Am I the problem? What can I do to help?

[thirdcoastheart]

I've known my partner for the last year or so while we worked through our respective divorces. As we got to know each other he disclosed his BPD. I did my due diligence to understand what he was going through and how I could be a better partner to him to help him through his struggles. As our relationship progressed, he expressed a need for trust, security, vulnerability, and maturity on my end. He's charming, charismatic, loves hard, and is in-tune with his emotions. He told me he loved me, he asked I move in with him, he said he wanted to propose this year, and we discussed our future careers, our values, how many kids we want, etc. We've had extensive and serious conversations where I felt that we were seeing eye-to-eye. However, I started to notice every few weeks something would trigger him and he would become angry, volatile, and lose all hope in me and our relationship.

Most recently he got jealous because he was under the impression that my behavior was intentional - to make him jealous and to hurt him. I was very confused when he stormed off, forced me to get into a car, and later at his place he threw a glass at the wall I was staring at. He profusely apologized the next day after I had removed all my belongings from his place as I wasn't feeling safe or wanted. He later went on to say this has nothing to do with me but that I wasn't good for him, that our relationship is toxic, and he had regressed in his healing process.

This is the third time he's broken up with me and I really want to make this work. I'm currently giving him time and space. Please help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CHChuck]

I have been told I'm the problem so many times in the 30 years I've spent with my pwBPD. After nearly every fight, I am "so cruel" or "choose to fight with her."   I would hate to see you think of yourself as "the problem."

Instead, think about what you are willing to endure and be firm with your limits. Early in my relationship, I believe I was the problem and gave up everything hoping I would find the magical thing that changed everything. Well, I cannot change my partner, but I can resolve to take care of myself.

If your partner has BPD, you will like experience outbursts and be blamed for all that's wrong with the relationship. You might never hear "I'm sorry" or see genuine remorse for behaviors. So, you have to find other ways to feel the love.

My pwBPD does not behave this way toward me intentionally, instead, she is trying to get through life as easily as possible. My loud sniff, a misplaced soda bottle, or a sideways looks get in the way of that quest. I am learning to let these critiques role off me (I'm hearing one now because she put away the dishes I used to cook us dinner and I did not adequately praise her).

My partner rarely is violent and never in a way that threatens me (I am twice her size). Additionally, the good times are wonderful. For instance, we had had an incredibly good day until this very instance.

OK...to boil down my distracted rambling...Find your limits, make them clear to your partner, and stick to them; resolve to take care of yourself; find joy in the good times.  Finally, make a peaceful, kind effort to reestablish a connection after the criticism/outburst.

[thirdcoastheart]

Thank you for the reply. I’ve had the last month or so to reflect with no contact because my number and every social media platform account has been blocked. I’ve realized and keep noticing on the message board how many of us need to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and how important it is to make it clear to our partners. I’ve been working on myself quite a bit in therapy, resetting, setting boundaries, and finding happiness on my own terms; however, it doesn’t seem to change the fact that I still care deeply for this man. I’m currently a bit confused... After a month of no contact, I woke up to a number of missed calls from him while I was abroad. I took a couple days to digest and respond calmly by texting if everything was well and if things were ok, but no response. Is there anything I can do? Everyone says this is some cry for attention or bait.