Considering divorcing my BP wife

[alleyesonme]

I'm sure a bunch of you have dealt with some or all of these issues, and would love to get some advice from whoever is willing. My BP wife and I have a daughter who's almost two years old. If I'm being honest with myself, I knew it was time to leave my wife at least 6 months before she got pregnant, but I just didn't do it. I regret that every single day of my life now.

The only reason I haven't left now is that I don't want to lose my daughter for half of her life. On one hand, I know my daughter needs to see an example of a healthy, happy marriage, and I know that I can give her that example if I divorce my wife and find a much better partner. On the other hand, divorce is extremely traumatic for a child, and the thought of hurting my daughter is heartbreaking.

Three other factors to consider are that, if my wife and I get divorced, does my daughter then become the target for my wife's rages? If so, I wouldn't be there to protect her.

Also, my wife is completely incapable of being half of a healthy romantic relationship. If we get divorced, she'll likely start dating other people at some point. What if that relationship is just as dysfunctional as ours is, and my daughter is forced to witness it?

Lastly, if I do file for divorce, I know my wife will completely lose it. If that happens, I wouldn't be surprised if she makes up a lot of negative things to say to my daughter about me. Being so young, I'm terrified of my daughter believing some or all of those lies and not wanting to have a relationship with me.

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[once removed]

when considering divorce, there are enormous things to weigh. its good that youre doing that.

The only reason I haven't left now is that I don't want to lose my daughter for half of her life.
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Lastly, if I do file for divorce, I know my wife will completely lose it. If that happens, I wouldn't be surprised if she makes up a lot of negative things to say to my daughter about me.

when you say you worry about losing your daughter for half of her life, are you worried about your wife going above and beyond badmouthing you to your daughter? for example, are you worried about being denied custody?

[alleyesonme]

Thank you for the reply. As you can imagine, this topic occupies my thoughts the majority of the time. Not fun!

I don't think there's any way I'd be denied shared custody. I do worry that once we're divorced, my wife will be so hurt that she'll tell my daughter so many negative things about me that my daughter may pull away from me. I have an awesome relationship with my daughter thus far, so I'm hoping my she wouldn't let anything my wife says get in the way of that, but you never know how a child will react to a divorce. Especially since my daughter is so young.

Every day, I dread being around my wife, but every second with my daughter makes me feel so much better. If I ever lost my relationship with my daughter, that would be crushing.

And specifically, when I mentioned losing her for half of her life, that would be the most likely custody arrangement - shared time. So for half of the time, would never see her. I'd still do everything possible to maximize the time I do have with her, I'd talk to her on the phone as much as possible when she's with her mom, and I'd do everything I can to find a much better partner to marry so I can show my daughter an example of a happy and healthy marriage. That may be how I cut my losses and make the best of this bad situation. But it'd still be heartbreaking to go from seeing her every day to only half the time.

I'm counting on someone here to invent a time machine so I can go back and avoid this entire mess!