I got devalued, split black & replaced by a mutual friend during a tough period.

[blackhole90]

My diagnosed uBPD split me black and left two weeks ago, during the last days of a tough phase in which i had to perform the initial part of my examination of study. During the last month I could sense that something was off, but wasn't really able to stop the devaluation, since I really had to keep focus on finishing my thesis. She saw me at my lowest during this period, but I thought, that after this time, during which she was all hot and cold (one day supportive and bright, the other hindering and malicious) we would work on our relationship, while not realising she was grooming herself a new saviour, who turns out to be a close friend of mine, who even helped me out with book and relationship issues wit her, during the work process. So they even got to know each other better, through the trust I put on both of them.

Prior to this though period we were broke up for a week, since she has become very controlling and sniffed through my phone and computer to find some text that would give her proof of my infidelity, even though we were never fully committed. I have to admit, it has always been hard for me to completely commit to her, since I saw through her shallowness from day 1. That being said we were unclear about the relationship status for most of these 14 months of our RS. But during this last breakup something inside of me changed, since close friends constantly told me she's being sincere and that I should start to trust her. So I went back for that well known 'final dance', only to end up in an even darker place, than after the first split.

The final encounter took place 5 days before the deadline for my thesis. She was in my place, while I was working and at some point we made love to each another. After that she didn't even look me in the eyes which was irritating to me, so I called her out on her 'new' behaviour. I asked her why she is so different and unattentive, but the answer I got was full of anger and a lot of push/pull. She then left in the middle of the night due to this fight and I didn't hinder her leaving. Next day she called me, to accuse me of betrayal and giving her STD. I was understanding and told her, that I didn't betray her since the day I truly committed to her. I told her to better talk to the doctor first, before accusing me of such bullsh** and that I would escort her to the doc if she wants, which she refused. Next day she's giving me a call, telling me it wasn't my fault but that there was some other issue, according to her doctor. I said fine, so let's meet up, but she was like: No, she doesn't need an unsopportive boyfriend like me and that we should "draw some consequences" form all of that. I was irritated but swallowed it, since this seemed like one of her usual threats to get me back 'under her control'. There was a lot of stuff going on for me that day, because I was in the middle of finishing my thesis, which hindered me to jump into her game. I ignored most of this and that was probably a bit too invalidating for her.

She then went into a full blown rage, telling me she can't believe I'm still that inattentive, after our fight went so bad two days before. She then told me she couldn't stand me and that I have a sick mind and that I should start rehab, since she's not having any capacity for this whole BS anymore. I still ignored those texts. She then blew up my phone with calls throughout the whole day and I refused to answer any of those. But when my phone rang for the 15th time that night, I answered and asked her: What's up? She said, she's worried about me and asked why am I not answering my calls? I said: You just broke up with me through a text. She answered in a raging tone: Well fine, then at least, everything seems clear. And then she hung up the phone.

Before this last communication, she wrote me a text saying: This will be the last thing you'll hear from me and first of all: "I am sorry how it went here. I love you, but I will try to forget you as soon as possible. I can't stand the sight of you that day we fought and the despair and suffering on your face when you are drunk. I can't watch you destroy yourself and me right away. You kept saying that you will no longer drink, but you just can't get it under control. My body literally tears at the thought of being without you, but it will be the best for me and you are probably better off without me. Please take care of yourself." I was drunk a little bit more often, due to the stress during this phase. But let me assure you, that I'm far from having a drinking problem. As I see it, she was just searching for excuses, to justify her already 'planned out' leaving with her new saviour.

Later I realised that she blocked me on all social media but left one messenger open, so that she probably could check if I'm still alive or whatever kind of control this is giving her. A week ago, she deleted all of our conversation for both sides, so that I can't even search for possible clues of betrayal on her her part, in our past conversation. Prior to this I also realised, that she was deleting all of her texts she wrote to me while being driven by any sort of rage. She know's I have troubles myself with npd traits and chronic depression. I thought we will make it through this hard time together and that she'll understand or at least see or feel, that after I have finished, we'll have each other back again, like in the old times before I had to work like a horse. I was hoping, we would search for couples therapy and not give up all of this in a second of despair. As I see know, way to late, I was putting too much weight onto her shoulders. My hope was, that after all that we went trough, we'll be able to see each other as what we really are. But for now, all she's seeing, is me being the devil that I admittedly, sometimes partly was, during these tough times of study related stress. I know her darkest secrets and her lowest of hopes and yet I still love her. She knows mine as well, but instead hates me for them. I wanted us both to fight for this relationship, for our better future, while standing up for one another. But unfortunately she jumped out of this holey boat, to drown outside of it, so at least she could be all by herself, while watching from afar, as I am desperately patching the holes, for which I don't even have enough hands for, without her by my side.

Since this, I'm in NC with her, while she's with this friend of mine, posting pictures of their trips through mother nature.

I miss her and I hate giving up, before we even got the chance to somehow work on something.

What can I do? How should I operate from here?
Should I stay NC or just call her? Maybe write her a letter?

Please help!

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