how do I respond in helpful ways

[szsash]

My daughter is 30 yrs old, and at the extreme end of the BPD spectrum.  Her behaviours have destroyed my son's life, he is so traumatized by her behaviours that he is now mentally ill and totally isolating. Resentments run very high in our family because of my daughters behaviours. I find myself swaying between letting her go, not trying anymore, and feeling that I should try and help. I am emotionally, financially exhausted from dealing with my daughter. It's next to impossible to live a normal life where I can pursue my own interests.  My life is always turned upside down by my daughter's lying, running away, draining finances, disrupting my work, or pursuit of a masters degree. 

I am a single parent, and I am tired of picking up the pieces in her life, paying for and putting her furniture in storage from being evicted, dealing with police when she runs and I can't locate her, not knowing whether she is dead or alive, living on the street, addicted to drugs etc.  She steals, lies to police, other family members, her friends, boyfriends about me presenting me to be a villain.  Yet, I am the one who has always been there for her and dealt with her "emergencies."  I am angry, resentful, tired, and sick of abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, financial.  The physical abuse has been horrific in the past, but has subsided, the verbal abuse is horrific but also less than in the past, emotional abuse, lying about me to others is a horrific problem, running away, and financial irresponsibility.  She owes so much money to other people, borrows and doesn't repay, impulsively spends on herself. Insists on driving when she has uncontrolled epilepsy and takes no responsibility for her safety or others on the road, having lied to the motor vehicle branch about her seizures.  She is obsessed to drive, currently she has lost her license and I have written to her doctors and the mv branch to not reissue a licence because of uncontrolled seizures. If she knew I had done so I would be at the receiving end of a torrent of abuse.

I don't know how to maintain my life so that I can focus on my own goals and deal with my daughter to.  I feel like I am forced to be responsible for the irresponsible. If I don't help with her fragmented life, I face intensified threats and behaviours.

How to I actually help my daughter and manage to live a 'normal' life?
How do I deal with the lying? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

So so sorry for what you are going through.  The first thing, I believe, is to know that you have every right to have as peaceful a life as you can under the circumstances.   Doing this will help you and your son. As the sibling of somebody with BPD, I very much feel for him.  I hope that if he hasn't already he will find a therapist who understands BPD and will help him in his emotional recovery.  I wish the same for you.  All of this, I believe, will actually be better for your daughter than all of you suffering, but even if it's not, you all deserve happiness. 

[Lollypop]

Hi szsash

Welcome. I’m sorry but this is quickly written. I only popped in for a short while but couldn’t leave without saying something. My goodness, I can relate to you and your story. I understand the hurt and turmoil. It’s hurts so bad.

There is hope. there has to be a change and it starts with you. I’m glad you found us.

How to I actually help my daughter and manage to live a 'normal' life?

This is actually two parts.

- You helping your daughter in the right way.

- Your daughter taking responsibility for herself and her choices.

They can happen but it starts with you because your daughter can’t help the way she behaves. You can’t change her, only yourself and how you interact.

You can help your daughter by you understanding what is your responsibility. For her to behave like an adult, she must be treated as one...but gently, so gently.

You are responsible for your life and how you live it. Show her what that looks like. An adult looks after their own financial affairs, they take care of their physical and emotional well being, they nurture healthy relationships...they also spend time doing things they enjoy. I laugh now, because when I came here my whole life was consumed by him and me trying up fix everything!

My first two rules/limits were:  

Any time a problem occurred I’d ask myself “is this my problem?”  No?  Then I’d gently place it in his lap (son is 30).

I stopped giving him money. (However, I did provide free bed and board as he’d returned home from a downward spiral in a mess(.

You  can demonstrate to her what being an adult looks  like so she learns from you. Right now, I don’t believe your life is very normal. Mine certainly wasn’t and that’s what brought me to this forum.

Focus on yourself...while your daughter learns how to take responsibility. She’s going to continue to make lots of mistakes and she’s got to learn how to problem solve for herself (that’s how we learn). I’m not talking about tossing her into the wind, I’m talking about you walking beside her providing the right kind of support...emotional support given with a warm open heart and that you have confidence in her ability.  Hopefully, she’ll seek some professional help...my son hasn’t.

How do I deal with the lying?  

I stopped asking questions because I can’t trust much of what he tells me anyway  . It’s a path I choose to not put ourselves on...it’s tiresome and risky because it can escalate things and we get caught in a cycle. Also, I don’t agree with the way he lives his life and he knows it in his heart. but that doesn’t mean I can make a judgment on it. It’s his life, not mine. My son used to often lie because he knew he was being judged and criticised...that’s not a nice feeling for either of us.

Im not sure My family will ever be “normal”!   .
I am much happier, despite the problems. My son is functioning...his life is fragile...he’s not happy but... he is happier. We found a way forwards. You can too.

Sadly, there are no quick fixes. It starts with baby steps. I wonder how you imagine YOUR “new” life could be? What does that look like? What kinds of things do you want for yourself? It is possible but it’s down to you.

Hugs

LP

Ps. Self care for me is a toughy.