New, I feel like I am being controlling.

[Oliren]

Hello,

I am new here and I am in a complicated kind of relationship with someone who has been recently diagnosed with BPD and I just don't know how to set boundaries. I feel like I am being controlling. I am just tired of being told I'm the person he wants but then runs to others and I have to just sit here and pretend like I don't care. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. It's been 7 years.
Thank you in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Glad you found us, Oliren!

I feel like I am being controlling.

Can you tell us more about why you feel like you're being controlling? It sounds like there are a some really challenging behaviors happening, and 7 years is a long time to tolerate challenging behaviors. I'd love to know more.

[Mutt]

Hi Oliren,



I’d like to join PursuingJoy and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here. It takes time to learn how to set boundaries and there is going to be some reaction from your pwBPD and non’s as well if they are not used to boundaries and new house rules are set.

What made you decide to set boundaries?

[Oliren]

So I feel like I am being controlling by setting boundaries, I guess comparing it to having a dog on a leash kind of. I feel like I have to tell them they have to cut people out of his life because of the lack of trust I have between him and those people.

[Oliren]

I decided to set boundaries because there has been a lot of acting out lately and I just cannot emotionally handle it. As I have been reading boundaries are something that is good to have for structure purposes. We recently found out in the last few weeks that he had BPD so this is all very new.

[pursuingJoy]

I can relate to feeling controlling at first. I almost felt like I was asking too much, or being selfish.

It really helped me when someone explained boundaries as something to keep me in my yard, not something to keep others out. Can you give us a practical example of a boundary that you set? Let's talk through it.

[Oliren]

Its complicated because we aren't together right now because he didn't want to hurt me when he acted out and try and get things at least processed because I personally from what I read think that this stems from childhood trauma. So with that being said I have set one for when we get back together and that is that the girl that he's been hanging out with as a friend but they are almost too friendly can no longer be apart of his life due to the lack of trust I have between them. I explained to him why and he said he understands and that it wouldn't be an issue other than they work together. But right now he needs stability, and I dont know any good boundaries to set for that, his therapist has said that he thinks its hard to set boundaries not from a relationship standpoint.