Limiting contact due to my recent health concerns

[madeline7]

I have always been healthy, but in the last 6 months I have had several upper respiratory illnesses, and an orthopedic injury that didn't heal well and resulted in another issue. I have had my health care providers ask if I am under a lot of stress, as my immune system appears to be compromised. So I connected the dots, and realized that I started getting sick immediately after she 1. moved into assisted care and behaviors escalated 2. found her will and saw that she cut me out and 3. told me she cursed the day I was born. So I have been LC and then after experiencing increased anxiety after she continued to hang up on me, took a short break. But yesterday I did go to visit her after a few weeks of not seeing her. Initially she was happy to see me, then it became what I could do for her, then why don't you do more. I was ready to give her a measured response but she said she didn't want to hear what I have to say since i do not have an opinion, a side, only she did. Of course I know that you cannot reason with a borderline. And that she will never change. So although I have tried NC and LC and full contact, none of these are good. Her existence is just not healthy for me. Even NC is unhealthy as she is still in my head. She is literally toxic for my immune system. I am just worn out.

[TelHill]

Hi madeline,

These are very cruel things your bpd mom did and said. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here. This is simply my suggestion -- I would cut my mom out of my life completely if she did this. It would be unbearable to me. I would find no reason to stick around.  Your mental and physical health comes first. Use the tips and tools to help you heal.  Mom is too far gone in her mental illness for you to use the tools to defuse this out of control situation. I am very sorry this is happening to you.

Please, keep writing here as much as you want. 

[zachira]

My heart breaks for you hearing how your mother has made you the dumping grounds for all her bad feelings. It is unbelievable after all you have done for her, yet it is very believable when dealing with a person with BPD. I can't imagine how much it hurts to be left out of the will and to listen to all the hurtful things she has said. Of course, your mental and physical health are affected. It seems like if your mother can't break you one way, she will find another. I have had both mental and physical health problems because of the evil things that my impaired family members did/are doing to me. It sounds like you have no choice but to take care of yourself and forget about your mother. I hope you are realizing that you are in no way at fault, and your body and mind are now telling you it is time to put yourself first. You are a courageous women and with time you can get to a place where the hurt you feel from how your mother has treated you is less overwhelming and does not affect you so intensely or for such long periods to time. Do post here regularly. I have found great solace in posting here and you have always been compassionate and understanding about my challenges. I am wondering if you have considered therapy or are in therapy right now. Going to therapy is what has helped me the most to move forward from dealing with a lifetime of family abuse. I am thinking of you, and hoping you will start to feel better. You are in our hearts and thoughts.

[madeline7]

Thank you for your responses. I am definitely closer to maintaining NC, but experience anxiety due to her age and how that would impact end of life issues and not sure if the guilt would be too great, and what it would mean for my kids since the rest of the family are all local and if I stayed back from gatherings, my kids would too, and if I attended family events would have to see my Mom. But I agree wholeheartedly that she has gone too far, and I do not deserve her emotional abuse. I am seeing a T, and also attended a 12 week workshop last year for family members of BPD. Still, I am weary.

[zachira]

It is understandable that you have good reasons why you do not want to go no contact. It is a hard decision when you are dealing with an elderly mother and there are other family members to think of. I am wondering if you could arrange to never be alone with your mother and when you are in her presence to have someone with you that she wants to look good in front of. I am glad you have a therapist as there is a lot to process and healing to do when dealing with an abusive parent.

[madeline7]

It would be really hard to have someone with me when I visit due to logistics, but again, I agree that would be ideal, but it's just not possible. It's all or nothing with my Mom, and I could only have someone with me a handful of times and she requires consistent visits from the family members she is speaking to at any given time. Living locally presents some challenges, she moved here when my Dad got sick, and I admit I am resentful that she moved into my community and now I want to leave to get some distance.

[TelHill]

Hi Madeline,

This is always the classic push, pull of these situations. I'm in the same boat. It's obvious my parents need help. They are verbally and emotionally abusing me when I do. I set boundaries and it makes them double down on the abuse. These bursts will never be extinct as long as they are alive.

I have a brother who seems to be relishing I am being abused.  He is just pouring salt on a deep wound.

The cultural expectation is that we all had great childhoods -- every woman needs to take care of her elderly parents. I feel isolated. I want to raise my hand saying I had a cr a ppy childhood. I'd get a lot of funny looks.

My decision is to go NC/VLC despite the guilt.  It's one of the most difficult situations I've ever faced.

Here's an online article I found on this issue. Hope you find some relief and your health improves. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201610/the-crisis-the-ailing-toxic-mother-caretake-or-run

[Harri]

Hi TelHill.  That was a really good article that outlines the conflicts so many of us experiences regarding the issue of NC, LC, etc and whether we can caretake our parents when they are older. 

There really are no good and no pain free solutions to this dilemma.  It all hurts and it is all hard so I can only encourage people to do what is right for them, to do what is in line with their values and their own personal limits.

[zachira]

TelHill,
Thank you for the link to the article which really expresses the pain and sorrow of figuring out what kind of contact to have with an abusive parent. No matter what we decide to do, it hurts.

[madeline7]

Going to read the article noe, thank you in advance!