Cant escape

[lost my way]

Hi
First time to ever do this. Left home with my 2 older children(20,23) due to a relationship
with a BPD spouse. Was subjected to multiple spousal infidelities. 4 that I know of spanning about 18yrs of the 28yrs married. Various incidents of problems thru out the marriage. Such as a 4yr span of alcoholism and always somehow being blamed as the reason all of this was done to me by my wife. After leaving i agreed to go to marital therapist who met with myself, my wife individually and together. My daughter also went to a separate therapist at the same office so I know notes were compared by the two therapists. after only 4-5 sessions my therapist told me at our one on one session that my wife had BPD and she was very sure of this diagnosis and that leaving the marriagewas my best option to preserve my own self. I have been away for approx 8 months and due to current financial situation have really not had $ for divorce. I am still being told how terrible a person I am for leaving and that she cheated because I didnt do this or that enough which I dont get. I was and still am a good father,provider and was always home at night. was very hands on with my kids including getting up in middle of night for feedings when they were babies, I cooked 99% of the time and was the main housekeeper of our home yet I was always criticized. My whereabouts was always needed to be known, who was around,what i was doing. It took me 15min to get home from work and if it was more than that I was questioned where I was. I never cheated yet after her infidelities I was told by her that she had "heard" I had with no facts to back up her claims, I know they are not true so Im still waiting on those facts which we both know dont exist. I am still subject to daily phone calls, arguments etc and if i dont answer she will continue to call multiple time until i do. I had a massive heart attack 5yrs ago and still deal with the aftermath of it and was told that stress played a major factor in it. It occurred when I was literally working 3 jobs and continuing my household duties(cooking,cleaning etc..) Theres so much else and I want to be able to just peacefully live my life but cannot due to her relentless pursuit of trying to get me to come back. She accepts very little if any responsibility for her actions as she claims her actions were always the result of something I did. Please help as I am lost as to where to go from here. I cannot afford therapy all the time and feel i got out of it a lot in the few months I went and realized that I was in a no win situation. Both of my children have very strained relationships with their mom which truly bothers me as I just want everyone to get along regardless. I also would like to add she threatens self harm when I dont do as she asks, the therapist has said she is trying to continue to manipulate and put me thru emotional torture. Someone please give me some advise on what to do next, I am lost   Thank you for listening

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear LMW-

Welcome to our community.  I am very sorry for what brings you here, but I’m glad you’ve joined us.

In a very large way, you have escaped.  You’ve left the home you shared with your BPDw, and the constant criticisms, demeaning behaviors and demands.  So you see, you already do possess the strength in you to take control of your life.  And to help the two children who left with you.  Please don’t sell yourself short.

There is a section in the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS section dealing with FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  I’d like you to read that section because this appears to be something that’s making you think you need to engage in ongoing damaging conversations with your W.  You don’t need to do that to yourself.  MANY of us get stuck in the FOG, thinking our partners cannot function without us.  They can, but we somehow convince ourselves that they cannot; and it’s actually us “nons” who need to break free.  It takes work, but you can do it.

And my friend, there’s nothing, NOTHING, no rule... that says you need to speak, Argue, engage at ALL with her on a daily basis, is there?   Just deal with logistics as needed and kindly exit the conversation.  You don’t need to answer every call or text.  And you get to decide that no further phone calls will be taken at all, and that all further communication will be via email if that’s more serene.  Your life, Your choice.

If you are trying to detach, then you’ve got to do things FOR YOURSELF that will help you do just that - detach.  And constantly rehashing the stressful and painful and emotional past will NOT help you detach from this relationship and the hard and intense emotions tied to it.  If on the other hand, you are considering going back(?)... then you want to post on the “Conflicted” board?

On the CONFLICTED or BETTERING board, you’ll find advice on how to work your way back INTO the marriage, if that’s your goal.

Your W’s “threats” of self-harm if you don’t return DO represent emotional blackmail and manipulation.  Your T is correct... and this is a topic we see posted here frequently.  Your W is an adult and she is responsible for her own behavior.  All of it.  You are NOT responsible for her emotional well-being.  And you never were.  (These are not things I “knew”, these are things I learned).  And you were never responsible for her infidelity, lack of trust or alcohol consumption.  She can blame you, point fingers, jump up and down and scream all she wishes. 

And you have the right and the obligation to yourself to close your ears, turn the channel and kindly walk away.

You do deserve to live a peaceful and healthy life.  I am so sorry that you endured a heart attack brought on by that stress.  What a frightening experience... I am hoping and praying you will give yourself this chance for a full recovery.

In addition to reading about FOG, there are so many other resources in the TOOLS section to assist you.  TRIGGERS AND MINDFULNESS is very good... takes a bit to absorb, but really good.

The one thing I would focus on is YOU, not your W.  You.  She’s likely NOT focused on her behavior or improving herself.  She’s focused on what she thinks YOU did WRONG.  That’s how pwBPD/NPD (people with BPD/NPD) generally think.  Blaming you. 

Almost Finally, if she has any traits you consider narcissistic, and you’re having trouble letting go of certain thoughts, there is a therapist I found who has great You Tube videos.  Her name is Dr. Ramani and watching those really helped me process what I’d been through with my BPD/NPDbf AND my exH.  Just search Dr. Ramani narcissist.  I suggest you watch the videos where she’s alone.  Really good information.

And finally... I’ve learned, the hard and painful way... you cannot love someone to wellness.  That doesn’t work.

My friend, you ARE worth healing.  You ARE worth your time.  Please take back your life.  Please stay with us and keep posting.

There is so much good and more to life.  Please Keep your head where your heels are.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[lost my way]

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement, it is nice to hear and I am continuing to try and break free. Today is the first day i have sought out an online forum and your words were echoed by another kind individual who exprssed the same sentiments, your encouragement is really appreciated. I am now going to try to break free and prey that everyone can move on and hopefully get along and be at peace once more. I have a lot of self esteem to get back from this going forward.