Demonized again and feeling so blue

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello there BPD family.
My marriage sees cycles moving between semi-peace and fierce antagonism. I find myself once again being demonized. I know from the books that I’ve read and from my therapist that I really am not to blame for these shifts. I do own my actions that trigger her, but the reactions are always so extreme. And she doesn’t accept my apologies or acknowledge when I own my mistakes. I know I’m not supposed to take the reactions personally, but sometimes it is just so hard. This latest downturn is fueled by the current global crisis. It has lead to my wife seeking out a place to rent for her and our son. The blame for all of this is surely not all on me. And I am definitely not a bad father. I know that I have room for improvement but I am trying my best. Yesterday I was feeling so down because of the mountain of blame and anger. I just wanted to cry.
I don’t know if it’s reasonable to try to get back on her good side since I don’t agree with her reasons for being angry. But for our sons sake I want things to be peaceful. I really don’t think I would be heartbroken if she left me because at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear of her scorn for every single decision I make.
I know may people on here have it much worse than me, but any feedback advice or encouragement is welcome.
Thanks and be well.

[RestlessWanderer]

Hello there BPD family.
My marriage sees cycles moving between semi-peace and fierce antagonism. I find myself once again being demonized. I know from the books that I’ve read and from my therapist that I really am not to blame for these shifts. I do own my actions that trigger her, but the reactions are always so extreme. And she doesn’t accept my apologies or acknowledge when I own my mistakes. I know I’m not supposed to take the reactions personally, but sometimes it is just so hard. This latest downturn is fueled by the current global crisis. It has lead to my wife seeking out a place to rent for her and our son. The blame for all of this is surely not all on me. And I am definitely not a bad father. I know that I have room for improvement but I am trying my best. Yesterday I was feeling so down because of the mountain of blame and anger. I just wanted to cry.
I don’t know if it’s reasonable to try to get back on her good side since I don’t agree with her reasons for being angry. But for our sons sake I want things to be peaceful. I really don’t think I would be heartbroken if she left me because at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear of her scorn for every single decision I make.
I know may people on here have it much worse than me, but any feedback advice or encouragement is welcome.
Thanks and be well.

[onthewater79]

Going through something similar and I hear you. I no longer am surprised when I get painted black these days despite all my best efforts, but when it happens, it still hurts. Telling my heart not to take things personally just doesn't work for me. It still hurts, and I still cry, after all this time. We are yoked together in financial ruin and COVID has certainly amplified/accelerated our day to day. I don't know if I will survive this.

I hope you are able to find some peace. 

[RestlessWanderer]

Onthewater, thank you for your reply. You’re right, it’s hard to convince the heart not to take things personally. I’m constantly considering the validity of the things she says wondering if maybe I have caused much of our problems. Sometimes I know I’m being gaslighted and sometimes I’m not sure.

I don't know if I will survive this.

I hope that you find a way to feel hopeful and come out ahead.

[Cat Familiar]

No doubt these relationships are difficult, even in times of relative security. Add in the global pandemic and its easy for people with BPD to go off the rails. And it’s very likely that you are not to blame for her anger, rather you are a convenient target

You say that you don’t know whether it’s reasonable to try and get back on her good side since you don’t agree with the reasons for her anger.

Why even think that you need to agree? She might not even fully be aware of why she’s angry.

What would you like regarding this relationship? You’ve mentioned that you want to keep things civil for your son’s benefit. If she were to move out, would that make things easier to do that?

[onthewater79]

RestlessWanderer, I hear you on questioning the validity of what one's partner is saying, accusing, etc. On my end, these outbursts are no longer surprises - well, at least I know that they are periodic, though I don't always know what triggers them. Often it's my tendency to withdraw and not communicate when my partner becomes manic, doesn't respect my boundaries, steals from me, etc. If I am quiet and still, and listen to what intuition I think I have left, I'd say I am not the person being portrayed, and that I am with someone who is highly irrational, yet highly intelligent and a master at spinning the story.

What's your intuition say today?

[RestlessWanderer]

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What would you like regarding this relationship? You’ve mentioned that you want to keep things civil for your son’s benefit. If she were to move out, would that make things easier to do that?

Cat Familiar, thanks for sharing you thoughts. I don’t know if this relationship can give me what I want. Lately I’ve noticed that even when it’s rough I can hardly express myself freely without it triggering a negative response. Conversations are hard unless I’m only agreeing with everything she says, and even that can turn negative. I do think that if she moved out out soon wouldn’t be exposed to constant arguments. But I’m afraid that it wouldn’t actually solve her problems and without her favorite target she might start to take out her frustrations on him.

[RestlessWanderer]

RestlessWanderer, I hear you on questioning the validity of what one's partner is saying, accusing, etc. On my end, these outbursts are no longer surprises - well, at least I know that they are periodic, though I don't always know what triggers them. Often it's my tendency to withdraw and not communicate when my partner becomes manic, doesn't respect my boundaries, steals from me, etc. If I am quiet and still, and listen to what intuition I think I have left, I'd say I am not the person being portrayed, and that I am with someone who is highly irrational, yet highly intelligent and a master at spinning the story.

What's your intuition say today?

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that your partner acts the same way as mine. My wife is one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and with a photographic memory she is particularly apt at recalling my words and using that as a weapon. That really knocks me on my heels constantly and makes it hard to understand what my intentions were. She always assigns a motive and meaning without listening to what I actually have to say.
I too withdraw when the negativity is overwhelming. This always compounds our problems though. It’s really hard for me since practically every person I’ve ever interacted with has liked me, but my wife has started every fight/argument we’ve ever gotten into.
To answer you question, my intuition tells me to keep being me. Regardless of what she says.

[Cat Familiar]

RW, have you seen the three minute video on ending conflict ?

Absolutely keep being yourself. That is the person your wife fell in love with.

It takes a while to unwind some of these dysfunctional patterns that our relationships fall into. Have you checked out our Community Built Knowlege Base?  Here’s a start: Tools and Skills Workshop