Unpleasant birthday message from BPDm

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello folks,

I want to share what feels like a very good step for me though it came out of something painful. Recently, it was my birthday, an important one. Early in the morning, I checked my email as I generally do--there are often work related messages that I have to deal with so I like to be prepared. And the first thing I saw was an email from my BPDm who I have been NC with for almost two years. It started with "happy birthday" and then became an exhaustive description of her medical situation. It was one in an ongoing series of such emails, often framed with cruel statements about what a terrible child I was or how I'm a bad person for not maintaining contact with her like she did with her own abusive father. It goes without saying that it was a painful way to start my day and in past years, it would absolutely have consumed me, sending me into a panic attack that would have ruined me the entire day. I'm sure this kind of hurt was the intention of the email. In fact, I'd kind of been anticipating something like this from her as she has a long history of using my milestones as an excuse to tear me down and centre herself.

But instead of reading it word-for-word and internalizing the spike of shame and terror it was meant to create, I forwarded the email to my counsellor (as we had planned at an appointment the previous week) and put it out of my mind. I went to work and found that some of my coworkers had planned a little party for me--got me cupcakes, a card. And I saw with great clarity the disparity between the ways I'm valued in the world as someone who mentors and supports others, and the way my mother has always painted me as an ungrateful, irresponsible child. When I came home, my husband gave me a card and a gift and again I felt how loved and valued I am. It felt like decades of shame were lifting from my shoulders. Perhaps this love has always been there, but I hadn't been able to feel it before because I was carrying around that negative image of myself, that feeling that I had to throw parts of myself down the bottomless pit of her need to protect myself from the terrifying reality of her rage.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work, but I know today that going NC was the right thing. It has been so difficult but it has allowed me to heal in ways I never imagined possible, and I want to celebrate that. And I want share with all of you, particularly those of you who feel the same shame and fear I did about it.

Thank you

[etown]

Hello folks,

I want to share what feels like a very good step for me though it came out of something painful. Recently, it was my birthday, an important one. Early in the morning, I checked my email as I generally do--there are often work related messages that I have to deal with so I like to be prepared. And the first thing I saw was an email from my BPDm who I have been NC with for almost two years. It started with "happy birthday" and then became an exhaustive description of her medical situation. It was one in an ongoing series of such emails, often framed with cruel statements about what a terrible child I was or how I'm a bad person for not maintaining contact with her like she did with her own abusive father. It goes without saying that it was a painful way to start my day and in past years, it would absolutely have consumed me, sending me into a panic attack that would have ruined me the entire day. I'm sure this kind of hurt was the intention of the email. In fact, I'd kind of been anticipating something like this from her as she has a long history of using my milestones as an excuse to tear me down and centre herself.

But instead of reading it word-for-word and internalizing the spike of shame and terror it was meant to create, I forwarded the email to my counsellor (as we had planned at an appointment the previous week) and put it out of my mind. I went to work and found that some of my coworkers had planned a little party for me--got me cupcakes, a card. And I saw with great clarity the disparity between the ways I'm valued in the world as someone who mentors and supports others, and the way my mother has always painted me as an ungrateful, irresponsible child. When I came home, my husband gave me a card and a gift and again I felt how loved and valued I am. It felt like decades of shame were lifting from my shoulders. Perhaps this love has always been there, but I hadn't been able to feel it before because I was carrying around that negative image of myself, that feeling that I had to throw parts of myself down the bottomless pit of her need to protect myself from the terrifying reality of her rage.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work, but I know today that going NC was the right thing. It has been so difficult but it has allowed me to heal in ways I never imagined possible, and I want to celebrate that. And I want share with all of you, particularly those of you who feel the same shame and fear I did about it.

Thank you

[pursuingJoy]

etown reading this made my day. I'm so very thankful that you've discovered and embraced meaningful, validating, loving relationships to lift and fill you up! Thank you for sharing this here and giving us the opportunity to celebrate with you. It gives me hope and makes me want to look ahead to the next moment of light in my own life.

I hope you had a very happy birthday! 

pj

[Sandalwood]

Happy Birthday etown!
You are an inspiration. Congratulations on celebrating your milestone with a focus on all the love you have in your life, and on not letting the ball and chain drag you down.
You have helped me by sharing your triumph.
Thank you.
Enjoy your special day!

[zachira]

Happy Birthday! There is so much to celebrate! I admire your courage in going NC with your mother and how you handled her efforts to ruin your birthday. You are surrounded by good people and are in a place where many of us with a mother with BPD aspire to be. When you have time and not while your are enjoying your birthday, could you share how you got where you are today?

[starbxsam]

Happy Birthday etown!

What a huge milestone today! I admire your strength to push through and to not allow your mother to hurt you on your birthday. This is a huge step! This gives me hope that I can be in your position one day to not allow my BPDm do the same and get to me on holidays and birthdays. Thank you for sharing!

[etown]

Thank you for the birthday wishes folks. It feels both like a kind of metaphorical rebirth after the, in retrospect, quite extreme stress of anticipating exactly what kind of messed up thing my BPDm would do to get back at me for cutting off communication.

When you have time and not while your are enjoying your birthday, could you share how you got where you are today?

Zachira, I really appreciate this question. It's something I've been thinking a lot about. I don't want to present myself as someone who has gotten over anything. I'm sure there will be times in the future when things get complicated in my head again. But I think this equanimity is something that I've been practising for over the last five years. Before that, I spent a lot of time just running away, looking for other places to live (other cities, other continents) where she couldn't hurt me. It turns out there's nowhere far enough away.

It was about five years ago when I realized I really needed help and was lucky enough to find a counsellor who believed me and who charged on a sliding scale I could kind of afford. I'd tried therapy before but had cut it off when the therapist started arguing about the source of my mom's diagnosis. I understand the idea of having empathy for people with BPD. I know where her illness comes from. But I didn't need yet another medical professional taking my mom's side over me.

Anyway, with this new counsellor, it was so hard at first. I was so ashamed that I needed the help that I didn't tell anyone I was seeing the counsellor, not even my husband. I'd just sit on her couch and cry and cry and tell her I didn't know what I needed or who I was. Looking back I can see how lost I was and how the structures I'd built to survive my childhood were beginning to crumble around me. With her help and support I began to face the physical symptoms of all that trauma and stress--nausea, pain, sleeplessness, an eye tick, hair loss. There were times when I felt like I was tearing myself apart and I wasn't sure if rebuilding would be possible.

But somehow a mix of talking about it and small incremental changes in the way I interacted with people began to help. I began to see the ways I'd swallowed my own grip on reality in order to keep my mom and other people around me safe from what I considered to be my monstrous qualities. After a serious family crisis and some very abusive online behaviour, I realized had to remove my mom's ability to access me in public through social media. That triggered an old monster in her that I'd been working hard to avoid for a long long time. She began to pull out the old tricks she'd used to manipulate me into paying attention to her since I was little--medical emergencies, sending me weird gifts, trash talking me to family, insulting me etc. The more I ignored her, the worse it got. It hurt a lot, but it also felt like she was showing herself in a way that validated my knowledge of her abuse. This was the woman I'd grown up with, not the bubbly pretend person she would be when other people were around. Except now I'm an adult with my own life and I don't need her. She's no longer a danger to me.

Showing her correspondence to my counsellor helped a lot. She helped me to see that my mom's behaviour was wrong and to acknowledge that my reactions were valid. This board helped with that, too--seeing other people go through similar issues with their parents helped me to see I wasn't alone in this bizarre relationship. As I let go of the dream of a healthy relationship with my mom (and my dad, but that's another story), I felt myself opening up to other people in my life. I found myself trusting them and not feeling so betrayed by small actions. I found myself working less hard to please others. I could be clear about my boundaries and not worry about them blowing up at me. I could ask for what I need.

Oh dear, I'm going on and on here. I guess the point is, it's taken time and effort and support. I'm really lucky I've been able to do this work and I know I have work left to do, but I really appreciate folks are happy to celebrate this moment with me.

Thank you.

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing you story. Knowing how you have successfully gone NC with your mom and not letting it overwhelm you is so helpful to me and to others who have a mother with BPD. Your story really resonates with me though cleary everyone's story is unique in its own way. My mother with BPD passed away this summer and I was low contact with her. Like you, I went to many years of therapy; you still see your counselor and I would be if mine had not moved out of town. My therapist really emphasized not doing cut off, which means not running away from my painful feelings, and she was right. My work with her enabled me to learn to feel grounded in my feelings and not take on the emotions of my family members with BPD. You describe all the hard work you have done in therapy and continue to do so, which I think is so important for us to hear. You are courageous and continue to face a lot of painful feelings while working on building a solid foundation for yourself. Now you are mostly leading a happy life though well aware that your mother may try to contact you at some point and do something that will be upsetting. You now have the boundaries in place to not become too ovewhelmed by whatever your mother might do. I have so much respect for how you are able to stay grounded, especially since your mother still tries to contact you. Keep us posted on how you are doing and do educate us on how best to help others, as you are one of the role models for how to do NC with a BPD mother.

[mgirl]

it is so sad to see how much pain our BPD parents inflict on us... it can last a whole lifetime...

I have been in NC with my uBPD mother for about 3, 4 months now. I had to also cut contact with my brother and be in very LC with two of my aunts in the process, The society does not accept cutting ties with parents. the rest of the family will always side with the abuser. I have always been the scapegoat of the family and I have had enough of the abuse that I have experienced from my mother and my brother for the most part of my life.

It is just so sad that these people are so messed up that they will never realize how much they messed us up. Ever since I have found out about BPD (4 months ago), the veil has been lifted and I cut contact with my uBPD mother.  I have become a much better mother now. I am trying not to hurt my son and inflict any kind of pain on him. I hope he grows up to be a good man without a lot of psychological damage.

anyhow, I salute you for this post. Good for you! you deserve to be happy and live a life without pain and heal from all the abuse that your mother gave you. we all deserve the same.
My uBPD mother has done so much harm to me that even now that I am not in contact with her I still feel deep pain thinking about the past. I try to practice radical acceptance and that helps a bit. and thank god for a good therapist!

anyways, be happy!