Reach out for birthday?

[Carguy]

Hey group, my ex BPD's birthday is coming up Sunday and I'm not sure if I should reach out and say happy birthday or not.

Things are real bad between us and my birthday was a few weeks ago and once again I heard nothing. I expected that though. This is my third birthday with her that we have been apart and she has not told me happy birthday. In the past we have made up before her birthday but this year it's pretty bad. When she sees me in public she looks away and acts like I'm not there and we are not talking at this point. I have chosen to stay away from any where she might be and have no contact for now but should I be the bigger person and at least wish her a happy birthday? A short text like "I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday." or should I just continue no contact? I do care about her and still have feelings for her but I don't know how this will be received from her.

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[juju2]

Hi Carguy.  It's amback.  My I'd is juju because I was here 2 years ago and they found my old id...

For me, I had to experience this same thing.

I got up the strength to allow him to experience loss of my presence.

I finally changed my phone number.
I got rid of my email.  Got a new email.

Because I was getting a virtual communication, like Happy Valentine's Day.
Then nothing.  Nothing in real life. (irl).
So I got a texting app. 

He couldn't virtually keep the relationship going.  I wasn't up for that.

I do text regarding our meetups, we see each other once a week.  This week twice!

I believe me being strong, allowing him to fully experience HIS choice of excluding me from his life, helped bring the situation around.

Like in sailing, he came about.

It wasn't overnight.  And we are still having ups/downs, he is still living with female roommate.  He says she is leaving. He is completely done with her...  anyway. 

That is what I did.  I cut out all communication...  after 30 days of no communication he left a note, card on my door.    "Let's meet.  I want to see you."

so we have been meeting up. 

I think without that one action ( and non action--) things changed.  I changed.

It was scary because I thought he would just forget about me.

I figured it was worth a shot.  I didn't like what I kept getting the old way.

[Carguy]

Oh hey Amback! Thanks for the reply!

In our past she has only reaches out a time or two. I usually do the reaching out and she has told me after we reconcile that she was glad I did. That is why I wondered about this time.

 In our past we went 6 weeks no contact and she didn't reach out. Her former best friend said when she's done she's done. That kind of scares and saddens me. It may be different here because their relationship was only a few months as where our's was four years. And maybe not too.

Things are the worst they've been this time though and maybe I should continue to do things different. She kind of came around for a few days awhile back when I responded to her text saying I was going no contact.

Currently she has a new best friend that she works with and from what I have seen on Facebook she is idealizing and even love bombing her a little like she did me in the beginning. This girl is 15 years younger so I kind of think on an emotional level they click well and she is currently getting her supply from this girl. In a sense this girl may be my current replacement. There have been other things that went on between us to make me believe that.

I'm never really sure if staying away and hoping she comes to me truly is the best thing or if reaching out letting her know I'm still here is. I don't want to be out of sight, out of mind and forgotten.

[Las1604]

If she didn't wish you a happy birthday a few weeks ago, I wouldn't.

[juju2]

Hi Car

As hard as it sounds, I agree with the previous poster.

we show ourselves with our actions or with our non action.
Everyone. 

I know it is really hard.

I felt better when I used my actions, inactions, better.  Based on what was actually happening.  People need consequences.

[Carguy]

I caved early this morning and sent a text. It read as follows:

I just wanted to reach out and wish you a happy upcoming birthday this Sunday. If you ever get to a point you want me back in your life please let me know. Until then I will go back to leaving you alone.

It popped up on my end that she read it so she's curious enough to see what I had to say.

I was just worried that with the way I told her to remove her vehicles and gave very short responses during that time and have stayed away and haven't talked to her that she may feel that I am angry towards her and maybe she cannot reach out to me? I felt like maybe by putting that out there puts the ball in her Court and she knows that the door is still open if she wants to reach out for maybe a friendship? I also put that I would continue to leave her alone in fear that she would respond telling me to leave her alone or some other negative text.

She has not responded which I expected and I think that is better than a negative response. Now that I have put that out there I will go back to leaving her alone and staying away.

What do you guys think?

[juju2]

it's ok.

It's what was there for you and you know your life better than I do.

it's your life, you get to choose.

All I do, all I can hope to provide, is my experience
.take it or leave it.  I support you wether you take it or leave it.

I support you.

[Carguy]

Thank you so much Juju!

I really do appreciate and value your advise! It has been quite helpful to me! Feeling supported helps a lot too!

In the end I guess I wanted to make it clear to her I still care and when she's ready I won't shun her. Also to let her know I'm staying away until then (so she has space from me.)

I hope it was the right move and she keeps it in mind. Maybe eventually we can start a friendship again. Until then I'll try to keep my distance.