Driving myself crazy

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

PS when I say 'we' I'm referring to society as a whole. 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

PS when I say 'we' I'm referring to society as a whole. 

Love and light x

[HelenaHandbasket]

I think it might be helpful to consider what real love is--is real love this kind of consuming obsession? Would real love end this way? I don't think so.

When I was younger I thought you couldn't have real love/passion unless you had that sort of obsessional insanity, those sorts of dizzying highs and terrible lows, and that belief led me to several dysfunctional/abusive relationships. I recognize traits from my abusive relationship in the stories you've told about your ex. The control, in particular. The "I only want to be with you, is that so wrong?" thing.  The thing is, it IS wrong if it requires you to abandon your family, your friends, your job, your identity outside the relationship. Not only is it wrong, it's not love. It's mad infatuation. It's obsession. It's possession. It will rot you from the inside out, and you'll be left with a lot of pain and resentment from your family and the other people you've let fall by the wayside in an endless and futile quest to make your GF feel secure.

It's a big red flag to me that this woman moved so fast with you. Erecting a shrine to someone in your bedroom is not a normal or healthy thing to do. Tattooing a new lover's name on your body is not a normal or healthy thing to do. And the kind of push/pull you're describing in your current r/s with her is not normal or healthy. 

I know you're hurting. It sounds like this relationship has spread a lot of pain, not just to you and your ex but also to your ex wife, children, sister, etc. Real love shouldn't send tentacles of pain shooting out in all directions.  It hurts now, no doubt. It sucks when someone goes from idolizing you to calling you evil (another red flag--who calls another person evil? Evil? Seriously? Overdramatic much?). But I'm telling you, you are well out of this and I feel confident you will come to realize that. Time heals. And I'm here to tell you, from personal experience, that you CAN have passion and true love without all the drama. After a series of nightmarish relationships in my teens and early twenties, I met my wonderful husband and we've been together 15 years--15 entirely drama-free years. Hang in there.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Seenowayout-
I hope you're doing ok.  I sent you a private message.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seenowayout]

Just by way of update -- I got a message from my exBPDgf -- "You should have been with me.  Calmed my demons.  But that was a lie.  Now I'm off the chain and worse than ever.  thanks Homie"  And for a while -- I started thinking, yes, I should be with her and calming her demons.  That was my job.  its all my fault she's off the chain -- whatever that means.  I thought about how I could get back in her graces, ink her name on me, spend every minute with her so she wouldn't suffer anymore.  And then I thought -- huh?

Then she sends me a picture of her with a guy, again, different guy.  From the guy's phone.  I texted back -- "what's this" and he said 'not my fault, she sent it to you from my phone" and he and I started talking.  He said her and her family has painted me as a master manipulator and cheater, but he knows there are two sides to every story.  I didn't tell him anything bad about her, just explained what happened to me.  He seemed to get it.   But I heard more about their relationship than I wanted to -- physical stuff.  in the house I helped pay for.  Really?  Why does this go on?  Why am I subjecting myself to this?

Then she sends me a pic of her new tattoo that covers my name -- a raven on a dead branch with "never more' inked underneath.  Bitter, dark, ugly, pessimistic -- the opposite of everything I used to be.  What the heck?  Give me light.  Give me hope.  Give me love. 

Then finally I get a message from her that I ruined her life.  I ruined her life?  Is she sleeping alone on an air mattress in an empty condo?  Is she out 10's of 1000's of dollars?  Is she snubbed by former friends?  Is she estranged from her kids?  Didn't I lift her up every chance I could?  Did I not get her in her new home? 

Insanity.  Pure insanity.  All she would have to do is come to me and say -- I want to understand how we got here.  Why were you talking to this person and not telling me.  What did I do that was driving you away.  But she is not capable.  She never ever ever did anything wrong -- and I was always the problem.  All she wanted to do was be with me.

Pure insanity.

I won't be part of it anymore.  She's done enough damage.

What makes me so sad is that her family can't see that.  They can't see she's sick and needs help.  They buy into whatever she says, continue to coddle her and treat her like a child.  Because she is a child.  Any rational person who saw what went on would see -- she needs help.  I would pay for the therapy she needs if they would convince her to get it.  I still want to fix her.

The world is a beautiful place  I was a beautiful man  She could have had it all.  It's not my fault.  She will never be happy -- and that makes me very sad.

But I will be happy.  That's what God wants.  He wants us happy.  I am free.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Seenowayout-

I'm so sorry this back and forth is still going on for you.  I can see how conflicted you are even within the confines of one sentence.  Can you?  I understand how incredibly confusing this is when contact continues.  It is not possible to detach when there's contact, or when you're subconsciously waiting for contact.  Blocking her number doesn't appear to address this issue since she's unfortunately sending you photos from other people's phones; so it appears the only way to eliminate the contact would be for you to change your number.  My dear friend, it may be worth the trouble to do this... .you'll know when.

I think it's time for you to really have a talk with yourself, or us, or a close friend, and lay it out there... .do you want to try and detach or do you want to work toward reconciliation (aka "recycle".  I do understand that nothing is clear right now;  but perhaps if you lay out all the pros and cons on paper, the visual will help you "see" and remember YOUR emotions within the relationship.  And not only your EMOTIONS, but everything else - day to day living things, Household chores, dinner preparation, laundry, visits with your kids, time with your friends, communication with your ex-wife about your kids, your work schedule, business meetings, the whole lot.  It's really important for all of us to remember what being in our relationships felt like.  The good parts and the struggles.  Complete, unadulterated honesty.

I have a whole lot to say, but I'll try to keep this short.  I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch with you.  You may remember that we exchanged a few messages.  At any rate, Seenowayout, it's really time for you to take care of yourself and focus on your emotional health and wellbeing.  You are the only person that you have any control over.   I see you punishing yourself in some very painful ways.  Please look at this.   Engaging in communication with her new guy takes you away from working on yourself.  You must understand that people with BPD traits are prone to telling lies, and it's not good for you to hear about the lies about you that she has told to her family, etc.

You cannot "fix" her.   Please understand, she is doing this contact with you because she has seen what you have forgiven.  And you have forgiven some pretty unforgivable actions, words and behaviors.  When you and I "spoke", we discussed the possibility of your needing the outcome to be such that you did NOT sacrifice all that you did for NOTHING in the end.  Where are you with that thought?

Please know, I am NOT trying to be hard on you.  You're not saying that she has owned up to or taken responsibility for ANY of her bad behaviors.  She is sending you photos from another man's phone.  In one sentence you say "I won't be part of it anymore.  She's done enough damage."  And in the next paragraph you say"... .I would pay for the therapy she needs if they would convince her to get it.  I still want to fix her."  Has she asked to see you?  If she were to ask you, what would you say?  If you WERE to see her, what would you expect to accomplish?  And this is difficult to say, but you need to keep in mind that she has been with at least two different men in the last 2 months.

I obviously do not know anything about your relationship with your children, their ages, or why you are being snubbed by former friends.  But what I can say, dear Seenowayout, is until you really find your position, i. e., whether you're going to either truly allow yourself to break free or work toward a reconciliation, the most important people in your life won't know where they stand with you.  You want them to trust you and have confidence that they play priority roles in your life.  I'm guessing that right now, they don't know HOW to feel.

I used to say about my ex-husband, that he was the wind and I was the wheat.  That was my analogy.  And I did use it to describe my BPD-traited bf.  I do have a full description of my analogy, but it's late, although I think I posted it in response to someone on our forum.  What I think I can say, is that when I (the wheat) am being whipped around by the wind, those who are rooted closest to me, can't help but be caught up in vortex of my suffering.  Just food for thought.

Please keep in touch.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seenowayout]

By way of update --- I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!

She called me late Friday night.  I didn't pick up.  She then redialed for a total of 7 times.  No voice mail, no text message.  I finally turned my phone off so I didn't have to hear it.

She has no right to dictate when and how she's going to communicate with me.  She totally disappears from my life, becomes completely inaccessible --  and I'm supposed to pick up the minute she has a whim or a need?  and it was probably just to remind me what an evil person I am, or how I'm responsible for her current debacle du jour.  She told me once she didn't have my number anymore -- she suddenly remembered it?  Just another lie?  I'm beginning to wonder how many lies there were?

I'll admit, I've wonder ever since what she wanted, and I think about her too much -- mostly in anger and wanting justice -- but I am happily celebrating this small victory of getting my life and boundaries back.

She is soo going to miss me.

And she has no right!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Seenowayout,

Congratulations!  That, as we all know, takes a great deal of strength to do.  Passing up an opportunity to open up lines of communication is HARD.  That addiction is not beating you.  You have control! 

She is soo going to miss me.

I believe I hear you valuing yourself here.  FANTASTIC!

That feeling of anger will pass when it is ready.  Keep the pride though.  It's one to hold onto.

Love and light x 

[Seenowayout]

I just want to say I went back and reviewed this thread started by me -- and I cannot believe how much better I am.  I remember the pain described here, and the desparation and true insanity and thinking it was forever and it would never go away, but it wasn't forever, it did go away.  And I hope others in this situation will take it from me that the pain will truly diminish, and it will make you wiser, and it will teach you something about yourself

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey there dear friend-

It is always so nice to see you...especially under happier circumstances.

As long as we live and learn, right?  Encouragement is so meaningful here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seenowayout]

Yes ma'am Gems!

I hope you're well.  Thank you for all your support in my hour of need.  Catch me up when you have time.

Peace and  love.

[Harri]

Glad to hear you are doing so well Seenowayout!




This thread reached the post limit and has been locked.  Please feel free to open a new thread to continue the discussion.

Thank you.