Need help ASAP

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi there,
My son met a fabulous woman 6 months ago who swept him off his feet (or him off hers). The problem is, it was on Facebook and has only been virtual, as soon as he came home to move back in with the family a month after they met, so he could save money to go see her, their relationship became our worst nightmare. We no longer recognize the vibrant, compassionate, rational son we had 6 months ago. He is not allowed to talk to any family members without her permission (even us here in our home), he has not been allowed to eat a family meal with us, help with house work, or relax with a movie or games with us. He was told today he had to switch his phone number and is only allowed to have the people she approves as his contacts (he blocked me last week while I was in the hospital with my husband 3 days out of open heart surgery because we found out 2 days before we went in that our dog of 12 years has bone cancer and I needed him to help give the dog his medication and do a visit to the vet to make sure the cancer hadn't spread; she felt I asked too much of him and "made" him block me ever since; that was a full week ago), and something happens every day that now causes me physical reactions I am so distressed over who this new person is in my home that has no ability to walk out of his room, eat a meal, or act like a human being without her approval or she self harms and starts acting like she is committing suicide if he doesn't obey. I have found my own coping mechanisms, but with him having tried to break up with her and her "trying" to commit suicide, he feels he has to follow through with moving to another country and marrying her to save her life. She has taken possession of him and he says he will let her rather than have her dead. HELP!

[Lexy]

Hi there,
My son met a fabulous woman 6 months ago who swept him off his feet (or him off hers). The problem is, it was on Facebook and has only been virtual, as soon as he came home to move back in with the family a month after they met, so he could save money to go see her, their relationship became our worst nightmare. We no longer recognize the vibrant, compassionate, rational son we had 6 months ago. He is not allowed to talk to any family members without her permission (even us here in our home), he has not been allowed to eat a family meal with us, help with house work, or relax with a movie or games with us. He was told today he had to switch his phone number and is only allowed to have the people she approves as his contacts (he blocked me last week while I was in the hospital with my husband 3 days out of open heart surgery because we found out 2 days before we went in that our dog of 12 years has bone cancer and I needed him to help give the dog his medication and do a visit to the vet to make sure the cancer hadn't spread; she felt I asked too much of him and "made" him block me ever since; that was a full week ago), and something happens every day that now causes me physical reactions I am so distressed over who this new person is in my home that has no ability to walk out of his room, eat a meal, or act like a human being without her approval or she self harms and starts acting like she is committing suicide if he doesn't obey. I have found my own coping mechanisms, but with him having tried to break up with her and her "trying" to commit suicide, he feels he has to follow through with moving to another country and marrying her to save her life. She has taken possession of him and he says he will let her rather than have her dead. HELP!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

How often do you get to communicate privately with your son?  Is this in person?

I can only imagine how scary it must be to hear your child say they will move to another country and agree to be controlled by another adult...in order to save that adults life.  Ugggg...

I'll come back soon to check for your reply.  I want to assure you that you have found a group of people that "get it".  This is a safe place to talk.

Best,

FF

[Hopetoo]

I can hear the distress in your words.  It is very scary to think of the outcome should your son continue in the relationship.  What you have described sounds like emotional abuse and may require you to receive some advice from a professional therapist or possibly talk to the police. 

The assumption is being made that the virtual relationship is with a real person.  There are people on Facebook who pose as people looking for love when in fact they are abusers/predators. A person threatening suicide to control another should be addressed by police especially since it is from another country. They may give you other resources as well. 

Online abusers/predators use one's emotions to hook them in and keep them stuck.  They do it for a variety of reasons (money, mental illness, control, etc.) Breaking free from the emotional abuse may require professional intervention because the emotions being triggered are so deeply rooted.  Your son's good traits are being used against him to control him.  He may need help with setting boundaries which he may not yet be willing to do yet because the fear of another hurting themselves is very powerful. 

I hope there are others on this site who have more tangible advice for you.  It is helpful to know people care, yet for some, more helpful to know there are action steps that one can take.

[Sancho]

Just a thought . . . . . If he has come home specifically to save money so he can go and see her, could you ask him to find somewhere else to live ie shock him back into some sort of reality?

At the same time could you give him some information on BPD that is easy to understand and highlights the abandonment/possessive aspect of BPD?

Is by being at home enabling this situation - and the possibility of actually meeting up with her which, in my opinion, would be a disaster as she sounds very, very unwell.