Questions about my recent ex pwBPD

[space_and_time]

Hi everyone,

I never had any experience or knowledge of BPD. After the break up, I researched for two months along with advice from my therapist that my ex was a pwBPD

I met this really awesome guy in November. When I first met him, he seemed very affable and very interesting. And then all the textbook phases happened right after that. I was love bombed, I became his favorite person, we meshed, first all about me , I was put-on a pedestal, then it was about him needing validation, etc. I saw him smearing people, I saw some rage, the black the white thinking, I observed a child personality within him that came out every now and then. I was devalued and eventually discarded. Not sure if he split me then but afterwards I pushed back hard and then I think I was split black and (hopefully) forgotten. He mentioned near the end almost in passing that he thought he had bi polar disorder. So its clear to me that my pwBPD is undiagnosed, maybe?. I have lots of questions.

First all, do they have any idea what is happening? It seemed like my pwBPD was on autopilot. Like what he was doing from his p.o.v. was normal and he was behaving in a very normal way. Is it like a pattern of thinking? My feeling is they are almost programmed this way and are walking through the motions?

The inner child. This child came out when I was goofing around with him. Instead of saying hey enough, stop, this child would come out and make extreme faces. In fact, I have pictures of that experience. It was like I'm done now, please stop. They were extreme, like he was being abused? Same if I was tickling him. He could never say stop, the child would come out, almost defenseless. And sometimes after sex, I would want to cuddle, the child would come out and gently push back and in a child-like voice, would say no, he would put his clothes on and kind of run out of the room. Does anyone have experience or see that happening with their pwBPD? The sex ended up being just sex, no cuddling in the end. And then he would sleep on the other side of the bed.

Another thing I noticed was he couldn't ever express his emotions. In the beginning, (again) I saw a shy vulnerable boy almost, but he never said, hey I'm interested. And the appearance of that shy child really confused me. But if he was angry or frustrated, sometimes he would communicate in what I likes to say are riddles. I still had no idea what he was talking about. So curious if any of you out there experienced something like this?

I"m on the road to recovery. I have a therapist, and on antidepressants and anti anxiety. It was just too much at the end. But so glad I found this site. I have also built a network of friends to help me out too. Curious what some of you have to say about what I observed...

[JNChell]

Hi, space_and_time. Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us. The good news is that we help and support each other here. We’re a peer based support group that really “gets it”. You’ve found a good place here.

Bi-polar and BPD can often look very similar and are often times misdiagnosed. I’m curious, when he’s feeling down and behaving questionably, is it for an extended amount of time? Like weeks at a time? Or is it like a switch? He can explode, leave the room and come back 10 minutes later like nothing happened? We can’t diagnose anything here, but a lot of us share very similar experiences.

do they have any idea what is happening?

Personality issues are on a spectrum. Some folks may be aware of the chaos that they are perpetuating, but have trouble being vulnerable and openly admitting their behaviors. Others, on the extreme end can actually slip into psychosis. The reptilian brain/fight or flight is doing nothing more than responding. Everything that they are taking in is filtered through their core shame. Intimacy scares the hell out of them, but they can’t be alone.

Unfortunately, a lot of this is attributed to arrested development. Basically, getting stuck, mentally, at a point in childhood due to trauma or some other issue/s. The child is still present in the adult, but not necessarily in an adorable way. It’s the damaged child that shows themselves. An important part of the psyche that is frozen in time for lack of better words. This is simply speculation, but there is a possibility that he was never able to express his emotions or talk to his parents in a way that allowed this part of him to grow in a positive way. Arrested development. Just to be clear, there is nothing that you could’ve done about this. You can’t change his personality. If that ever happens, it’ll have to be due to his self awareness and effort. Keep that in mind while you’re processing the relationship. Very important.

[space_and_time]

Hi JNChell,

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciated your last comment about not being able to change his personality. I took it to heart. It's been a difficult journey, I ended up in an emergency psych hospital, even with therapy. I knew something was terribly wrong. With medication I'm really able to see it more objectively, also by recalling things that I had noted to myself. The day he broke up with me, we had spent the day together. There was nothing in his body language or interaction that would have suggested it was about to end. And then that evening, he just broke it off. Criticized me about my 'bad behavior'. And then afterwards, when I talked to him, (I was begging at that point) he was just like a completely different person. I didn't recognize him. It was heartbreaking. He didn't understand why I was so upset. I asked him a week later what I said to upset him so much and he told me he didn't remember. Could that be a 'feeling is facts' thing? Instead of really what was spoken? Anyway, JNChell. thanks for the those words.


I’m curious, when he’s feeling down and behaving questionably, is it for an extended amount of time? Like weeks at a time? Or is it like a switch? He can explode, leave the room and come back 10 minutes later like nothing happened?

It was a switch. He was all over the emotional spectrum. When we first started hanging out he would be really silly, emotionally on what seemed like a high. Honestly I found that I was almost studying him as I guess I just felt like he was a little different. But then he would turn around and speak really negatively about one of his roommates (he had 2) and how he was trying to get them kicked out of the house for 'bad behaivor'. )Those words were similar to reasons for my discard.)
I look back now and could interpret that as a smear campaign. The other roommate owned the lease so in retropect, I interpreted that as triangulation when he was smearing the other one. Over the course of our relationship, triangulation was his method of dealing with 'direct' communication. Always trying to get someone on his side and teaming up against a third. When the other roommate made an appearance, he did not directly engage with them, he gave them the silent treatment. Then he would see his cats and excitedly call out to them and would start playing with them. I remember thinking all of this was really odd. You know, I was making notes to myself as all of this was going on.
I felt like he fought to control his negativity, at least at first, when I was around him. He also told me one time on the phone that he was trying to hide a bad side of him from me...

Once the other roommate was gone, he started trying to use triangulation with me against his other roommate. I gave him advice but asked him to leave me out of it. I told him that he needed to own the fight between him and his other roommate. but he still named dropped me which created resentment with the other roommate against me. I could hear him scream at his roommate and then kind of calm down and explain to me what happened, still a little stressed but calming down. He never ever screamed at me or was in a rage at me until the very end. But nevertheless I started wondering when he would direct that negativity at me.

I also remember him having one sided 'arguments' with his roommate. One sided meaning they were always black and white. Trump bad, Biden Bad, Sanders Good, Warren Bad, etc etc. there were other topics as well but only in terms of bad or good. They were more like a chorus.  I just was thinking he was being so black and white. There was no room for the gray. The gray didn't exist. I just felt like that was so odd, I never heard anybody think and express issues quite so extreme. So was really quite shocked when I read about the black and white thinking when I was researching this. It just literally blew me away.

This is just a sliver of my experiences but yes, he just seemed to be all over the place emotionally.