Struggling, need advise.

[Carguy]

Hey everyone, I'm kind of struggling today. I still have not heard from my ex BPD since March 21st when I had her remove her stuff for my property.

 On April 17th I wished her a happy upcoming birthday which was on the 19th. Of course she did not respond. In that message I told her that if she got to a point she want to be back in her life to let me know but I would go back to leaving her alone until then.

Today I am struggling with wondering if she will ever reach out to me again. The big part of me says No from what I have seen in the past. She has only reach out to me maybe a couple of times in the last several years we've been together. I want to reach out and talk to her about the past and tell her about the other girl that i hung out ( while we were part that she is very angry about) with which was only two weeks and we weren't together because I was never over her and I still love her with all my heart. Tell her she went back to her boyfriend and I encouraged it because I knew about not being over somebody. Tell her I couldn't move on and told this girl that I wasn't ready to jump into anything because I wasn't over her. I don't know if these things would help thaw the icyness between us or not. I don't know if reaching out to her will help or not. In the past when I have reached out like that she has came around at times but this time it is really bad between us and I don't know if she would even respond to it or if it would just make things worse. Am i better off to just leave it and hope that she does contact me even though chancea are she might not? Or do I reach out and try to set things right?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi Car

sorry you are struggling.

In my experience, don't want to be needy.

You want to be dependable, strong, constant.

You gave bday message.

Be dependable, strong, constant.

Allow the missing of you.  Allow.

Get yourself involved in something that excites you.

A hobby.  a service agreement.

These things are in line with being dependable, strong, constant.

[juju2]

as hard as this is for you.  You are strong, dependable, constant.

Allow.   Allow.  Allow.

Open palm.  Butterfly lands.

[Carguy]

Hi Juju!

I guess my biggest concern is if she never reaches out to me again. I have seen her do it to her former best friend a few years ago and as far as I know all of her exes with the exception of her second ex husband who she shares children with but cannot stand.

I don't know if being in a longer relationship with her than those others with the exception of the second husband counts for anything or not. All of her other relationships that I know of were very short lived. A lot of them only a month or two. Her first marriage was only seven months if I remember correctly.

I know that even though last Autumn she started pushing me away and told me we were just friends and when I asked about dating she told me to go live my life, when I dated this girl for a couple of weeks it triggered her worse than I have ever seen. A couple of times she seemed to soften a little and respond but then goes right back to cold and at this point he ignores me if she sees me and will not respond to messages.

I just wonder if telling her those truths about this other girl would start to thaw the ice or not. It just saddens me that I might not ever hear from her again and makes me question if I should try to talk to her. In the past she kept telling me that I needed to push through her walls. I don't know if this is one of those times or not.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Carguy-

These days of isolation have given many of us too much time for rumination.  I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.  I know it’s very difficult... to want to explain, to defend yourself and past actions that you saw as harmless.  She likely doesn’t want to hear it.  Not yet anyway.  And if you try, her reaction may leave you feeling worse.

I wouldn’t take the chance right now.

I’ve got a question CG...

How long has it been that you have purposely gone to do your shopping at Walmart when she is NOT at work?

Every time you go when she is there and she ignores you, your grief is heightened.  Even driving by her car in the parking lot heightens your grief.  There is no real distance for you from your pain. 

Maybe, just maybe if you *purposely* do NOT visit the store during her work hours, she will wonder where you are.  Maybe after some period of time she will then open some type of dialogue with you. 

I have found it is never good to try and explain myself while in a heightened state of emotions.  If you can take the time to settle these emotions, if and when the day comes for a conversation, the outcome may be more positive than it would be today.

So in the meantime, it needs to be self-care for you.  Give yourself forgiveness for the fact you went on a few dates with someone last fall.  The tipping point in your R/S had already taken place, from what I gather.  You didn’t *cause* this.  Not by yourself... no.

Please take good care, my friend.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Carguy]

Thanks Gem!

Thankfully I haven't had to be isolated. My job is considered essential so I still go to work and living in a rural area I can still get outside and enjoy nature on my atv or work in my shop or on my farm. 

Really my biggest fear is she won't talk to me again and I'll lose her out of my life forever. She has kind of reached out a couple of times in the recent past but has became very cold and silent lately. I'm sure telling her I needed her vehicles removed from my property in two weeks didn't help. She told me after Valentine's she only wanted to communicate about her vehicles or cats and nothing else. In March I think she started seeing someone else (though I'm not sure now) so I told her I wasn't trying to be a jerk but doing that so we didn't need to communicate. She said we weren't good for each other.

Since then complete coldness.

I did stop going to Wal-Mart and I take a different route to work so I don't have to go past her place. I started that April 3rd. It seems to help a little. I shop at the other grocery store in our town. It costs a little more and a couple of times I has to go to Wal-Mart but only twice while she was working and I just stayed at the other end of the store to avoid her. I admit I would go in there in the past in hopes of seeing her. Same with going down her road to work.

She has told me she has a hard time reaching out. I'm not sure if she will.

[Carguy]

Okay so I have been doing some thinking today and I just would like some opinions here. I know it would be just opinion and pure speculation and there is no guarantee but things I have observed and wondered.

Maybe this it's just me trying to comfort myself and remain hopeful but things I have observed the last while with my ex BPD make me wonder if maybe she is still holding on and will come back when she's ready?

Things I have observed in the recent past:

1. In November I started seeing that other girl for a couple of weeks and triggered my ex the worst I have seen. In late December I seen her in the grocery store and talk to her and several times when I would get ready to leave she would ask another question like she wanted to keep the conversation going. Maybe missing me? I asked her about hanging out New Year's Eve and she said she would think about it. Three hours later she flips back and through text tells me no and to leave her alone.

2. a week or so later in January She text me and told me if keeping her Vehicles there was a problem to let her know and that she needed to pick up her dirt bike. I told her they were fine and I could bring her dirt bike to her on my way to work. She really appreciated that. A few days later she text me and asked me if I could watch her kids while she worked. I accepted.

3. A few times in the grocery store I stop to talk to her and she gets angry telling me she needs space again. Reversed again.

4. Before Valentine's Day I messaged her concerned about one of her kitties at my house. She doesn't respond. I stopped by her apartment to verify she received the message. She gets angry. I leave. Later that night she texts me and tells me she only wants to talk about her kitties or her vehicles on my property. I agree and tell her I think it's best if I go no contact. Two days later she sends me a message apologizing for the first time in years and completely did a 180 and wants to hear my open hearted text that I asked if I could send a few weeks earlier.

5. Valentine's Day I buy her flowers and take Them to her at work. She is very excited and hugs me several times like she can't get enough of me and tells me how much they mean to her. A couple of days later she reverses and tells me to only message about her cats or vehicles.

6. Several weeks later I have reason to believe she is seeing someone else so I asked her to remove her vehicles. She said I would have to keep the cats because she has no place for them. I am still not sure if that means they are mine now or I am still holding them for her.

7. Icy coldness now and no communication but several weeks ago she sends my 16 year old son a friend request on Facebook. They were close  but I find this kind of odd.  at the request of his mother he does not accept.

8. With the exception of a picture of candy in my flower bed from Easter several years ago that she must have deleted recently, she still has pictures of her and my son, me and my son, my son only, and just me in her Facebook album from years ago. In February when she did a 180 she also unblock me on Facebook after a year and a half. When she did that I changed the privacy settings on several of my pictures of her and I (anticipating a friend request from her) to friends can view and some to public. A few days later I noticed she must have done the same on some of hers because some newer pictures of us suddenly popped up. None of these have been taken down yet. Part of me wondered if she forgot they're on there but when she changed the settings on more pictures of us I would think she knows they're there.

9.  although I had reason to believe she started seeing someone else, I have not seen her profile picture change to a couple's picture. The guy before me she had a couples picture of them (month long relationship) and then within days of the beginning of our relationship she had a couple's picture up of us.

10. Up until a month ago when I quit going to Walmart or Past her place to work, There were a couple of things that made me wonder. The first and most peculiar one was at the end of my lunch break when I had to run to Home Depot. As I approached her apartment complex she was parked across the street on the side of the road (on her lunch break) in her vehicle on the phone instead  of pulling into her complex and going into her apartment or sitting in her parking space in the parking lot.  On the way back I pulled over and she looked at me but did not roll her window down so I'm mouth asking if she was okay. She held up her phone to Signal she was on the phone so I left. The only time I have ever  seen her park there in the several years we've been together was when they were repaving her apartment complex parking lot years ago. 2 days earlier she was going to lunch and I was coming back from lunch and she turned onto that street in front of me so she knew I was still using the street.

11. A week or so later I had to run into Walmart and stayed on the side away from the pharmacy. I ran into her friend who also ignores me and when I left strangely enough as I backed out in my car she was sitting against the building on the phone right in front of the row I had to travel down to exit to the highway. One of my friends believe she is doing this to keep herself in my view.

12. When I text her April 17th and told her I wished her a happy upcoming birthday on Sunday, I also told her if she ever got to a point she wanted me back in her life to please let me know but until then I would go back to leaving her alone. It popped back up on my phone that she had read the message so obviously she is curious enough to open the text to read it. She did not respond which in a way I was Glad she did not because in the past when she is angry like this, her response can be very hurtful. Part of my thought on this is with her if she did not want me back in her life in the future she could have text back and told me she never wants me back in her life and to leave her alone. To me she read the message so it seems like she wants to hear what I have to say but wants to not respond to maybe punish me more or watch me keep fighting for her/try to win her back.

Like I said, these observations might just be my wishful thinking but does it sound logical? Is this just my wishful thinking or possible signs that she doesn't want to let go yet?

[Carguy]

I also forgot to add that she still has a couple of my family members as friends on her Facebook still and interacts with them. She also has my ex-wife's parents friended on there as well and interacts with them too.

[juju2]

CG.

what I believe is, I have focus on myself.

what are things I enjoy, what things do I consider positives in my life.

Write these down.

Is there someone, guy friend, you can spend time with.  I know it's hard with stay at home.

also, is there something you can schedule for yourself in the future, you can put on your calendar, to look forward to.?

there is always hope for your relationship.  Spending this time focusing on myself is the best thing I can do no matter how this turns out...

I want to have a life that i like.

[juju2]

Carguy

I have to do things that are good for me.  I don't know when my relationship will come back.  if I sit and ruminate (someone said I was ruminating--i had to look it up)--if I sit and ruminate on each and every detail of what he does or doesn't do, what this means, that other thing means...i have done this and it is crazy making. 

the only way out for me is to create-- even tiny things-- I enjoy.  I got a few plants.  I got an audible account.
it starts to help.

[Carguy]

Thanks Juju.

I guess really I am ruminating and looking at all those things trying to decode them and reassure myself that they are signs of that she does still have feelings for me and that will return eventually. No one can really be sure but until then I really do need to focus on myself. It really is hard when I am missing her so much.

I have been trying to focus a little more on my car restoration project but with all of this between her and I sometimes it is very hard to get motivated to do it.

Unfortunately my guy friends live a ways away from me. I've been thinking I need to get out of town and go see my one friend though.