Living separately from BPD Spouse

[Wye Valley UK]

Thank You so much for the invaluable resources. I have listened to 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' & read 'The Essential Family Guide to BPD.'

I am convinced my husband is a high functioning BPD with covert narcissistic traits. We were together for 2.5 yrs & then split up because of the relationship breakdown (there was a 6 week cycle where he would keep a log of all the things I had done wrong / not done & reveal them all at once in what I labelled 'a critical list').

We had discovered 'Real Love' by Greg Baer & continued a journey to understand unconditional love. During that exploration & healing, we did not see each other for 2 years. When we met again as friends, it appeared my now husband had changed & was loving, kind & committed to a relationship with shared finances (which had never happened before - I always thought him to be tight). My husband has worked hard & acquired a number of properties that he rents out.

After the 2 year split, the apparent change brought us together in relationship & with a newly developed faith (Christianity), I believed we had a good foundation for marriage. After marriage, my husband then separated our finances & although he has now retired early & earns 3 times or more what I earn from his properties, we contribute half each to all costs for the house & joint items. This is not what we agreed on engagement - everything had been pledged to be used from one pot.

Since marriage & a move to our home 20 months ago, my husband has isolated me from my mother & friends & I am not allowed any of my friends to our home because he does not want to be around them. When a Canadian friend of mine was visiting & we had planned one night at the house, he changed his mind 2 days before & I had to make alternate arrangements, which upset me greatly.

We live in a rural location & rely on the internet for WiFi calling as we do not have a landline. My husband unplugged the internet at one time & following that unpleasant incident, we agreed that the internet would always remain on for my safety & contact to the outside world. We also made an agreement for me to access a room in one of his houses to give us space should we need time apart.

Following a month away on holiday before lockdown, we arrived home & my husband stated that I should not work during the Covid 19 outbreak. I told him I would work my committed 3 shifts as a nurse in Police Custody & he showed his disapproval by moving into another room of the house & giving me the silent treatment. He told me I was not to work after those shifts. After 2 weeks, I couldn't stand it. I had requests to work daily & have a genuine desire to help being a nurse. I raised the subject & told him I was getting daily requests to work. He told me, we have had that conversation, we're done on that matter. I tried to explain that I wanted to work & then I got his usual critical rant for an hour & a half. He then showed his disapproval by moving into another room in the house & would not communicate for 3 days. During this time he took the lead out of the back of the TV so I could not watch it stating -'I bought the TV so you are not going to watch it!'

He must have been outside the room when I was on the telephone to my mother & I told her about the TV lead, we laughed nervously, I was becoming concerned. After that call he turned the internet off all day (Easter Sunday). I reminded him of our previous agreement not to turn the internet off or I would have no choice but to leave. I heard him have normal conversations with passing neighbours (that always confuses me as it then appears to be a choice to control me).

I started packing my car & he asked where I was going so I told him 'Wood Mead' - one of his houses that was now empty as the university had closed & all the students had given notice & left. He told me I could not go there & again I reminded him of our previous agreement. He then blocked my car in the driveway & told me if you leave I will be ahead of you & change the locks so you will not have access to the property.

When I went to leave he departed quickly & I knew he would go to change the locks (which he did). Without internet I could not make a call. There were no hotels open due to lockdown so I went to a neighbour to call a friend & arranged to stay with her. During the week with my friend we managed to put word out & I have a short term cottage let during lockdown as no-one is visiting places away from home. Depending on lockdown restrictions I am not sure how long I have this place for?

After reading your material & knowing I have to set limits & boundaries, I feel like I need my own place so I do not have to stay & put up with rants & rages & put unnecessary stress on myself if I have to leave. I want to ask him to buy me a 2 bedroom house (which he can afford given his multiple streams of income). I feel this would demonstrate a commitment to work at our marriage. If he refuses, I will then return to work full time on a permanent contract & after 6 months apply for a mortgage. If he does refuse (which I expect he will), then I will see that I do not matter & will likely take legal advise - although I really do not want to go that route as I know it will be hell.

With the understanding that BPD has also a biological cause, I can have compassion. With our marriage based on Christian values & principles I would be willing to see if in time we can overcome some of our difficulties - although I recognise that if he doesn't seek help (unlikely as a high functioning BP with covert narcissistic traits), our marriage is likely doomed.

Now more than ever, I can see the need for my friends. Had I let everyone go completely I would not have had a place to stay during a lockdown situation & never want to experience the helplessness of that.

In your experience, do you think I am making the right decision to get my own place to live so I can come & go from our marital home depending on his moods & when I want to see my friends? I know it will anger him to ask him to buy me a home of my own, however, he can afford it & I need to see that he values me & what I bring to the marriage as I cannot match him in finance, assets & skills (he is a carpenter & has additional building trade skills), I just always feel I owe him every time he completes something at home. I cannot always be home to give my time to support him as I am working to pay my half of our expenses.

We do of course have good times. He is now sending texts after one month away & telling me he loves me...I am grateful for your advise & any suggestions you might have. Thank You. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear WVUK-

Welcome to our community.  I am truly sorry for the pain that brings you here, however you do seem to have your eyes pretty open to the things your H is doing.

Has your H been diagnosed with BPD?  And if so, has he ever been in treatment or therapy of any kind that you know of?

I’m glad that you recognize the narcissistic aspects of his behavior.  I hope I don’t sound too harsh (not my intention), but I’m wondering whether you recognize the extent of the narcissistic abuse and manipulation aimed squarely at you.  Those behaviors are pretty overt... at least based on what I personally experienced.  In two relationships.

Please look at that abuse and control closely.  Adopting a religious faith together doesn’t matter if you’re being forced to sever ties with your mother and friends.  People with strong narc traits are very persuasive.  We WANT to believe the words.  But my friend, it’s the actions...the actions.  And those can be brutal.  And severely impact your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Have you asked yourself “why” you feel you *owe* your own husband something... ANYTHING ... when he does something in the home you share?  Why?  That’s a real question?  Why?

A text professing “love” is not a kind action.  It’s a text.  It cannot be measured against disconnecting the internet so you are unable to connect to the outside world.  Or against his rushing off to change the locks so you cannot stay at the vacant house he owns.

Will he recognize your need to have a safe space to lay your head at night?  I don’t know.  Will he assist with financing that?  Probably not.  If he does, will YOU feel you *owe* him forever?  Does that give him control over you forever?  Does he dictate the rules over the home he purchases for you?

I wish I could offer you a more positive outlook.  It’s just that I twisted myself inside out trying to soothe and teach empathy to my extremely volatile BPD/NPD bf for so so long.  I tried to teach him that telling the truth was an okay thing to do.  And then one day I realized some people are just not reachable.  I now understand the extent of his sickness.  I have to remain very quiet.  He needs to think we’re on a break. I was lured back so many times.  And I’m afraid for him to know this is the final break-up.

Please do all you can to keep your friends and family IN your life.  And keep posting here.

And thank you for being a nurse.  Please stay safe and healthy.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Wye Valley UK]

Dear GemsforEyes,

Thank You for the reality check. My H has not been diagnosed BPD (one time he was in bed for 3 days - just eating meals I prepared, I sat beside him & rubbed his back & said I was concerned about his mental health. He went beserk & throwing items around the room)! As the books have taught me, you cannot suggest there is a problem to a high functioning BPD & a narcissist probably wouldn't see the problem.

That said, we have had coaching for personal growth & relationship help over the last 5 years & he was doing well when he was in daily contact with a coach, having the occasional outrage. No other treatment.

In terms of why I feel I owe my husband when he works in the home is probably because he can only see that things are given in equal measure of return. Of course life doesn't work that way. His answer to pretty much everything is that he cannot give it freely so it doesn't happen. Thats often just about a friend coming for lunch.

This week I wrote him an email as I need somewhere to live from June & being as he does not want me home I asked if he would buy me a house (which he could afford). He miraculously changed his mind stating I could probably move back home living a distance with mask & gloves & text to use the kitchen. He also said we could alternate sleeping in our bed & an air mattress as the upstairs of the house is under plastic sheets ready to paint. One of the jobs he has refused to do until I am more compliant (my words).

I told him that wouldn't work for me & wrote an email to confirm I would need a place of safety from his rants & rages & now he has his house up with an agent to rent, there will be no other place for me to go. He said this made him feel unsafe & he transferred a large portion of our joint account funds into his personal account. I have my own money as I have refused to put all funds in one pot because this is what he does when he says he is afraid. All other times he transfers the money back once we come to an agreement?

Ive looked at my options & I am wondering if I should apply for an injunction & an occupancy order to the courts to secure a place to live (before the empty house gets rented?) Even if I do not pursue with a solicitor to separate right now it would buy me time to get housing & finance in place. I have compassion as I see his struggle. It's as if he doesn't want to act the way he does but somehow cannot help himself?

It's great to have this community to share. I will check here more often & learn from others posts. Thank You.

Best Wishes
WVUK