I was living for around 2 years with my girlfriend who I was very deeply attached to. How it started was that I met her at a hostel while on a two-month-long work trip and mostly out of lust, jumped in bed with her. She had some vaginal infection and I wasn't able to put it in, this after she aggressively convinced me not to use a condom. But she still kept going, and I did cum while being half in, half-out and she kept going. I heard about her life story...her father passed away when she was 11 and her mother, 17, both of Cancer. She had a troubled childhood. The red flags were taken over by the extreme empathy and kindness. I took her to the gynecologist and was taking care of her while also working and she was giving me overwhelming love which I hadn't had in a long time. This went on and then she disappeared for a week saying that she has gone to meet her first only long term ex-boyfriend of 5 years and wanted to check upon him. I ain't an insecure guy but still struggled because she turned her phone off. She was back telling me that she only gave him a dry kiss and that's it. I was thinking of leaving her. Later we discovered she got pregnant from our "first night" and she panicked and I cajoled her and she said she can't make the decision and she would go with whatever I say as she trusts me. Being a vegetarian and an optimist, I said to keep the baby I will take care irrespective of the future of our relationship. We made plans. She rejected, made me feel like I spoiled her life and flew back to Sicily(her home) to have the abortion. After a week she reached out to me and I cajoled her and let her blame me for it made her feel relaxed. I shut down by business(related to 3D printing) and went to her for three months. We traveled around a lot and made good memories and I met around 50 of her family members who made me feel the warmest and homely. By this time, I was hooked to her. I couldn't spend a day without her. After a few months, she came to me and I was still getting back from my sabbatical to working again. one day while she was out while I was working, she called me to ask if she can go see a friend (this a guy who she earlier told me likd her but she had no feelings for him) out of my lack of insecurity I said yes ofcourse, you don't need to ask me. She went nuts after a week. My smallest action would make her extremely angry. I got frustrated and I was leaving and when I reached the bus stop, I just couldn't and I came back. She acted strange, saying that a friend of hers is on the way to meet her. That she was the happiest when I left. I begged her to give me two weeks to repair this. She half-agreed. That time was hell for me. I couldn't work, felt like
PLEASE READ and was almost suicidal and one day she broke my thumb over some small argument. Next day she left and after a week, I convinced myself that I was the who needed to understand her and listen to her better rather than always asking that from her. I called her family and no one was aware and so I got pretty afraid of her, I care too freaking much for her. I went to look for her, with great tenacity I found her at a tourist spot and the guys at a hotel told me she was staying there with another guy and when I asked them for the pic, it was the same guy who she met a few days ago. I went to ask the taxi drivers, etc. and somehow she arrived in another taxi while shouting at me. I took her to a place where I had called another friend(older than me) to support me in this time of crisis. She accused me of conspiring against her of spoiling her life and putting her behind the bars if she doesn't always obey my commands. I felt like
PLEASE READ. She was somehow listening to my friend for a while and then she started screaming on him. Lots of screaming and public drama later, he convinced her to come rest in a separate room at our hotel and she is free to leave the next day. She didn't leave, rather she stayed strangely. My friend left after, she asked me to go to another city nearby. Few painful days later, she arrived there and we cuddled and fought and kissed. We were onto some intense sex but I stopped and we rather slept. Then after getting to my city, I rented a condo where we were happily living, cooking, eating, working, loving and everything else. This was the ideal, perfect and best time of my life. When confronted about the event, she simply said she lost herself and didn't cheat on me. I saw that we need more time to go into further details. Over this time, the pattern was clear, she did a mistake--> I clearly told her that to do something wrong is normal and human but to never accept it and keep blaming others is not fine. When I talked to her a few hours after this she said she needed time and when I gave her time, she used to forget and asked me to stop dwelling in the past and focus on the present.
She wasn't able to maintain a stable relationship with anyone, her cousin(a male nurse) who supported her during abortion was painted by her as a devil, her aunts, her friends. I used to talk to her peacefully about these at length and that she needs to work on that. I was literally raising her in a way. I felt this was my duty in the cosmos in a way. She dropped out of two graduate courses and her English wasn't too well. When working towards continuing education, she started talking about working a job and vice-versa. With great difficulty, I convinced her to enroll in English classes and to give the language exam which she chose to do in Italy and flew back. After going back, she started ignoring me for a few days and then suddenly flipped and said that I was living in an illusion and she never said that she is into me leave alone that she loved me or wanted to be with me forever. She accused me of manipulating her. I was devastated but managed to with difficulty, had her apply to a graduate course she wanted to do, Wrote her application, motivation letter, etc. while she was abusing me. Somehow I managed to convince her to accept the truth. Things were normal again and then I moved to China and asked her to come to me since she wasn't doing anything these days and would make sense for us to be together and help her with her ennui and nihilism too. She refused, rejected and then I could reason any longer. I stood firm that if she doesn't come I will not see her anymore. Unexpected of her, she apologized, expressed her regret for her mistakes in the past(wow) and said she would like to work things out. I made up and then she enrolled in the uni and we both were happy. I got pretty busy with work and wasn't talking to her as much as before. Then the winter break of 19 arrived and I asked her firmly to come again but she again said that she already booked a flight to Sicily and would like to go there. This time I acted irrationally and got very angry and agitated and verbally abused her and later regretted doing that and apologized a lot to her. Then a few days later, we were talking normally, then we stop talking to each other and I went traveling in Asia for the holidays where I met an accident on a rented scooter. After not talking for around ten days including Christmas and New Year's Eve, I called her and disconnected, she called back, I apologized for disturbing her peace, She said that she was missing me much, after being approached by hot ladies and still thinking about my gf, my love was enforced. After a week, she was again lovingly talking to me, expressing love and saying that she would anything to make things work. I convinced her of the importance of her simply acknowledging her actions from the past which hurt me and she never accepted or apologized for them. I asked her to do an exercise where irrespective of whomsoever sharing the blame with her, her writing every incident and just expressing her share of the mistake. After I saw her making excuses and delaying, I stopped picking her calls, acting very pissed or talking only for a minute or two. I told her that after this I will shift permanently near her or make some arrangements for the same which was something I was truly planning. It worked I guess, she started writing and said she had written three pages and I was so happy that I was thinking of proposing her for marriage in 2020, little did know the truth. Suddenly she stopped calling, picking up or replying to my texts. After four days she picked up and I told her that I got so scared that I was thinking of calling the cops. (She is really weak and sometimes falls or faints and I was very afraid.) She got angry and was crying and shouting that I am trying to spoil her life and keep controlling her and dominating her and I am an imbecile incapable of anything and everything. I simply said, "stop listening to the poisonous people around you love, you are being delusional, please calm down and that you have put up your glasses of hate and can only see bad in me right now like many times before. Please recognize this pattern, take your time and calm me back." She didn't, rather evryday a text like..."you said there isn't much chance for our relation to work out anyways" "The physical distance doesn't work, I can't do this on the phone." After another week, we talked she said, " I had put too much pressure on her,,... she realised the pressure was too much when she had to cum 5 times last night." I was in shock, I peacefully asked to stop talking to both of us and stay with herself and then decide after a week or so. She rejected and cut the call and stopped picking up the calls, replying to text. I was getting suicidal and then got diagnosed with MDD. My head has gone from hairy to bald in just two years. I was gasping for breath. It has been two months, I did send her a couple of emails meanwhile and she has not replied. What am I supposed to do now ? This is true that she expects me to be by her side when she is down but hits me in the groin when I am down. But I think if would have been more supportive and patient, things would have worked out for the better.
Does it make sense for me to go to her to see her or call her or her friend or someone ? I am mentally in a way better state right now but I still cannot accept. Maybe she lied that she cheated, but I just can't accept that she is there living her life full of even more anxiety because of her actions but still acting as if everything is fine to convince herself that what she is doing is right. I believe that she is capable of change and worth taking another leap of faith.
