Setting limits with avoidant behaviours?

[Melissinde]

Hi everybody,

My boyfriend has bpd traits and I am really struggling with dealing with his crisis/episodes: when he has a crisis, he will sometimes have the classic borderline rage but most of the time he first becomes irritated, resentful, snappy and then he will just enter into his internal bunker, ignore me and give me the silent treatment. When he has an overload of emotions or inner struggle he needs a lot of time alone and any emotional request on my part can trigger a crisis. It often happens when we are separated for a week (if he is visiting his family who lives far away, or if I am), his "crisis personality" tends to take over and he can decide all of a sudden that he needs a break from me and not talk to me or lash out if he does and I have an emotional request.

I don't have a problem at all with his need of alone time in itself when it happens. But when those happens it usually is because he is going to enter into a crisis phase (and therefore show no empathy for me, disregard my needs and feelings, do a lot of projecting etc) and it makes me extremely anxious: he has broken up with me twice in the past (and each time it lasted two years), and also used to do plenty of "fake" break up (breaking up during a rage but coming back apologising half an hour later). Our relationship has been more stable than ever since a year, he completely stopped those fake break ups during crisis but I guess I'm still quite traumatised by what happens. Hence why I need a lot of reassurance when we are separated or when he starts being distant.
Those avoidant behaviours hurt me a lot and make me feel really powerless; all of a sudden he can't hear me or connect to me anymore, he is the opposite of what he usually is, he reminds me of the man who completely broke my heart twice.

It's "easy" for me to set limits if he lashes out: I can end the conversation, leave the room, say I'll talk to him when he is calm again.
But how to set boundaries with behaviours like silent treatment, neglect, ignoring..? Walking away seems like surrendering to what he is imposing on me, insisting to talk leads nowhere and is just me imposing my way upon him.. Some pieces of advice would be welcome!

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  Glad you found us and decided to reach out for support.

When he has an overload of emotions or inner struggle he needs a lot of time alone and any emotional request on my part can trigger a crisis.

What sort of crisis?  I assume it is beyond taking space and going quiet, is that correct?  What sort of requests are you making? 

The silent treatment can be a bear to deal with, I know it was for me with my ex and growing up with my mom.  People use silent treatment for different reasons.  Some use it to self-soothe and take a time out and others use it to punish.  Understanding why he is reacting the way he is can make a difference and helped me control my own feelings about it.

I need a lot of reassurance when we are separated or when he starts being distant.  Those avoidant behaviours hurt me a lot and make me feel really powerless; all of a sudden he can't hear me or connect to me anymore, he is the opposite of what he usually is, he reminds me of the man who completely broke my heart twice.

I had he same struggle.  It is hard and it hurts doesn't it?  The thing is, the more you reach out to him and try to connect the more he will withdraw.  At that time, when he is silent or in crisis, chances are he can't see your needs and your pain, never mind help you.

Are you both able to talk about what happens when he is back to baseline?  You can't really put a limit on his behavior and emotional needs so you are right there.  What you can do, maybe, is talk after about how it affects you.  Not to get him to change his behavior but to let him know you do care and have a hard time dealing with it so you will go out, watch TV, go to the gym, etc.  Or is this a deal breaker for you?

Let's talk this out.   

[Melissinde]

Hi, thank you so much for your answer

The sort of requests that can trigger a crisis are anything related to my needs for love/affection/support/reassurance... or talking about the last crisis. It's not everytime fortunately, most of the time he is extremely loving and affectionate. But if he is in a "weird mood" (as he calls it), that's the kind of things that can set him off: if I notice he is distant and asks if everything is alright, if I notice that he is much less affectionate than usual and show some sadness about it.
(I never demand extra love or affection, it just feels weird and disturbing when his mood changes and he disconnects from me but because the transition from baseline to crisis is subtle, I still need to check the temperature.. sometimes he becomes slightly distant just out of distraction for example).
I already do everything I can to show no blame or reproach when I do that and just show it as the expression of my feelings but he will hear blame anyway.
If for instance he asks why I look sad and I answer "you've been quite distant lately, I miss feeling connected to you", he is going to hear "you're a terrible boyfriend, you never meet any of my needs, who gave you the authorization to exist on this planet?"

Either he is going to just snap at me, be extremely disagreeable and then withdraw internally and give me the silent treatment.
Or (or even after the one above if I insist because being shut out like that when having a need for love is extremely hurtful) he is going to lash out and do stuffs like: invalidate my needs (because if my needs are valid and he can't provide right now, he thinks he is a terrible person so it's best to see my needs as invalid), call me needy, childish, unreasonable, do quite a good amount of gaslighting and projection, bring old issues on the table that are irrelevant to the situation, criticize me, trying to prove that this is all my fault and not his fault (while it was never a matter of is there a fault at all in the first place to me), basically he's gonna make me the cause of his problems. Very occasionaly he's gonna yell and throw an object on the floor.

When he's back to himself, he is very aware of how hurtful and unfair his behaviour was and he has a lot of insight on what happened in his mind at that time. But it's hard to push the conversation too far because he feels extremely guilty, so worthless, so can enter again in crisis mode.

It can lead to vicious loop like it did a few months ago where because of a bad crisis I would feel extremely hurt and my trust shattered, he feels very guilty so he wants to forget about it, I need extra reassurance and love because of it and also talking about it to find solutions, those are the things triggering crisis (because it means "you're worthless"), I feel more hurt and him more guilty and so on...

The most recent crisis: we've been at my family's for 2 months and it's been emotionally very overwhelming, he went back at our place a few hundred miles from here Saturday and I was really anxious about that because he had crisis everytime we were separated. He promised me he wouldn't lash out and it wouldn't be like other times. But from the moment he arrived he came distant, I asked for reassurance but he needed time alone and wasn't able to provide. It's been like that since, and we argued yesterday morning because he did exactly what he promised he wouldn't: disregard entirely my feelings and do as he want without trying to make me feel safe in the first place.
(I have no problems with us not talking for a few days if that what he needs, what's really hurtful is that he does it without making what's necessary for me to feel safe like having a talk about it before and listen to my worries)
I didn't believe in his promise at all but I couldn't say that because it would have hurt him a lot.
My thoughts are that he has a responsibility towards dealing with my anxiety because this anxiety is a direct product of the emotionally abusive behaviours he has in crisis (and past breakups). So when he just leaves me to deal on my own with the consequences of his actions, it makes me furious. I know I can't change his behaviour but in those cases I don't really know what to do to stand for myself.

[juju2]

Hi Melissinde

sounds like it has been a roller coaster.

How did you deal with the 2 yr break ups.

I am in the midst of 2 + years.

Thank you
j

[Melissinde]

Hey juju2,

The first time he (S) broke up was 6 years ago, we had only been together for 5 months but I was really in love with him. He broke up after I went back to France after my Erasmus year in the UK where he lived and I was extremely confused and heartbroken: I knew nothing of mental illnesses and personality disorders at the time and he isn't diagnosed so I didn't know what splitting was and couldn't understand why one day I was the love of his life and the day after he would question or relationship (again, and again). We barely kept contact after and I was conviced that was it and we would never see each other again (we lived in different countries, there was no reason for us to meet) but even though the heartbreak got less painful with time, it stayed very much there.

S reached out to me again 2 years later, we started messaging a lot, and I was in a new relationship. I was supposed to go on holidays with friends in the UK and we reconnected there - we were still very much in love, and because my boyfriend at the time (A) was very open-minded we tried a polyamourous relationship (I became romantically committed with both of them, with transparency and honesty and both their consent). It lasted 8 months but it turned out that he couldn't bear "sharing" me with someone else and he left again.. It was during this second relationship that I understood he must have serious psychological issues (and wasn't just a manipulative indecisive person as he could have appeared from the outside).

How did I deal with this new breakup? It was easier I think because I knew he still loved me and that we would probably reconnect at some point. I could just feel it and could see it in our talks, even though he would regularly have crisis, come talk to me, lash out because I hadn't left A for him, stop talking, would come back being calm and 100% understanding, having a new crisis and so on...
We kept in touch and when my relationship with A ended one year and a half ago we went back together.

What made the first breakup really hard for me was that because of the white/black thinking that I wasn't aware of, he had made me believe that he never truly loved me and all we had experienced together had been an illusion. The confusion made it quite hard to move on.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for the additional info.

One of the things that is hard to understand and accept is that we often have expectations that are not realistic and needs that conflict with the others.  I am not saying that as a blame statement, or at least I do not mean it that way.  Simply, your need for a demonstration of love, reassurance, whatever, conflicts with his need for space.  The more you push, the more he will pull away or push back.

Now, that does not mean he is pulling away in a healthy way with his behaviors and how he talks to you.  But that is what he knows and become his go to behaviors when in emotional distress or in the middle of an 'episode'.  You can not change that.  It sounds like he has a tentative awareness when he returns to baseline but he is still emotionally fragile even at baseline and is unable to meet your emotional needs. 

A reality of many of these difficult relationships is that often there is an imbalance in terms of emotional support.  The issue for you then becomes figuring out how to self-soothe without his input and how to manage your own behaviors when he is in an 'episode'.   We have to build up our self and learn to meet our own needs.   And, as the healthier person in the relationship, we have to be the ones to change, get stronger, etc.   Part of that means accepting that you will often not get your needs met.  That the two of you have conflicting needs. 

We have an article here called The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship that talks about this much better than I can.  See what you think and we can talk about it more.

[Melissinde]

I had read this article, it's been very useful for me indeed to help me keep some perspective from the situation and not to take it too personally.

Indeed it is a matter of conflicting needs, you are very acurate in your description of the situation. I don't really have a problem with those needs conflicting and I can perfectly accept to hear he needs some time alone or without contact. What I struggle with is his way of imposing it on me and not taking my feelings into account (nor the anxiety directly born out of his unstable behaviour). I struggle with him making promises like "it's not going to be like last time" and it goes like last time. When he's back at the baseline he feels very guilty about how he acted and shows a desire for change, but it isn't followed by actions.
So I'm wondering if there is a way to set boundaries about his way of pushing me away (I am not invalidating his need for space at all, just his unhealthy way of expressing it), as there are ways to set boundaries with agressive behaviours (walking out of the room, for instance) ?

[Harri]

So I'm wondering if there is a way to set boundaries about his way of pushing me away (I am not invalidating his need for space at all, just his unhealthy way of expressing it), as there are ways to set boundaries with agressive behaviours (walking out of the room, for instance) ?

Ah, got it.  So in addition to continuing to manage your own emotions and keeping your expectations in line with reality the best thing to do is talk with him when he is calm.  It sounds like you already do that yet still tip toe around his getting upset.

So take it a bit at a time.  This pattern has been going on for a while and it will take time to change it.  Next time it happens, when he is calm and contrite you can say something like "I appreciate your desire to change.  The thing is this has happened time and again and I am having a hard time with your promise to never do it again.  I am starting to lose trust and I don't want to do that so we need to work this out".  or something along those lines.  Change it up to suit your style.

Chances are he will push back and he will get upset.  At that point you can calmly say "Why don't we table this conversation for now and get back to it another time" and then change the subject or go do something else.  And then go back to it a couple days later. 

Do you think that will work?

[Melissinde]

Indeed, I do try and talk to him when he is calm again - but I do tip toe around, yes. The thing is, it's all up to me to know whether he is calm or not. I know which mood he is in before he knows and I constantly have to play the mind reader. Sometimes he is gonna have a calm attitude but there is something subtle in the vibe that tells me the wrong conversation could set him off. So usually when it's like that I try and check the temperature by asking if he is okay and if it is okay for him to talk about the previous crisis for instance (sometimes he can feel there is something on my mind and he is gonna insist himself to know what's going on), he is gonna swear and assure me that he is perfectly fine and that I can talk to him, he won't lash out promise.

I never know when his calm attitude hide a genuinely calm spirit or when it's just covering up an upcoming storm, and he seems to know less than I do. My intuition is quite good but because I have become a bit fearful I never know when it's intuition and when it's paranoïa talking.

One of the reason I feel so fearful is that in January, he went back to visit his family in the UK for 10 days, during that separation he was very distant and mean and after he got back, for two months he was always in a "potential crisis mood". I couldn't really talk about the pain his behaviour had caused, and to this was added the pain of not being able to talk about it.. accumulated over two months. He would seem fine, but each of my attempt to talk about how I was feeling ended up in a crisis (even after he had reassured me he was going to listen). For 2 whole months he relinquised all kind of responsibility towards my emotional wellbeing and the harm he caused.
I was feeling trapped because he could feel I was upset and would enquire and if I told the truth he could get upset, and if I tried and pretend everything was okay (not my fav method) he would not believe me and insist to know the truth. And lash out. No way out.
It was the longest period something like that happen, usually he comes back to a state where we can talk but now I never know.

I had considered saying something similar to your proposition, and I do need to express that my trust is being shattered but it will probably hurt him a lot hearing that. I do use the method of "talking about it another time" already and it works but only inasmuch as he does really come back to a calm place. What if he goes back to a cycle where he just can't deal with how I feel about his behaviour?

Also I feel quite angry (it's been the 4th time he is breaking a "don't worry, this separation will go fine it won't be like last time" promise since January, it starts being a bit much), and when he's gonna come out of his silence, either he is going to talk to me without being ready to apologise yet and that will piss me off, either he is going to apologise and I will be annoyed as well because repeated apologies non followed by concrete actions kinda start sounding empty.

I am crazy in love with him and have absolutely no intention of breaking up with him, but because of that it feels like he can do whatever he wants without consequences. Sometimes he gets paranoid and imagines that I will end up leaving him anyway (like his dad did) (and me pointing out that something doesn't suit me in his behaviour is a proof that I'm going to leave), but most of the time I feel quite taken for granted (which could make sense because after all he left me twice and here was I to take him back whenever he wanted, my love and support have remained constant ever since we met 6 years ago, I'm always extremely loving and caring and never threatened to leave).