New Member Looking for support and new to BPD

[Merrycat]

My husband of 4 years (together for 8) has started exhibiting borderline traits within the last couple of years. He has always had, what I called early in our relationship, "anger issues" (inappropriate outbursts in traffic, raging to me -not at me- at airports, etc.) but a little over a year ago he started to get self violent. Last October he ended up with a black eye from hitting himself with his phone. Last December he threw himself on the ground and started beating his fists and broke some of our window blinds. He will hit himself and bite himself when he is feeling angry/frustrated and has threatened himself many times.  In June he pulled a knife out of the kitchen butcher block and talked about stabbing himself (he put it back almost immediately) and that is when I decided I needed to take some loving space. I spent 2 months with my family across the country and my husband and I talked on the phone every night for that duration. His anger and violence has not been directed AT me or our cats (no kids) but it is terrifying for me, none the less. I have been doing a lot of personal work establishing boundaries and learning how my actions contribute to the problem and I think as a result our relationship has survived. That being said, my husband's threats have escalated and I fear that he is headed for destruction. He blames his violence and anger on what is happening in the world and says that his behaviors and feelings are one and the same- to criticize one is to invalidate the other. How do you argue with that?

Our historical therapy situation is a bit complicated, but we are each in the care of separate therapists now who confer and who the two of us have seen together for couples counseling. The two of them both believe that my husband has borderline traits (though there has not been a diagnosis and I do not think either one has actually shared this information with my husband). In January (after a trip to the ER for suicide threat while staying with my parents over the holidays) he almost signed up for an intensive 4 day program but then changed his mind. He is vehemently opposed to going to a treatment center.

 I feel very alone right now. I am so appreciative of our therapists (I never would have made it through the last year without mine) but they are paid professionals who have other patients and concerns. I see my therapist twice a week now, but it still doesn't feel like enough. My family and close friends know some of what's going on but none of them know anything about BPD (neither did I until about a year ago!) so I find it extremely difficult to talk to them. They can't understand why my husband is resistant to getting help and why I put up with him- not being willing to get help. My mom in particular can't understand why his therapist and psychiatrist aren't doing more to get him the help he obviously needs. I find myself defending him when I really want support for myself AND our relationship.

As of right now I am committed to this relationship. I want it to work and I will do everything in my power to make it work but I am starting to understand that I might not be about to save it by myself. If my husband can't see how he is contributing to the conflict we are having and to the pain I am experiencing in the relationship I don't know how to keep going long term. I don't want to live my life with the threat of violence always looming over my head.

I have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" at the recommendation of my therapist and some of it has been spot on in describing my husband, while other parts do not hit the mark. I can see that I have it easier than a lot of folks who love someone with BPD but I do not feel like my road is easy.

I wish there was a physical support group I could go to to be able to talk about this and learn from other people. In the absence of that, I am hoping this group will lend me support. Thanks for reading!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

The self injury behaviors are certainly difficult to observe. 

My husband used to hit himself in the head and say things like “You hate me!” It was really disturbing.

These relationships are not easy, but many can be improved by learning new ways to respond. Keep reading here and you’ll find a lot of strategies that can help.

To begin, here’s a good article.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship