lost - confused - scared

[Shakthi]

we had a alcohol  blackout - choke me and I call the cops incident a week ago today.I saved him from jail time and this week has been hell. I have my brother here for a week then I am alone again. The week started as apology and begging to take him back and now is the usual torture. I am reading stop walking on eggshells and trying to stay calm, talk slowly, and protect myself but he is flipping on everything. I decided to stay and give it one last shot. we have two young kids 7 and 4 and two one year old dogs. I am lost. He just told me that i am using some plan that i did 7 years ago - makes no sense. That I am triggering him and making him want to escalate - escalate is what got me to the point of calling  the cops last week. I am really scared. I keep reminding to tell him i am staying. I am willing to talk. I am protecting myself - nothing has worked even a small bit or for a fleeting moment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Dear Shakti,

Thank you for reaching out - and for trusting in this space. It is a wonderful place full of support.

You sound scared. Are you okay - are you safe?

What are your best hopes in reaching out here?

There are many people to listen.

Rev

[Shakthi]

my BPD husband, thinks all my efforts are farce/ false. I am trying, agreed 20 years of just fighting him, him drinking and berating me does not erase in one day. what do I say when his paranoia sets in? How do I have him not escalate? I decided to stay and try one last time. I keep reminding myself and him of that. I tried telling him he is scared - that did not work. I told him I am here and we can talk. Nothing I do is right. there are ao many aspects to this relationship and our life that I am not ready to untangle - I cannot figure out why I am scared to leave (my husband might kill himself and how do i face the kids?) I am alone in this city, no one knows about how complicated my life is. I am afraid to walk away and not sure how to manage this to stay. He is a extremely high functioning, I am struggling and mainly need someone/ people to help me learn how to respond to him, to de-escalate.
 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Shakthi:
I'm so sorry about the problems you are having with your partner.  It has to be tough to not have family or friends close by for support. Sounds like he may be using alcohol as a means to self-soothe.  Is he as difficult to be around, when he isn't drinking?

Do you live in the U.S or another country?
 

what do I say when his paranoia sets in? How do I have him not escalate?

  If you click on the green links below, it will lead you to some helpful information.

ARGUING - DON'T ENGAGE

DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments
 

I am struggling and mainly need someone/ people to help me learn how to respond to him, to de-escalate.

  Sometimes, the best thing to do is to take a time out & don't engage.  A Safety Plan is a good idea.  Read the info. at  the "Safety First" link.  If you don't have a Safety Plan, it would be good to start thinking about a plan.

TAKING A TIME OUT

SAFETY FIRST

If you go to the large green banner, towards the top of the page, you will find a "Tools" menu.  Check out the topics on that list.  "Boundaries" and "Don't Invalidate" are two good areas to start with.  There is a link there to the "Workshop" section.  That's a good section to browse through for things that could give you the most immediate help.

Are you able to share any details about your most recent situation with your partner?  After reading the articles on taking a time out & not arguing, would you have done anything differently?