ready to cut him loose

[guiltymom]

Hello everyone, my 23-yr-old son has obvious BPD; I've suspected for years, even though he's never been officially diagnosed. My younger son, who has a history of depression, suffered greatly because of his brother's behavior and moved out of our home at age 18. Fortunately he's started a new life out of state, although the pandemic has brought lots of setbacks. The older son is moody to a frightful degree and emotionally abusive; from about the age of 10, he's gone back and forth between favoring my husband or me. He can't seem to like us both at the same time. He's dropped out of two colleges, and has recently soured on the new city he was excited to move to a year ago, and is begging us to get him out of his lease so he can move yet again. He's cut off all contact with his high school and college friends, even though he was always extremely popular. On the plus side, he has been in therapy almost weekly since August and has made progress, but now says he's done with that. At this point I'm ready to throw money at him to get him out of our life. I think I'd rather be broke than have to deal with him in person—he makes me feel dead inside. I pretty much know what we're going to do next, but just felt like venting. I've been lurking and it's good to see that other people have children like this too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hey Guiltymom, let me be the first to welcome you here.

First of all, not so sure you need the weight of the nom-de-plume you picked..."guilty"...for what?  Did you always try your best?  Did you do better when you knew better?  So...guilty of...?   None of us are perfect...none of us experts on what to do with those blessed little bundles of joy we bring into the world.   Remember, too, that there are the 2 components that form us...Nurture...and...Nature...and the different combinations make a big difference.  We do our best with the nurture but have no control over the nature.

Now, with that out of the way...glad you gave up the lurking and wrote your first post.   Venting is good! When you write..."I pretty much know what we're going to do next..."...hope you find that this is a great place to find the support you might need as you go forward.  Also...don't get discouraged if, for whatever reason, plans change.

You write, too, that you are ready to cut him lose.   All of our circumstances are different...and sometimes that is what needs to happen.  Our daughter first ran away when she was 12 and when she got too old for that, she would cut us out of her life...making sure our grandchildren followed suit.  She is now 54 and we are in our 5th year of no contact.  Well, there has been contact...her raging emails that are no longer answered.   It took a long, long time for my husband and I to cut her loose...let her take the reins and run...while we started to focus on other facets in our lives.  Don't get me wrong in thinking our heart strings are never tugged.  We will always love her...just don't much like her. 

How encouraging it must have been to have your son choose to go into therapy...and progress was evident.  How discouraging now to hear him say he is done with that.  Once again...his choice.  Perhaps as little said on your part about that, the better.   He could just be wanting to get some drama happening.  Let him work that out.

Once again...welcome to you.  Come back as much or as little as you see fit...share whatever you feel like sharing.  For sure your story resonates with others here...your words helpful for them to read.

Huat

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Guilty Mom and Huat:

Thank you so much for your posts.  They really help me endure the heartache of missing my daughter and grandson. I am so sorry for the pain you must feel and so glad to hear you are determined to continue your won lives and do what you feel is best for you.
My daughter has banished me and has done so off and on for 20 years. Now that she is a Mom it hurts so much more - because I cannot see my grandson.
Tomorrow is here birthday and she told me explicitly she doesn't want me to buy, send, or mail anything to her.
I'm respecting her wished and not sending her anything. I feel like a guilty mom for not acknowledging her birthday, but she'll hate whatever I send and she'll send me rage-filled texts, if I do. No matter what i say or do it's never good enough.

Thank you for listening and thank you for sharing.