Do I let kids' mom know we're taking them to dentist

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Related to https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345729.0 , or, at least, happening in the middle of it

Maybe this is small potatoes, so let me know what you think.

Kids complained of some tooth pain a few days ago. I looked but I'm not a dentist. Saw a few dark spots on teeth, maybe gum redness, so I told them I would coordinate with Mom and Dad about dentist checking it out. SD14 usually pretty quickly backpedals to "it doesn't hurt any more" so I told her that the best case scenario is you go there, the dentist looks, says "I'm sorry it used to hurt; you're fine and we're not doing anything today", and you're done. Other "best case scenario" is you go there, the dentist looks and says "I'm sorry it used to hurt, good thing we caught this now and can fix it before it gets worse".

The kids have a belief or perception that they can only go to the dentist once a year.

Last dentist appt, Mom scheduled it for during DH's PT and basically said I'm taking the kids. DH pushed back a bit on scheduling and got a really patronizing, contemptuous email from Stepdad. DH kept it BIFF and said Let me know when and where, I'm taking them. Mom/Stepdad sent this whole thing about how they were going too because of insurance cards and "they needed to prepare the kids for DH's presence there".

I called the dentist the other day. It's dirt cheap to go for kids and with their dentist, there's no cap on appointments per year. You don't need to bring an insurance card; it's already on file.

...

With Mom pulling lots of control/emotional blackmail type stuff about our (potential) trip with the kids coming up, I am reeeallllyyy not interested in giving her another opportunity to micromanage what DH does during his PT. I'm also not interested in her feeding the kids reasons to be afraid of being with DH and doing stuff with him ("You might get the virus at the dentist!" NB she's done this about urgent care before).

That being said, I'm concerned that if we don't tell her beforehand, she'll... demonstrate her feelings by getting even more controlly/hateful/manipulative/uncooperative about our trip. We're open to some flexibility for the kids' sake about it -- i.e. rescheduling to after their friends move, and not flying. And suggesting that if she wants the kids to quarantine after coming back "so that Stepdad can go to work", they do it with us (which will be a nonstarter, but might still suggest it... just for her reaction  )

So if the dentist is during DH's PT, is it a jerk move not to tell her ahead of time?

I've already let the kids know "great news about the dentist! looks like they can squeeze you in sometime in the next week or so". I haven't made the actual appt yet, because I don't trust that the kids are in a place where I can tell them "your appt is tomorrow at 4" and they don't spill to Mom. Right now the plan is I make the appt today, for tomorrow right after DH picks up the kids, and he tells them in the car.

[kells76]

Related to https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345729.0 , or, at least, happening in the middle of it

Maybe this is small potatoes, so let me know what you think.

Kids complained of some tooth pain a few days ago. I looked but I'm not a dentist. Saw a few dark spots on teeth, maybe gum redness, so I told them I would coordinate with Mom and Dad about dentist checking it out. SD14 usually pretty quickly backpedals to "it doesn't hurt any more" so I told her that the best case scenario is you go there, the dentist looks, says "I'm sorry it used to hurt; you're fine and we're not doing anything today", and you're done. Other "best case scenario" is you go there, the dentist looks and says "I'm sorry it used to hurt, good thing we caught this now and can fix it before it gets worse".

The kids have a belief or perception that they can only go to the dentist once a year.

Last dentist appt, Mom scheduled it for during DH's PT and basically said I'm taking the kids. DH pushed back a bit on scheduling and got a really patronizing, contemptuous email from Stepdad. DH kept it BIFF and said Let me know when and where, I'm taking them. Mom/Stepdad sent this whole thing about how they were going too because of insurance cards and "they needed to prepare the kids for DH's presence there".

I called the dentist the other day. It's dirt cheap to go for kids and with their dentist, there's no cap on appointments per year. You don't need to bring an insurance card; it's already on file.

...

With Mom pulling lots of control/emotional blackmail type stuff about our (potential) trip with the kids coming up, I am reeeallllyyy not interested in giving her another opportunity to micromanage what DH does during his PT. I'm also not interested in her feeding the kids reasons to be afraid of being with DH and doing stuff with him ("You might get the virus at the dentist!" NB she's done this about urgent care before).

That being said, I'm concerned that if we don't tell her beforehand, she'll... demonstrate her feelings by getting even more controlly/hateful/manipulative/uncooperative about our trip. We're open to some flexibility for the kids' sake about it -- i.e. rescheduling to after their friends move, and not flying. And suggesting that if she wants the kids to quarantine after coming back "so that Stepdad can go to work", they do it with us (which will be a nonstarter, but might still suggest it... just for her reaction  )

So if the dentist is during DH's PT, is it a jerk move not to tell her ahead of time?

I've already let the kids know "great news about the dentist! looks like they can squeeze you in sometime in the next week or so". I haven't made the actual appt yet, because I don't trust that the kids are in a place where I can tell them "your appt is tomorrow at 4" and they don't spill to Mom. Right now the plan is I make the appt today, for tomorrow right after DH picks up the kids, and he tells them in the car.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  I live in a similar situation where my girfriend's BPDxH tries to control our lives through the kids and Covid.  We attempt as much as possible to parallel-parent and most times it works OK.  With a health matter, which this is, we deal with the health issue and then follow up with emails or texts during (quick care visit for high fever) or after (planned urologist apt)  the appointment.  There has been a little pushback, but not too bad.  I'm a big fan is getting to complete parallel parenting as possible.  Consider handling the "my teeth hurt" complaint on your time and see how your step-child responds when you take her to the dentist on your time.  Good luck.   jdc

[GaGrl]

Once a year? Wow. They should be going every six months.

I'd handle it the way you suggest, and tell mom afterward. If she squawks (which she will), the simple reply is, "I'm capable of handling what comes up on my parenting time."

 They really are co-opting too many parenting decisions.

[ForeverDad]

If a developing cavity is found, there are new treatments available without drilling but it has to be decay that hasn't yet impacted the tooth structure.  One clue decay is in early stages is "we'll put a watch on it for the next visit".

Here's the site of one provider, there may be others.  It's actually cheaper than drilling but so far my insurance hasn't accepted that billing code so drilling ends up cheaper.

I'm waiting for a weekday to call my insurance to confirm whether their plan with my company honor the ADA's billing code D2990 for the resin infiltration treatment.  Then I'll contact the dental practice to share with them all I've learned from my research.

I must admit to hoping this alerts other parents that tooth decay, if detected early enough and is sited in certain parts of the tooth, can be permanently arrested without the need for Novocaine, drilling and filling every decade or so.

[GaGrl]

My son had his teeth sealed several times. No cavities.

[kells76]

Consider handling the "my teeth hurt" complaint on your time and see how your step-child responds when you take her to the dentist on your time.

That was the plan... No appts available until about two weeks out, though. With the tooth pain sounding like a 5/10 vs a 10/10 I'm ok waiting... but appts would be during Mom's time. I'm not making an appt during Mom's time w/ kids, so... maybe I ask the dentist to call her? SD12 is due for checkup anyway.

I really don't want to "remind" Mom to make a dentist appt... I dread the interaction of "I knew the kids needed one, I was already planning to schedule it" BS.

They really are co-opting too many parenting decisions.

Yup. It's really gross and toxic.

[ForeverDad]

If your schedule is flexible enough, you can ask to be put on the list for cancelled appointments.

[kells76]

I called the dentist to confirm that they will be in touch with Mom about appts. SD12 is due this month but they said their philosophy is to do "custom" appt intervals case by case, & SD14 is indeed due in a year. DH has thick enamel, so, runs in the family.

Receptionist asked if she could tell Mom I called, and I shared that I thought the families were able to focus on the kids the best when info comes straight from the professionals.

So they will be calling Mom and -- I hope -- not mentioning me. I'll check in with SD14 again and remind her that she'll probably like it better if they check now and find nothing, vs waiting 6 months and having a big problem.

Hope this helps anyone in a similar position.

[Grady]

We just took SS to the dentist this week for his cleaning.  BPD has never taken him so we put him on our insurance and started taking him.  H didn't tell her this time around that SS was going.  It was just routine so I guess he figured it was easier to just tell her after the fact.  BPD hates that the insurance comes through my work and under me.  When we needed SS's social security number to put him on the plan, she refused to give it to H so H wound up saying he needed it because his parents were redoing their will and wanted to add SS.  She rushed to give the number then with some snide remark about at least someone will take care of SS even though no one will ever take care of her.  So crazy that needing his number to make sure he could get quality healthcare at no cost to her wasn't a good enough reason.