Exhausted

[Bythelake]

Hello,

I broke up with my boyfriend this week. My boyfriend has never been diagnosed with BPD but he has a lot of similar traits. I was feeling exhausted from his constant mood swings and felt like I was walking on egg shells. I never wanted to upset him. I never want to change someone but I feel like he needs help.

I had a hard time communicating my feelings to him. I think I didn’t do it in the best way. Sometimes it would anger him more. We would fight and argue with each other. I would talk to other people about the relationship to try to make sense of his behavior. Everyone wanted me to leave him. I feel the most guilty about talking to other people about the relationship but not him.

It got to a point where I didn’t feel like myself. I was adjusting myself so he wouldn’t get upset. Or if something did upset me I ended up lashing out back at him. I didn’t like that I did that. This past week I felt like I had enough and ended it. For him, it was totally out of the blue. He said a lot of hurtful things in the process. When I tell him about the hurtful things he has said to me he doesn’t remember them. He says I should just move forward, not think about the past. But I’m holding on to these thoughts all the time in my head, I can’t let them go.

Good memories come in my head too. He can be so loving and caring at times. That’s why it makes letting go so hard.

I felt like it was a call for help by ending the relationship. I have started to see a therapist to process how I feel. It has been helping but it’s only been a week of processing so it still feels so messy in my head.

[thejimmy]

Yeah, I get you. That's the same feeling that drove me to break up with her twice. I was mentally exhausted and I just couldn't imagine living like that forever.

I didn't know about BPD then, and I only found out about it a few days ago. So it might be too late for me ... but, a big thing to realise here is 1. that your boundaries were probably not on point and 2. that you were probably feeding the fire with you behaviour. I know, I was doing both.

I'd say think about the good times. When everything was "okay". Was it what you really wanted?

I think the drama can be handled. First by tweaking your own behaviour, by setting strong boundaries and validating their feelings, avoiding things like JADE (Judge, Argue, Defend, Explain) and then by helping him have more awareness and learn new behaviours for when he gets emotional.

I know what it's like to walk on eggshells, and because I was "accepting" it for so long, I sometimes didn't feel like myself even when things were good because I couldn't say what's really on my mind, cause I wanted to avoid another fight or argument. She couldn't take criticism. Even the slightest hint from my side that she's wrong about something, and she would prepare the army for war... I didn't know how to handle that. It was my first relationship, so I didn't really have a baseline for what is acceptable and what is not.

I think you still have time to mend things. He is probably feeling the pain right now and is willing to do anything to fix this.

I'm also confused to be honest, and it's been 5 months since the breakup... One part of me thinks we can make it work. And the other is like, you deserve to be treated better. I really believe if I had better boundaries, I wouldn't have suffered so much. But then again that wouldn't have solved the main issue.

I think that knowing about BPD you're in a much better place. Is he worth it?

Only you know the answer.

[Mutt]

Hi Bythelake,



I’d like to join thejimmy and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you found your way here to this forum in this way. A breakup with a pwBPD is not easy, the r/s is not easy either but the break up is an experience that members on this forum can relate with and it can be hard if not impossible to find others with similar experiences in real life.

When I tell him about the hurtful things he has said to me he doesn’t remember them. He says I should just move forward, not think about the past. But I’m holding on to these thoughts all the time in my head, I can’t let them go.

This is typical BPD behavior. If you sweep everything under the rug like he asks then you’re basically telegraphing to him that the behaviors are ok with you which obviously it isn’t because you stuck up for yourself and broke it off. The other thing is when you sweep things under the rug like that eventually these issues will come out again later on down the road because they’re not dealt with. Obviously you already understand this but the BPD logic doesn’t repair a r/s, if anything it’s going to cause resentment because he is being selfish becayae he doesn’t want to change his behavior he wants you to accept it or for you to change etc.

I’m glad to hear that you’re talking to a T and now you’re here.

Can I ask, if he was blindsided with this typically you’ll see certain BPD patterns after a break up and one pattern is that they’ll keep attempting to get you back and sometimes they keep lashing out and sometimes the go no contact with you because they have someone else.

How are you doing?

Has he kept trying to contact you? Are you contacting him?