Never ending drama with my husband's ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello! New here and happy to find a safe place. My husbands ex seems he’ll bent on never letting us be. I would consider myself a strong person and I have not allowed her to get to me which I think has made her even angrier. After my husband and I were married, 30 days later we were served with a child support modification. We agreed to settle immediately, but she won’t settle. The financial outcome is the same if we go to court or we don’t. She just wants to drag it out.  She creates drama with the kids and will not relent. I have my own two children I bring to  the marriage and my ex and I don’t have these issues. Some days I feel like I should just leave. I love my husband and he’s a kind and loving person but the ex uses the kids as pawns to guilt him into doing whatever she wants. The kids are all messed up too. It’s awful. I feel like I’m trying so hard to protect my family and it feels like I am at war with an impossible enemy. Any advice/support greatly appreciated.

[ChaosNoMore01]

Hello! New here and happy to find a safe place. My husbands ex seems he’ll bent on never letting us be. I would consider myself a strong person and I have not allowed her to get to me which I think has made her even angrier. After my husband and I were married, 30 days later we were served with a child support modification. We agreed to settle immediately, but she won’t settle. The financial outcome is the same if we go to court or we don’t. She just wants to drag it out.  She creates drama with the kids and will not relent. I have my own two children I bring to  the marriage and my ex and I don’t have these issues. Some days I feel like I should just leave. I love my husband and he’s a kind and loving person but the ex uses the kids as pawns to guilt him into doing whatever she wants. The kids are all messed up too. It’s awful. I feel like I’m trying so hard to protect my family and it feels like I am at war with an impossible enemy. Any advice/support greatly appreciated.

[worriedStepmom]

Welcome to BPDFamily.  I'm sorry you're having so much trouble.  How old are your stepkids, and how are they showing that they are struggling?

I'm a stepmom (there are a lot of us here) of SD12, whose mom is undiagnosed BPD (uBPD), and I also have 2 biokids.  My ex and I are GREAT coparents, and my ex and my H shared responsibilities well when I had business trips.  H and I have been married 7 years, and it's only recently that things have calmed down with his ex.

Tell us more about what's going on in your house.  Chances are someone has experienced something similar and we can help you brainstorm ways to handle it.

[Panda39]

Hi ChaosNoMore01,

I've been there too.  I met my partner during his separation, at that time the kids were 11 & 15.  We went through all kinds of drama too...parental alienation, and false allegations of abuse and a million smaller things.  I hear you it can be really overwhelming.

It's hard but you need to let go of thinking she's rational, because she's not.  She's dragging things out to feed the drama and have your Husband's attention on her (negative attention is still attention).  Let go of the idea that she will do the rational thing and settle, dealing with a BPDex is a "hope for the best and expect the worst" kind of scenario.  You can only do what you can do...which is take the high road and do the rational thing, or the thing that is best for the kids.  She will do what she's going to do and you will end up in court and she will look pretty silly when you've made a fair offer and she refused it, she will show herself to be who she is.

My other advice is spend sometime with your husband with ex-wife talk banned from the conversation.  Focus on the two of you and strengthen your bond as a couple. 

Self-care is also important - take a time out, do things you enjoy, talk with a friend...

Glad you found us I have found this website and it's members really helpful, in terms of support, tools, information and help getting through the major anger I had when I arrived here.

Hang in There,
Panda39

[GaGrl]

I am a step-parent and step-grandparent. My H's children are all adults and were when we married. That didn't make much difference -- H's ex is uBPD/NPD , and we've dealt with drama, manipulation, and abuse over the years. If it isn't directed at us, the abuse is directed at the children (and now the gradchildren), who come to us for insight and support.

I describe our boundaries as being made of "concertina wire" (H is a former infantry officer).

It took quite a while for Ex to understand boundaries, but for the most part, she respects them now. It also took a while for me to work through my own emotions and get past anger and frustration to a level of compassion.

We're glad you've found your way to us.

[livednlearned]

Some days I feel like I should just leave. I love my husband and he’s a kind and loving person but the ex uses the kids as pawns to guilt him into doing whatever she wants.

Well let's help you get that stopped 

What's an example of how he gives in to her?

Maybe we can start with something that's ongoing and see if there are ways to walk alongside you and offer suggestions.

What ages are the kids? What kind of relationship do they have with dad, and with you?