Just found out my wife has been leading a double life

[brijames]

Just found out that for the last year my wife has been seeing and living with another man. I found out from a family member of the man who contacted me online to tell me. Seems she hast told them all she is divorced and that I was abusive to her during our marriage. She has been spending time with him all those times she would dissappear for days and say it was drugs or she just had to get away or many other excuses. Is this common for someone with BPD to do this or is this ?

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[BeardedRadical]

Hey brijames,

First off, I want to say this sounds incredibly rough. I can't relate in the sense that my pwBPD hasn't done this exactly to me (I believe she has emotionally cheated/possibly physically), but that this kind of behavior is consistent with BPD. Other things would have to also be present as symptoms, but splitting (idolizing or demonizing someone / black and white thinking) and charming (orbiting potential love interests / bases of new support) are consistent.

Apparently she disappears often, but has been lying about what she has been doing. I'm curious, if you'll explain, why have you believed her other excuses and how have you approached trying to deal with them?

I'm a newb here, but a book that really helped me is called "Walking on Eggshells." It's written for someone in a situation exactly like the one you described. It'll help you get a better idea of what BPD is, what you can expect, how to make sense of her actions, and strategies you can utilize to help improve the situation for your own sake. Whether or not she improves is heavily on her.

Regardless, I'm incredibly sorry. I would crushed by such a revelation. It sounds like she's been discarding you - meaning, she's devaluing you in her eyes and casting you as a horrible person to others so they make no attempt to contact you and get a different perspective. She's in control of her relationships here, getting what she needs, leaving you alone and not getting what you need from her.

Keep posting here. I find talking to others helps.

Best,

-BeardedRadical

Edit: I'd add, her discarding you comes from a place of fear... not a hatred of you. She probably fears abandonment, so to prevent this she is preparing lifelines and devaluing you before her inevitable fear comes true. Sad part is her actions help bring about her fear more than anything else.

[DisheartenedGuy]

Hi,
I recently learned something similar with my girlfriend.  The entire time we have been together, she has been living a double life. She goes to bdsm and sex parties, and never once mentioned it to me.  She doesn't know I know.  I read that borderline women are 10 times more likely to be masochists, sexually, than non bpd women.  And I know cheating and lying is also common.

Still, I tell myself it's not her fault, that she can't help it, that she wouldnt intentionally hurt me.  It breaks my heart, yet it also hurts me to know she may have another man inside her this very instant, and I'm here alone typing about it. Seems so unfair.

Just know you're not alone.

[once removed]

wow. thats a lot to be hit with, brijames.

how are you feeling about all of this? what do you want to do?