Help with behavior of my mother

[Boymom528]

My mother has suffered from BPD for as long as I can remember (she doesn’t think anything is wrong but I was in therapy for her behavior for a while). I am currently married and have a family of my own and now I’m trying to learn how to protect my children from her behavior. We currently live in a different state than my mom and she is always reminding me how I left her and she is alone. However every visit we make, she finds a way to get mad at something, go upstairs and shut her bedroom door. She will then continue to ignore us the rest of the day or the rest of the visit. When I confront my mom on her behavior, she turns the blame on me. She will go through a period of shutting me out and not talking to me.

When this happens, I’m at a loss of what to do. Although she is in the wrong, I feel guilty. I don’t know if I should continue to be the one to reach out to her after these episodes because doing so seems to let her think she didn’t do anything wrong and I am just reaching out because I feel bad.

Do I let there be a long period of silence until she reaches out to me? How do I set clear boundaries that let her know she cannot treat me or my family this way but also maintain some sort of healthy relationship with her?

[GaGrl]

Welcome! We're glad you decided to post -- although the reason is stressful. There are a number of members on this board who have or are in the process of working through boundaries with a BPD parent. You will get help and suppory.

What is The current situation with your mom -- is she married? Live alone? Does she have other children?

How old are your children, and is your spouse supportive?

[Boymom528]

Thank you so much!

My mom is divorced and living alone. My older brother lives an hour and a half away and I moved six hours away a year and a half ago (my husband is in the Coast Guard).

My son is a year and a half and we have another one on the way, due in April. I know my son is too young to fully understand but when she has her behaviors, where she acts out, shuts the door and ignores us the entire day, he often will ask “where is Gigi?”

There are times she has ignored him after an episode, it seems she does this to “punish” me for either living far away, talking to relatives she doesn’t get a long with, etc.

My husband is 100% supportive which makes it helpful but neither of us know how to properly manage her episodes. She sees me reaching out as “being in the wrong” but I also feel an extreme amount of guilt going through so many seasons not talking to her.

Thank you in advance!

[pursuingJoy]

Boymom528, first of all, congrats on your second pregnancy! Here's to a stress-free delivery in April. I know your little one will be thrilled to be a big brother!  

Thank you for sharing your story. My perspective is a little different as I'm in your husband's shoes, my MIL has BPD. I'm also fairly new to BPD, so others here will set me straight if I'm way off, but my understanding is that BPD's use of silent treatment is driven by fear and a need for validation. Like any of us, pwBPD use tools that have worked before to elicit responses/meet needs. This particular tool happens to create major issues in relationships.

Do I let there be a long period of silence until she reaches out to me?

How long does she go without talking to you? My husband didn't call his mom for 5 days when we went on a vacation. He calls his mom every day, so this was a huge deal for him. I text my mom a few times a week, call her about once a month. Every person has a different setting. At what point do you start feeling the guilt set in?

How do I set clear boundaries that let her know she cannot treat me or my family this way but also maintain some sort of healthy relationship with her?

I know you already know this, but if she wants to offer the silent treatment, you really can't stop her. You do, of course, have control over how you respond and boundaries may shift the dynamics in your relationship. They define boundaries here as "the life skill of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values." Can you identify some of your personal values? (If you check out the "Tools" tab at the top of this site and click on the boundaries article, you'll find more guidance about this.)

I know you're busy with life and kids. My kids are teens now but I remember the baby years well. I'd love to hear from you when you find the time. It's important to us that we move at your pace, so don't hesitate to communicate where you are and how we can best help. 

pj

[zachira]

You want to learn how to protect your children from your BPD mother. You might want to look up some of Notwendy's posts as she often writes about how she has protected her children from their maternal grandmother with BPD.

[TelHill]

Welcome Boymom528!   

I don’t have kids but my elderly mom is diagnosed with bpd. Like you, I remember her having these problems from my first memories. 

My mom is extremely sensitive to perceived abandonment. She is still angry that I didn’t cry and cling to her when I started kindergarten many decades ago.  In my opinion, these kinds of behaviors are part of her disorder — she sees people’s behavior through a distorted lens.  It’s beyond right or wrong. 

Nonetheless, I would suggest you protect your little one and one on the way. I am positive you know not to leave them alone with her. You never know what odd thing she’ll say. My mom has said weird things to my adult niece, her granddaughter, all throughout her life.  I was left alone with her as a kid and it was very unpleasant. She was a SAHM.

There is lots of great info in the pinned posts at the top of this forum and elsewhere on this site. I found detaching from her behavior, not doing JADE, avoiding triangulation and doing SET to be very helpful.

Good luck with the arrival of your new family member!