Help Need tools/resources to help calm fear of abandonment

[Masang M]

My husband and I had a massive fight (see previous post) which caused his fear of abandonment to skyrocket. He can't even have a conversation with me right now without intense anxiety, I can hear it in his voice. In his wise mind he knows I am not leaving him but it is not enough to calm him.

Has anyone had success in calming this? if so what tools helped you? I want to be able to be a support without having him cling to me in an unhealthy way.

Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Masang M.

I'm afraid I don't have a good tool to use and haven't had a lot of experience -- wish I could be more helpful! But, I do know that sometimes, there's not much we can do that would have an immediate impact. Sometimes it's little things over time -- soft touches, kind words, speaking in whatever "love language" your husband responds best to. With consistency and patience, those can add up and have an impact.

How are things today?

[Masang M]

Hi Ozzie 101,
Much better, we have talked a lot and done some research together. It seems he could have a misdiagnosis, which makes sense. We are waiting until his appointment to confirm for sure. What it is looking more like is Complex PTSD, which has very similar symptomology. From what I  am understanding is the main differences are suicidal ideation and a sense of identity. With cptsd it's more how the person sees self, mostly with shame and self-blame, negative talk. Where someone with BPD feels they don't have any identity.
 Also, we looked up fear of abandonment and it's actually fear of the relationship. So when we get in an argument he is afraid to trust that the relationship is a safe space. This means I will have to work especially hard to keep my cool no matter how frustrated I get.
A lot of the tools used here are very helpful especially those that help me with dysregulation and keeping my cool.
This stuff is hard and I am grateful for this site! Than You!

[Ozzie101]

I'm glad you're working through things together! Whether it's BPD or PTSD (and there's quite a bit of overlap there -- I suspect my H may be more PTSD than BPD, but it's hard to know), working on communication tools and understanding the other person is key. I know, with me, losing my cool never goes anywhere good but if I keep calm and keep it together, H's flame will burn out quicker. Not always easy in practice, though.

Hang in there and keep posting!