the more frustrated and perplexed you will end up.

I have tried and tried even directly addressed the differences with my wife on occasion when it was irrefutably clear, just to see what sense she could possibly provide that would bring understanding to me.
Example:
Me: So, you've told me that when you tell me that you feel lonely, I should get close and touch you, right?
Wife: Yes.
Me: You got upset with me the last time you told me that you felt lonely and I did not get close and touch you, right?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Well, today you told me that you felt lonely and I tried to get close and touch you, and you backed away, said "Do NOT touch me. I don't need ANYthing from you." and walked out of the room. Was what I did somehow not right for you?
Wife: Yes, of course it was!
Me: Just so I can better understand, can you tell me why, exactly?
Wife: It was a completely different situation! I wish you would wake up and look outside your bubble! You never listen! *yell*insult*yell*insult*


Sadly, part of the problem is that they do not respond consistently to the same stimuli (at least as far as non-psychics can tell in the moment).

Others have used the simplest possible example:
"Good morning." 9 out of 10 times, that's perfectly fine. 1 out of 10 it results in accusations, suspicion, rage, etc.. The point is, if something so straightforward and identical to other instances can go completely off the rails so quickly without even our involvement (other than set-dressing), the only hope that we have is to minimize the responses when they come.

I have tried repeatedly to steer the experience off the path of destruction when I became aware of the destination and can count on one hand the number of times I have had success in avoiding the blow-up altogether (and have fingers left over).

All of that being said, the short answer, in my experience, to help minimize the impact is to attempt to look past the surface madness and identify whatever the underlying source of the upsetness (if there is a rational one), then validate and avoid JADEing as much and as heartfelt as possible.

And may the Force be with us all.

 - MLC

[MidLifCrysis1]

Small addition that relates to my prior comments...
This thread demonstrates the prevalence of the stuff I was trying to convey and some ways that people handle it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340783.msg13086338