How to balance "Love" and seeing the warning signs/red flags

[Gauche]

So, as a follow up to my initial first post-

How does one admit to seeing the warning signs/red flags, but caring about someone enough that you are not yet willing to let go and give up on a relationship?
My GF told me early on that she had been diagnosed with Borderline before she let us get serious. I have seen all the warning signs, all the irrational blow ups, her rejecting commitment, and inconsistent actions and words.
She has good self awareness on many days - She has offered to let me out and let me off the ride several times - she says i deserve better than she can give; that she isn't healthy enough to be in a relationship. But i love her, and I cannot let it go. I think that I am strong enough to handle it and be patient with her. But i have bad days; it's worn on me.

Can relationships with a BPD find a balance? She's on medication and seeing a therapist. Is there any hope of something real? I simply cannot imagine life without her.
I just cannot fathom letting her, or us, go even though she has given me plenty of outs and I see all the red flags.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

there is hope.

but to be frank with you, hope is less about her odds at recovery, less about success rates here or anywhere, and more a question of the unique relationship between the two of you, whether you are both prepared to do what it takes to get to a situation that is ideal or acceptable, and whether you, personally, are prepared to lead that effort.

tell us more. whats going on?

[Jeyjo]

Since she is already seeing a therapist, I don't think the odds are all against you guys. Plus your choice of words transmits the impression that you might not be ready to let her go yet and you still need some more experiences together and if it its only up to that point, where you say that you can't take it anymore (and it's quite sure that there are some hurtful experiences waiting for you - change is not going to happen over night).
What questions would you rather like to ask yourself later on: "Did I miss out on something?" or "Should I have left earlier to protect me?". Well that's quite a bit of a rationalizing point of view and relationships are often more about emotions but in the end we will cope and live with all the decisions we have made.

I am sending you a hug 

[Gauche]

So, we ended up getting out of town last week. it was amazing. We spent the entire week together, got along AMAZING in every way, learned a lot about each other.
Even to the point where she told me that she loved me (for the first time - it had been a sensitive issue in the past due to her fears of commitment and impact of our developing relationship on her kids, ex, ex's parents (who are from her hometown and close with her parents) and her parents who really have not supported her at all during her divorce. and have been EXTREMELY unsupportive and negative about her dating again.

To skip all the backstory, her parents do not know about me and she lied to them about last week. Then the parents found out about last week late last night. in a 72 hour swing, we have gone from expressing love and planning future trips and working thru summer custody schedules so that we can spend time together, to now she told me this morning that she wants out of our relationship b/c her parents now know, which will spread to her ex's parents (and ex) finding out. 
Said if she cannot keep it private and safe from their intrusion and emotional warfare/manipulation, that she cannot be in it.

she has tried to keep us private. she claims it is to protect us from interference while we develop. i do believe her, but it does feel sometimes like she is not willing to endure any sort of hardship for us - if her kids aren't happy she's dating, she's out. if her ex (she still by habit refers to him as her "husband" gives her crap about dating or "slut shaming" her, she's out. if her parents disagree, she's out.

She wants to be happy with me, but is scared to death of anyone else knowing. Most of her friends know and support her, and i have met a couple of relatives recently.


I just don't understand the mindset that she is happy, wants to be with me, wants to protect us from interference or being "ruined" by her family knowing. that makes me feel like I/we are incredibly important to her. But the instant some hardship arises from them, she'd rather give me/us up rather than work through it.

Like i'm the most important thing in the world to her, but she'd rather give me up than fight for it.  It's such a weird paradox.


all that being said, she does want to give time to cool off and see if she can find a place to mmove forward.  in the meantime, i'm left hanging, wondering...sad. scared. feel like i'm going to be sick

[once removed]

have you read this article: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

its really the best place to start. approach this relationship with eyes wide open and with realistic expectations.

i dont mean to be a downer when i say this, but the struggles of your relationship are going to be considerably bigger than a great week, or a nightmare week. there will be many, of both. you dont want to get caught up in chasing the highs.

(she still by habit refers to him as her "husband" gives her crap about dating or "slut shaming" her, she's out. if her parents disagree, she's out.

she is really self conscious about this. its understandable. when youre going through a divorce, everyone has an opinion, and youre not sure which way is up or down.

i think the key here, really, is to be a pillar of strength and consistency, and not to solve this problem for her, but to let her sort through it. if she sees you as stable and consistent, you wind up smelling like a winner, even as she struggles with grief, judgment, doubts, etc. if she sees you as someone who cant handle the ride, outside opinions will matter more, and doubt will grow.

its a hard needle to thread.