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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: battling hard with the self restraint not to message her  (Read 793 times)
Cromwell
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« on: April 22, 2020, 02:09:20 PM »

I mean other members have, who were here and now long gone.

Here be kickbag Cromwell following the path of doing things the "right" way.

Apparently trying to point out a difference, Im able to self-soothe and practice self-control - she gets a free pass.

Except I dont self soothe - I have to come here for 5 good reasons why I should not go to her door (I cant be bothered with facebook, too hard to put my point across)

Has any one here actually got better, or is it a perpetuating recap of the stories ad nauseum by those who cant square a problem away.

People have spent their time to help me out, it is one good reason why Ive not dealt with it my own way. This pain, cant be drinked away, drugged away or talked away.

I want 4 other reasons of what I need to do instead, or im leaving this board (for good) and doing it my own way.
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« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2020, 02:11:46 PM »

what is driving the urge to contact her?

what would you want to say?

would it be for closure, or to tell her off? if just just to rip her a new one, i can give you plenty of reasons not to do that.
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« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2020, 02:16:31 PM »

I would offer the future/past self perspective.

Would going to her house serve you well if you were to think about it in five years? Would you feel regret, or would you be glad you did it?

If there is even the tiniest bit of a hint that you'd regret it, then I would tell you not to do it.
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l8kgrl
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« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2020, 02:58:17 PM »

Cromwell, I'm new here so no expert, but one thing I have been telling myself the past week that is helpful when I start obsessing about him is "this is my brain's faulty wiring that was created as a result of this messed up trauma. This is not actually about him." Then I say a short mantra to myself - "I did everything I could and it didn't work out. I deserve better. delete, delete, delete, delete..."

I don't know if de-personalizing it that way is helpful at all to you. But your brain is tricking you into making it about her, when really it's about re-programming your neurons...

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JNChell
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« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2020, 04:16:54 PM »

Hey, Cromwell. I don’t think that your ultimatum is a fair thing to drop at the doorstep of this community. I don’t know what has you upset, but it might help to try and hash that out here. I think that you’ve been an important presence here. You’ve helped me to look at myself. With that being said, something has you triggered. What is it? Charging the community on having to give you four reasons to stay is unreasonable. I see this as making the community responsible for your feelings, which we are not. Now, what is really going on with you, my friend?
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JNChell
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« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2020, 04:49:06 PM »

Sorry to double post, but yes, many of us have gotten better. Much better. I remember how combative you were when you showed up here. Now you’re helping others and are joining the PSI board. Huge steps my friend. Everything is okay, just talk.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2020, 05:41:53 PM »

You say you aren't actually self-soothing. How are you agitated? Is there a particular time of day at which you're affected, or in a particular way? What emotion(s) are you feeling that are agitating to you?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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Cromwell
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« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2020, 05:50:00 PM »

I have the worst headache, Ive been too much on the single malts,

I need a break from the board and I mean that with deep respect and not a critcism. My suspicion here is that im closer to detaching than I realise, it is such a new and almost scalpel like quality to it, it is emotionally hard to reconcile. Maybe this is a victim of my own success and not realising it. It is scary, and I cant emphasise that enough. I dont know why I made an ultimatum, im not entirely sure, I think I wanted to be stopped. There was doubt today that what ive been doing all this time wasnt making a difference. The reason I didnt manage this myself today, was because I didnt manage it myself today. thats it, end of and im fine I am grateful to everyone. Thank you.
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JNChell
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« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2020, 06:19:15 PM »

Cromwell, stick with us. I fell hard a couple nights ago, and you showed, so stop this and ground yourself. You should be here with us. Slamming pints probably aren’t going to help. Sorry about the headache brother. It’s understandable to need a break from the boards. Trust me, I get it. I’ve taken breaks myself when it got overwhelming. This is very overwhelming content. Take your time, man. Just know that this place is always here for you, and your contributions are very appreciated.

Correct me if I’m reading you wrong, but is there a certain amount of fear or some other feeling that makes final detachment a very painful experience?

I wouldn’t categorize this as being a victim. Maybe some anger in there? Some reminiscing?

Cromwell, you’ve covered a lot of ground. As you know, I had a big setback a couple nights ago. Setbacks will happen. What is the main pull to her right now?

Managing this stuff isn’t a fair thing to be charged with, but we have to. It can upend our days.

I remember having a conversation with you a few days ago about our feelings not being validated at a crucial point in our lives. Maybe today was a residual result.
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JNChell
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« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2020, 07:10:08 PM »

These dynamics can cause a very different way of thinking. You were mistreated as a child. You fell for someone because you were mistreated. Anger is today’s flavor. The girl isn’t good for you. Think about if you ever have a child of your own. What do you want that to look like? A mess or structure that was learned by you? Look, we have this stuff inside of us. It’s part of our makeup, but we have a choice on what to do with it. Know what I mean?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #10 on: April 23, 2020, 12:12:49 AM »

not anger JNChell, hatred of a betrayer.

it is the source of all that binds, a fear of connecting/not wanting/shame in acceptance in the existence of:

hatred, not anger.

I hate her and, by the way, in all the time youve known me here. Is this just me, or is "I hate her" a first?

I told her a few times, she invalidated it and I followed along with it.

"mustve just been really angry"

no, I hated her now for years, it is nothing new just layered deep away.

Needing a break from here? i'll give it a go. When I come back prepare yourself for hate week. I will embrace it for a change until the point it is as unshameful as all the rest.

until there is not a hint of seasoning to disguise it by an observant reader. They leave with the message "Cromwell is full of hate, unashamedly so"

not anger JNChell, although it stands to reason that yourself or anyone else may have erroneously suspected it. Its what I told myself, after all. It is hate, nothing more nothing less and I need to stop numbing it out and start feeling it more.

JNChell I know you had a horror day, I had mine tonight, it may or may not be related to the work done here. I feel fine, my headache has vanished. I know that it is not just coincidence that everyone here was there for me: it is what made the difference, words I do not possess to put down what it means. More than "glad" you were all here, put it that way.

when I see her face, I feel a deep hatred. The solution is not only obvious it is what I did years ago, I put her out my life to not have to see her face and each time, bury and invalidate that feeling. Or to tell her to that face "i hate you" and have it bypassed as if it never existed.

I dont feel the need to justify it, or rationalise it, it exists, im sure for a good reason. it doesnt need explained, It needs to be from my side accepted for what it is and that it has just as much place as any other. For now, it is here to stay, the hatred it is just another root I need to dig down and uproot.

I am a hateful person.
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JNChell
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« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2020, 05:42:23 AM »

I understand the feelings of hatred quite well, as do many of us here. The most intense of those feelings ended up being towards my parents. They ended up being the toxic catalyst that lead me down this road.

Cromwell, you don’t have to leave us, but your choice is yours to make. From your words, you’re saying that you will come back here angry and full of hate. I’ll challenge that by asking, what about all of the work you’ve done here? I understand setbacks, but please don’t waste all of the hard work. From what I’ve seen, you’re just now starting to tap into what has really been your torment. Having hateful feelings is ok. It’s part of the process for some of us. The loud noise of hate eventually begins to fade once it’s directed to where it needs to be, and processed.

Look, you’ve done a lot of work here. I would hate to see it all go in the bin because your thoughts have you feeling impulsive and angry. We will have these times, pushing forward is paramount when they show up. These are the times that we don’t quit.

Being betrayed is a terrible feeling. Especially when we made ourselves vulnerable to the betrayer. The cherry on top is we made ourselves vulnerable to their words. It’s a double edged sword. The hatred is a normal feeling. It’s not healthy to hold on to it for too long. Search yourself and find the root of it. That’s where your answers lye.

Brother, you don’t have to justify anything. None of us do here. I truly hope that you’ll stay with us, but I understand if you need time away. If you do take time away, use it well and stay the course.
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« Reply #12 on: April 23, 2020, 10:14:07 AM »

Thank you for sharing deep stuff.

So you have responded in my posts here and I appreciate what you share.

I agree about the strong feelings.

Sometimes I wonder what is up with my thinking.
No one understands my journey, to the point now that only a select few know any details of my real life.

It's good to be able to share here.
It's a very select group who have incredibly specific experiences dealing with one common topic.  It's beautiful.

I have been inside this roller coaster for 13 years in September.

I met him after being divorced for 6 years, my second serious r/s.

So for 30 years almost I spent 17 in dysfunctional (not bpd --probably npd, I haven't actually researched npd) marriage and then almost 13 with pwBPD.
That's a big chunk of my life to be in dysfunction...

What I am attempting to cultivate is an appreciation of me.  Who am I.  What do I want.

Can I string together some good memories about me.  Can I laugh more.

It seems I have been so hard on myself for so long.
So much so that it is hard to say anything nice about myself.  Up there in my head is a critic who never sleeps.

Thank you for being here.  By here I mean on this planet, in this journey.





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« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2020, 12:18:54 AM »

Crom, homie its like this. I do not need to give you 4 reasons. I only need to give you 1...just 1. Its scary. Its hard. But you must do it anyway...Do YOU. That is all. Seriously. Quit over analyzing. Quit thinking about every angle. You are damn smart and intelligent, but so much so that you outsmart yourself and as a result you keep yourself in a vicious circle and cycle. Its almost as if you are playing chess against yourself and having a conversation with yourself like oh now I'm mad that myself made that move. Self why did you do that? Oh that is not supposed to happen. Bro...chillax.

I'm speaking to you from a down to earth level. I do not need to get into the higher level and intellectual style. Nah...you do enough of that yourself and to yourself might I add. Quit it man. At this point bro...you just need to pull out the baby powder and smack the B*tch out of yourself. You are holding onto this. LET. IT. GO! For the record...who gives a sh*t what she does. YOU matter. She doesn't. On a friend level here home slice...get out of your own way. Hell with what you are laying out here you are essentially creating your own self-sabotage. Dammit bro...let yourself bask in the glory of moving on and regaining your life for YOU and only YOU. Say this with me now...I bow at no one's altar but MY OWN!

You have conversed with me enough to know I am all about internal validation. You have to do it your own way though. That is my whole point of DO YOU! I don't want people following my path. Follow your own. You do not need my approval or anyone else's.

Do not waste one more second on that woman. Nuff said!

#bropound

Cheers and best wishes to you good sir!

-SC-

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« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2020, 02:31:59 AM »

Excerpt
Has any one here actually got better

Oh yes, definitely, when I read my post from a few weeks ago (the one where I wrote her a letter for instance) I just cringe a lot. I was so so desperate but like I8kgrl said, I know see it was all in my head.
I think it's perfectly normal to have ups and downs and it's all part of the healing process, hang in there!
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« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2020, 07:21:52 AM »

Crom,

Yours (the two of you) was not a good relationship. She acted badly. You retaliated multiple times and leveled her. If hatred and revenge are a cure, you would have been cured long ago.

Betrayal is painful. And you showed her how painful. You slept with her friends. Invalidation is painful - you played with her when she tried to reconnect. This was your (and hers) Battle of Okinawa. You two fought until you couldn't fight anymore. The causality rate was staggering.

The war is now over. It was over two years ago. The wounds on both sides are now scars. The reason for fighting is mostly obscured in time.

What happened this week that has you wired? Can you put you arms around that and share? These feelings you have for her right now and very much related to something happening in your life today. What is it?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2020, 07:50:25 PM »

Im ok now, everyone and thanks for being there. I snapped out of it.

Just multi-factored I guess, too much to drink, going on facebook, setting off the cascade of the tsunamai of thoughts. Nothing couldnt revert from. No message got sent, no door walked to. Wouldve taken 3hours under sober conditions anyway, guess she wasnt worth the trek and breaching the lockdown rules, playing into her hands by all that attention. No, it didnt happen, wasnt worth the calories or handing over the self respect. no contact, I take it seriously, almost literally. I heard also she has a new relationship and its in the same neighbourhood in the same small town I live. So what though, not fazed by it. Thanks for being there though, I found your messages when I woke up and sobered up, im back on track, thank you all.
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« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2020, 09:49:30 PM »

One thing I try to remind myself when I feel hatred towards her is: Hate BPD, not the person it enslaves. Hope it helps.
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JNChell
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« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2020, 03:35:07 PM »

Glad you’re still with us, and also glad to know that you didn’t make contact. That could’ve gone very wrong for both of you. I think it’s fair to address Skip’s question about what had you triggered? It’s more than ok to feel triggered. It’s also very important to recognize what is triggering us. I can remember you participating on the PSI board a while back, but decided it was a bit much at that point in time. You’ve become more active there recently, which is great. Does that have anything to with it?

You’re not a hateful person. You’ve been vengeful and played that rage out in unhealthy ways. That is not a judgment, it’s an observation by what you’ve journaled here. I think that needs to be addressed eventually, but it is also in the past.

I used to go to these places in my mind. She knew everything about me, yet she decided to use it against me and upended my life. The last sentence to that, is that I let her. I danced the dysfunctional dance with her.

My friend, their comes a point where we have to look inward. Identify what has truly hurt us and allowed us to be attracted to women, that once again hurt us. Then we put the real work in.

You have a very strong ego and are very intelligent. Don’t let the two break each other.

How are you feeling?
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« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2020, 08:03:28 PM »

JNChell I answered Skip, the alcohol the conduit to the going to her facebook and disinhibited the memories along with it the repressed hatred. Which in todays terms, I feel a huge burden lifted in doing so.

Im fine, optimistic, most of all very happy to have this rock of a community, its like all of us in our wagon trail together. I see you more as the bard but equally all american hero ready without hesitation to deal with whatever needs done, for whats right. I cant hit the side of a barn door, but ive got your back when the piano stops, glass breaks and bar fight starts Smiling (click to insert in post)

I really appreciate you all being here and each time I feel closer to detaching, less frustrated too at thinking "when will I get there"?

Some days I feel a real happiness and reconnect to the spirit, I often dont post because it feels out of place to do so. I notice also now a lot of issues, I suspect the covid backdrop is part of that. Theres always stuff going on in the periphery and even outside it. Well youve always been there JNChell, gunning them down when ive not even realised they were there. Im always here for you and ill see you on the parenting board again soon.
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JNChell
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« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2020, 08:36:18 PM »

Sounds good.
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