Shining light on the abuse

[Reawakening]

A brief overview for those who haven't seen previous posts: I am planning to leave uBPDh, and I need to make it stick this time. It is abusive (not physical to my person yet) and I am determined to get my daughter and myself out and to our own safe home. I left two years ago and went back after 3 weeks because of guilt, obligation and fear as well as hope and optimism that there would be real change. I am getting my ducks in a row and then will look for the moment and take the leap.

I am finding that with each trusted person that I tell, I am gaining strength. Has anyone else had that happen? I have kept it hidden from everyone for so long. I have been sharing with one friend for a month or so, and just this past week have been sharing it with a few more very trusted, safe people. Each person has been nothing but supportive, non-judgemental, encouraging, loving, validating...and with each truth sharing I feel stronger, more sure of myself, less FOG, more hope and excitement... All the years of keeping things a secret, I felt alone, stuck and hopeless. Sharing the truth with these trusted people feels amazingly freeing, like I'm not carrying this heavy burden alone, and I can really feel this growing, bolstering support all around me and my daughter. It was always there, I just had to reach out.

I wanted to share this to see if others have had this experience and also to share encouragement with others here who I know are struggling. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reawakening, Good work!  Getting abuse out in the light of day, in my experience, takes away a lot of its power.  I was too embarrassed and ashamed to share what was really happening between my BPDxW and me with friends and family.  Finally I realized that my silence was enabling her bad behavior, because I was sort of a co-conspirator, keeping her abuse a secret.  I finally reached a breaking point and elected to be authentic by sharing what was really happening behind the scenes.  As you describe, it was a turning point on my road to recovery.

I suspect that those who abuse count on the abused person to keep it hidden from the outside world, by intimidating and controlling the abused person with threats alternating with love bombing.

LuckyJim

[spinninghead]

Hey, thanks for posting this. I'm happy you are getting stronger each day.

I was blown away last year when I was telling my therapist that my wife was the first person in her family to break the cycle of abuse. He stopped me and said "What? She is abusing you." It's taking a long time to accept it. Longer to make the changes necessary have a healthy and happy life.

I wish you the best and continued strength. Thank you for posting and giving me some hope, too.

[Marianne-11]

So happy for you! Wish you all the strength and happiness you deserve!

I recently went to therapy to cope better with the mental abuse by my husband, and the therapist said after hearing about my experiences (my husband has been diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago), that the things I've experienced are traumatizing, and hearing that was an eye-opener for me. I've also finally been able to tell a couple of my friends the whole ugly truth. They gave nothing but 100% support and validation and I was really touched by it after years and years of keeping things pretty much to myself. The other one of my friends said she has not doubted for a second what I have told her. I broke into tears, because I haven't felt validation or support in ages and I am starting to really comprehend that even I deserve it.

All the best for you!