Possibly bpd?

[Jillsmith]

I have read walking on egg shells and some of the traits of a high functioning BPD fit my husband but trying to see other people stories so I can get more clarity on if this is possibly what’s going on. I’m not asking for a diagnosis because I know a psychiatrist can only do that. But at this time he’s unwilling to go. If I could see if even his symptoms could possibly be related to BPD then it would give me clarity on how to have a relationship with him.
Wondering if anyone can read the symptoms and just let me know if they sound familiar to their experience with someone with high functioning BPD.
Here are a few things I can think of:
When I told him recently I’m leaving he went from accusing me of purposely pushing his buttons- to saying he’s the whole problem( anything to make me not leave).
Doesn’t seem like impulse control issue in last 15 years but before would drink /go to bars a lot.
Intense personality.
Paranoid about me being unfaithful. It can seemingly come out of nowhere. I don’t even have to be around another person for him to all of a sudden blame me for this.
Blames me for very untrue things like sabotaging his friendships and running happy days and causing relationship issues between him and our children.
When I tell him it is not true/not my heart or intent to cause him harm/ hurt him then he says it’s subconscious.
He has never self harmed/said suicide
 in any way.
He keeps long term job and works hard
Friendly/very like able at church
Gets very frustrated with me when I’m having hard time thinking of words.
Will think I’m obstinate -causing problems even if I did/didn’t do simple thing ( use his razor/didn’t put water container top where he said)
Gets upset/mad when I spend “too much time” with my sister. Recently said he’s not upset I spend time with her- he’s just upset I’m not spending time with him.
He likes me to be home if not working etc but doesn’t need me to be with/by him at home or if running errands
Opinionated and more black and white view point.
I can see the fact of devalue phase with things I’ve already listed but don’t see an idealization phase necessarily - I just am ok in his eyes sometimes.  

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hi JS, Welcome to the message board. We share lots of stories here, so read around and see if you start seeing patterns that are similar to your husband. Reading 'Walking on Eggsshell" too probably gave you lots of perspective. Good for you

For me I have an uBPD W, I was in a similar boat to you wondering what was going on, something is off and I can't put the finger on it. Am I going crazy or am I actually being all the horrible things my wife is saying I am? Nope. Once I got more educated on BPD by reading books and reading this website I was able to pull back and see the situation from a different perspective. And then some big truths were revealed.

Also changing how I communicated with my uBPDw, gave the situation clarity. I stopped JADEing (explaining/defending) and I started validating and using SET. And it is definitely helping and can help anyone, whether dealing with a BPD or regular Joe off the street. So whatever your husband could be diagnosed with, these skills help, and can make you feel more confident and in control of at least yourself.

Also a note on BPD, from what I am learning there are 9 traits of BPD. Not everyone is suicidal, can't hold a job and other extremes of low functioning BPD. This is what threw me off from seeing the situation with my wife. She wasn't suicidal, or not able to hold a relationship, these are only a few traits of BPD, there seems to be a spectrum. I have heard some people and doctors say 'people with BPD traits', which I think can be more accurate. You need 5 traits or more to be clinically diagnosed with BPD.

But whatever the case, give the communication skills a try. There are links somewhere on this website or google JADE and SET. Also importantly you need to take care of yourself, find hobbies and friends to fill you up.

From your post, one thing I related to most was when you said that your husband thinks you 'subconsciously" have bad intent or harm with your words and actions. Puts you in a tough spot doesn't it, how do you argue against your subconscious? This will drive you nuts, it sure did me for years. Believe your truth and stick with it. This is where you will use SET.

Best of luck to you. Keep posted and reading. It helps everyone here

[Butane]

many of your examples are similar to my experiences with my own husband.

If you end up feeling that you doubt your own reality, if you feel confused and blamed, if you no longer know your left from your right, that is to be expected, and how I have felt myself.