Grandchildren

[Grandparents]

We have been told we can no longer be with our grandchildren. Our son says we have damaged our daughter- in -law and he must protect her. Will not say how we have damaged her, will not talk to us, have said we would certainly apologize, says it’s impossible to prove and will not allow any discussions. Feel like our son has been bullied for 11 years of marriage and dil  has finally given him an ultimatum to isolate us altogether.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I feel sad for you hearing how your son is treating you and not allowing you to see your grandchildren. I hope you don't mind my sharing a similar situation from my family. Many years ago, one of my cousins married a woman who hated her own mother. A few years after being married, my cousin cut out all his immediate family members from his life, except one sister who managed to stay in contact with him. A few years later, he got divorced, and resumed seeing his parents and other sibling. Is there anybody who can stay in contact with your son, and maybe help him to resume contact with you if he ever decides he wants to? I feel for you. I remember my cousin's mother and father who were some of the nicest people I have ever known, and it was a terrible injustice how their son was manipulated by his wife to cut them out of their lives. I was at my cousin's house the night his engagement to this woman was announced, and I remember one of his sisters was terribly upset, as she said her future sister-in-law was a terrible person. It seems that none of what happened had any basis in reality. One time my cousin's wife was at my mom's house and she went out of her way to tell my brother how much she disliked our mother even though she barely knew her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know you are heartbroken and shocked about how you could be denied access to your grandchildren.

[Grandparents]

Thank you Zachira for your response. My son lives far away and only allows us to read to our grandchildren on FaceTime. His wife won't be seen or discussed in these FaceTime sessions. We have been told we are no longer welcome to fly to be with our grandchildren. Our son no longer shows his face in our readings to our grandchildren but still allows us to read to them. I know he has been pressured by his wife and her parents not to have contact with us but still allows us to read. I don't talk about the situation while reading to the grandkids but want to tell my son that we are always here for him and keep him in our prayers as he is just trying to survive.

[zachira]

I am glad you are able to read to your grandchildren and have some face time with them. You are right about your son just trying to survive in the situation he is in. I am thinking that the best way to help your grandchildren right now is to model empathy with them through your conversations and reading books to them. I am wondering if your main concern right now is that eventually you will not be allowed to have any contact with either your son or grandchildren. Some of Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism, and some of Bill Eddy's books might be helpful. Do look at the educational materials on this site. You are not alone in what is happening to you. There are many grandparents who have not been allowed to have contact with their grandchildren because of the negative influences of the in-laws. Through google, you will likely find many situations similar to yours and possibly some online forums that deal directly with grandparents who have little or no contact with their grandchildren. I grew up in an abusive family, and the small acts of kindness from others, even just a look of distress on how I was being treated, helped me to see that how I was being abused was not normal and that I was worthy of kindness and love. You are very important for the current and future well being of  your grandchildren and son.

[formflier]

This must be so frustrating.

How long has this been going on?

For now, I would focus on enjoying facetime and let time pass.

If you had to guess, what is the issue? 

Best,

FF

[Grandparents]

Thank you for your response. My DIL claims that our family (son is only child and so is DIL) has never liked or felt welcome in our family. This has been going on for 12 years. Totally so twisted, asI suggested that my son date her. Her family and our family had gone to the same church and I taught her in Sunday School. She was always distant and cold,but after they were married, she went on the attack backed by her parents. My son is in the military and he and DIL have been stationed mostly in Pacific, Japan,Thailand. When first grandchild was born with severe heart defect, we we not allowed to visit. DIL Mother has frequently raged at us ,calling us all nasty names for nothing we can figure ou just endured to keep the peace. Since DIL mother has lived the 10 months with my son and grandchildren because of Covid and because DIL needs help with grandchildren. We have been cut off, not allowed to fly out(we are on east coast, they are on west. Suspect that DIL and her mother have given my son so much pressure to exclude us. Suspect DIL and her mother have some BPD traits. HER mother is an alcoholic, and blames us for her condition. It is so twisted and heartbreaking.

[formflier]

So what would "being included" look like?  How does she explain that?

Best,

FF

[Grandparents]

Thank you FF for your posts. I think being included, would be able to fly to west coast for holidays, birthdays or anything to visit in person. DIL has flown children to her parents during COVID. DIL Parents are currently there for younger granddaughter' birthday. My son let us FaceTime so we could sing Happy Bday, but very careful not to have visiting in-laws or wife in picture. Son did say he loves us and encourages his children to say love you also, but will not even include his own face during FaceTime. He told us we cannot visit, as his wife has been too damaged by us. He will not answer phone calls or engage in any discussions.

[formflier]

Well...as a practical matter, someone that is not willing to communicate is also really not ready to solve problems.

Pushing for more than they (he) are ready for...is likely (almost certainly) to be counterproductive.

So...I would focus on facetime.

How has he (they) communicated that you damaged his wife?    How long ago was this said?

How do you know that her parents are being flown out and kids flying to them and all that.  Do the kids tell you?

Best,

FF

[Grandparents]

FF,
We were told that we were not allowed to visit or go on Sept.14 of this year. Our son text us to let us know and would not answer call. We begged to discuss and our son refuses to answer as the damage that I have caused " impossible to prove" and the mistreatment only " occurs when no one else is around" . It is so obviously false and was such a shock that our son couldn't see through this but won't discuss. DIL's mother has raged against us for years, especially when intoxicated, by way of messenger on Facebook. Our son continued to let us visit until now (last visit was Jan. 3 ). We know that parents of DIL are there because they "accidentally" let us know by mistaken text they sent us. I pray that we can continue to FaceTime our grandchildren( we read them a bedtime story at night before they go to sleep) about2 times a week. These precious GC are 4 and2 and are our only ones. Both my son and DIL are only children. My grandson has had 3 open heart surgeries and had his last one when they lived with us. This was when DIL mother would rage at us.

[formflier]

Is it possible they "accidentally" texted you...just to tweak you?

Best,

FF

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Grandparents]

FF
I'm sure it was to bother and hurt us.

[formflier]

FF
I'm sure it was to bother and hurt us.

Right...but they didn't have to be there to text.  I probably wasn't clear in my "perhaps".

Best,

FF